Nothing seems right. Food is always just okay, so I stopped asking. She is not thankful, not even showing gratitude by smiling. Nothing. I feel like she waits for me all day to finish work. It came to the point where I just leave the house by myself so I can get away. My house used to be my favourite place, now I run away from it.
Is this YOUR house we're talking about?
If so, then why is your mother living there? Did you invite her to move in with you?
It doesn't sound like a good arrangement. Have you considered the alternatives?
Is there a reason that she can no longer live alone?
I don’t know what to say about it other than I am sorry that you are going through this.
I see that she finally left her abusive husband. She may be depressed but she isn’t able to discuss it with you.
Do you think she would see a therapist? Or perhaps be open to taking medication for depression?
She is adjusting to her new life. You are adjusting to having her under foot. It’s difficult for each of you. How long has she been in your home?
Is this new behavior for her or was she more cheerful in the past?
Best wishes to you and your mom.
to see therapist. What drives me nuts is that she smiles when someone else is around and I get all the sighs and negativity. I feel so down it’s affecting my life now. She is here since December 2022. I see and hope it might be an adjustment but I also had to stop unsolicited advices for anything I did. For heaven’s sake, I am a grown up woman, don’t need advice on cooking, cleaning and gardening.
What does your H think about it all?
Two women trying to be the alpha in a home never works.
Your mother could live another 20+ years are you up for the challenge?
Have you looked into having her go back to her country and living there?
The current plan sounds quite unsustainable.
My parents always complained that my grandma wasn't happy enough or her emotions and responses weren't grateful enough, happy enough, or this and that when she lived with them. But grandma was just being grandma and my parents were just being themselves too. Had my parents accepted that they couldn't change grandma but could change their own expectations and reactions to grandma, life would have been better for them and her and grandma lived with us for 20 plus years. And my grandma was the same way with being more happy and smiling and sweet around strangers just like your mother.
If you are going to have your mother live with you until she gets sick and needs to go back to her home country for health care then you need to change your expectations about what your mother's reactions should be. Sure a smile or a thank you would make you happy and make you feel like your mom is happy but that's probably not going to happen.
I am sure you have tried talking to her about this and nothing has changed so the only thing you can do is have her move back to her home country or somehow try and accept that your mom may always have a permanent case of resting b--ch face when she is alone with you.
Truly, for me, for most of us--I think-- a home represents the single bastion in the world we can treasure and take TOTAL COMFORT in. And now that has been thrown away.
So why did you do this? What was your thinking at the time? I think your answer might help others.
Once that is answered I guess I will say that one of the single most difficult things we see on Forum is the outcome of someone taking an elder into their home. I have yet to see someone say it has worked for them. Perhaps some will answer here to tell me I am wrong?
Two choices really. #1. Live with it. Perhaps for decades on a long slow slide down. Or #2. The dreadful honesty of saying "This cannot work for me; I must ask you to leave. I will help you, but there is no other option". This latter choice works on the relationship, on the parent, and on the child just a horrific hardship in every single way there is. But for me it would be the only choice.
We see posts like yours almost daily. And there is simply no good answer to it. None that is painless, certainly. I always say these posts serve as a warning to others. But that is so little comfort in your own suffering. I am so very sorry. I wish you the best of luck and I hope you will update us on your journey whatever your choices are.
I hope that you will find a solution for this issue soon.
Also, maybe your mom’s unhappy faces are more a reflection of her years of abuse, moving from her home country and feeling a loss of control. Us daughters tend to take things pretty personally (I do). I wish you the best as you work through this very difficult situation.
You didn’t mention if your mom is disabled or has memory issues. Have you tried having a direct conversation with her about her mood and living situation? Is there someplace else she’d rather be (that can be realistically achieved)? Are you doing something she hates?
If the response is that she wants to return to your abusive father, take her back to him.
In the short term, look for an adult day care center convenient to you that can look after her while you work or maybe just on Saturdays to give yourself a break. Granted, there’s the language barrier, but so what. She’ll see new faces, she’ll have lunch and snacks and games.
Don’t underestimate the damage this is causing you. If my mom had stayed with me another few years, I probably would’ve had a stroke. Make it clear to mom that if she is miserable with you, you have to find another place for her before it kills you.