My father is 94, we always got along okay, but recently when I've tried to stick to a routine, and enforced a schedule for getting up, and going to bed at a decent hour, our situation has deteriorated. He now is fighting me, on everything you can think of. Whether to change or not, what he eats or doesn't eat, and that's relatively mild, compared to the comments he's making, which are antagonizing, and extremely passive aggressive. "you look like you have an angry look on your face, " me " no, look at my face, you see that I'm smiling, Dad " yes, but you just looked really angry before that", now this probably doesn't seem like a big deal, comparatively speaking, and I count my blessings everyday that he is still ambulatory, and mentally relatively functional. But, day after day after day, of his fighting me, the comments which are always laced creativly in inuendos, and so tricky, it makes me want to pull my hair out. I can't believe how one person, can have me so angry, by saying just a few things. I wonder if I allowed myself, the luxury of a little healthy anger, if that would help? As opposed to pasting a smile on myself, when I'm really not happy. Isn't that part of the problem? That your neeeever supposed to get angry and frustrated, just this never ending supply of goodwill and Susie cream cheesiness? I can't do it! And I wonder, if he thinks, and he might, because I Know him really well. If he's thinking, well this stinks, I can't stay up until 2 in the morning, or get up whenever I feel like it, so I'm going to start acting up, and I'll either 1. get my way or 2. go back to living with -my brother (that's not going to happen), and it's making me so mad, that he's trying to manipulate the whole situation. I'm bound and determined not to let him, manipulate the whole thing, and turn everything upside down, just because he doesn't understand, that I can't stay up until 12 /1/2 in the morning! I'm not even going to go on and on, about how I'm doing this plus, running a household, and trying to take care of my own healthcare needs. And it's just the basics. If anything really requires my attention, as often happens, because that's just life, then I'm really stressed. I'm really close to "having a talk" with him. I really don't know if that would help. Plus! I feel so guilty, that I'm supposed to "understand" his frustration and dementia, but he's being a real_____, go ahead you fill in the blank. And honestly, it's not like Oh, Dad changed he used to be this "nice" guy. NO! He was always somewhat verbally abusive, passive aggressive, and self-centered. What I'm doing now, is trying to give myself space, that works, but at some point I have to deal with him, and i feel like it's getting worse. We're just at each other, constantly. I have told my brother, who helps me on occasion, and probably going to arrange for a regularly scheduled break, a couple of days a week, and that's for another post-perhaps, because I'm terrified of having the wrong person, someone who would , not be discreet with our family situation, or steal , or some other adverse behavior. A big reason, why I haven't reached out for additional help until now. Okay, I'm done venting.
Can you say a little bit about why your dad is living with you?
Caring for a dementia patient is hard, frustrating work. Folks who do this for a living get to go home and sleep, have a normal life after 8 hours. It sounds like you are on call 24/7. There is really no way to sustain that longterm without damaging your health.
So, either you need to use dad's resources to get regular help in AND scheduled respite for you, or you need to see if he can budget for a good facility.
I don't see why you need to remain Little Mary Sunshine if dad is frustrating you with his stubborness and oppositional behavior. With dementia, reasoning or explaining doesn't work. What you CAN do is watch Teepa Snow videos about ways to manage dementia patients.
I learned a lot by watching Teepa Snow, a dementia expert, who has many very informative videos on YouTube. I think it will help you a lot. FYI you will need a plan for your dad's care for if/when it overwhelms you. And don't feel bad: many many of us have been overwhelmed by our LOs dementia constantly increasng care needs. Some waited too long and burned out, or lost out on so much, thinking they were somehow obligated to provide the hands-on care themselves. You don't know how long you'll be in it or how challenging it will be. I've got 2 LOs who are 99 and 102, so please don't assume 94 it's going to be short-term with your dad.
Be prepared: this means getting him to assign you or someone as his durable PoA, having him create a Living Will, have an idea of his financial situation (to pay for care or transition to a facility), and make sure you know what would be required for him to qualify for Medicaid. I strongly recommend a consult with an elder law attorney, an estate planner, and a Medicaid specialist. It is time and money that will pay for itself in the future but cost you a lot if you go into this with blinders on. I wish you much wisdom and peace in your heart.
My mother lives in a Memory Care ALF since 2019 when the regular AL she lived in wouldn't take her back after a bout of pneumonia and rehab for 3 weeks. I could never care for her in my home b/c it's too much; she requires teams of people caring for her 24/7 due to her varied issues and incontinence, and that she's wheelchair bound, etc. Dementia often reaches a point where in-home care becomes too challenging for even the most patient of daughters and sons. If you haven't looked into Memory Care ALs, now might be a good time to begin the hunt.
In the meantime, definitely hire someone to come into your home to give you a break! Why be 'terrified'? What's to be discreet about with your 'family situation' that worries you so? Hire someone from an agency perhaps, who's bonded and comes with references. Otherwise, you'll be SO burned out soon that your health will suffer dramatically. Just read these boards to see what I mean. Read up about dementia at Alzheimers.org and watch some Teepa Snow videos on YouTube as well; she's very funny but very informative on the subject at the same time.
Wishing you the best of luck looking after YOURSELF in addition to your father. Remember that he is not the only person that matters here. YOU matter too.
Now, I don’t know your full situation, but if he’s up, why do you have to be up too? I pick my battles with my MIL, and I cannot for the life of me get her to wear pajamas to bed - she just LIVES in the same clothes all week, but if I can get her to change her shirt once a week, I call it a win. Her pants and underwear she changes if she has an accident, but her shirt? No.
Pick your battles. Ask yourself, is this REALLY the mountain you want to die on?