I feel worn out with the elder's negativity. It's like everything I do is criticised. There is never a word of appreciation. The elder does not have dementia. This was her personality when she was younger. She has chronic pain, arthritis, mobility problems, osteoporosis. I moved in full-time over a year ago. I'm finding it hard to cope - I'm in my 30s. I try to talk to her calmly and clearly and explain how I feel. I'm doing my best. Nothing I say has a lasting impact. She appears to think it's my duty to look after her.
I feel like some external family only criticise me too. They are not offering support or any help. Only telling me what to do. If I get annoyed with them, I am blamed.
I'm worried about my future too. My relationship has ended since I moved back here. It might not be easy at 38 to find a new relationship, in the future.
Any words of advice appreciated. Some days are better than others and I don't feel like this all the time.
I'm ten years older than you and believe me it only gets worse the longer you're in.
Your mother sounds exactly like mine. A miserable, negative, self-centered narcissist and misery LOVES company.
Don't count on any help or support from your family either because you will never get it. They know how your mother is and don't want to risk having to step up and help her themselves. That's why they criticize your caregiving. To maintain the status quo and keep themselves off the caregiver hook.
I have family who even stopped visiting because they couldn't take my mother's negativity and misery. Unfortunately, I'm stuck in this wretched hell on earth. Hopefully, you are not.
If you can move out and get your own place, DO IT. You can help your mom out by setting her up with some in-home caregiving services. A hired companion that will do housekeeping, run errands, shop for her, take her to appointments or on social outings. This will be a godsend to you. Look on a caregiver website and find someone.
If your mother is like mine and refuses to let anyone but you help her, respond as I did. "Too bad". It's either accept the help being offered or you're on your own. That's the way it has to be with some people. Your mother and mine both are the some people.
Actually most family have stopped visiting or even phoning her too, because of the negativity. It sounds like we have the same mother.
I recently got a mortgage to buy the house. She was renting up until then. So, it is not easy to leave. I can't afford to rent another place.
People do not change, and I would say that the continuous losses in aging do not improve our attitudes as we suffer pain here and pain there, and as we see that our lives are for the most part over. Also, we do not have the power to change others at all.
BUT..................we do have the power to change ourselves, and at 38 you have some really quality years coming. There is still time for you to change yourself, to make a great life for yourself, and I encourage you to put your energy into YOUR OWN job, home, friends. I wish you good luck. I think you already know there is no future staying in the vicinity of people who have a negative outlook, who are unlikely to change, and who can add nothing to your own life.
I got a mortgage to buy this place recently. She was renting. In the short term I can't afford to rent another place. I will have to consider my options.
You are drained! You will feel taken for granted. You may even have anxiety and depression like many other caregivers feel.
Start by speaking to a social worker about your mom’s situation. Or call Council on Aging for an assessment of her needs. Reach out for viable solutions. Make a plan for her care. Reclaim your life. Don’t lose all of the years that I did. It isn’t worth it.
Forget about what others say or feel. They are not walking in your shoes. They don’t have a clue. Offer to trade places with them, then they have a right to have a vote in the matter. As of now, they don’t get a vote.
I totally feel your pain. You feel caught in the middle of a trap. Free yourself. Your mom will adapt to whatever solution that you find.
I wish you peace as you move forward in this challenging situation.
How old is your elder?
Why were you the one to move in? For how long are you willing to put your life on hold?
I will have to look at my options.