Hello everyone,
I’ve lost sleep thinking about this. We are a young couple ready to purchase our first home. During the process of buying a house, my husband found out his mother’s significant other is sick and there is a possibility he will pass away soon. He then told me she would have to move in with us. I’ve managed throughout the years to avoid her. Some background, they grew up very poor. Living in deplorable conditions. She’s messy, has bad hygiene, smokes weed all day, just sits on the couch. Her SO has been the one to support her all these years. In the nicest way possible, she’s just not my cup of tea. My husband, I feel is the golden child. I believe he feels guilty living how he does now compared to how his mom is living. He’s got some deep rooted feelings of taking care of her. If she moves in with us, she will not work and we will have to support her financially. My husband claims it’s because of her legal status and the fact that she’s in her late 60’s. She has been deemed by him too old to work. We aren’t on speaking terms right now. I told him I didn’t want to buy with him until we can figure out another resolution with his mom. I believe if I don’t agree to this it will end up in divorce. Any advice? I feel very defeated right now.
That's all you're going to hear, as advice.
Sad she's losing her SO< but that's not your problem, and she shouldn't be either.
My DH wanted his dad to move in with us. B/C that's what families DO, right? It was an epic showdown and I ended up doing all of of FIL's care in his home, making 3-4 trips to his condo per day. Luckily this only went on for 4+ months, and FIL was a sweet guy--but we had no room for him, he had a deep, phlegmy cough that would start up as soon as he began eating and would last until the meal was over. I had 2 teenagers in the house and they'd be unable to eat, listening to this cough. (He had leukemia and severe lung damage from 45 years as a firefighter).
I had to pull the divorce card from the pile, too, to get DH to realize I simply could NOT take care of his dad AND my dad (respite for mom) AND run a house AND still be raising kids.
Dh, to this day blames me a little for being selfish. I was quite the opposite.
Your MIL sounds awful--is your hubby on board right NOW with her care? B/C he has no idea what's he's in for.
No matter what, YOU should not be supporting her. Help DH to get her on Medicaid and she can live within those parameters. She's chosen this life, this, sadly, is the result of poor choices.
She might not be able to get on Medicaid if she's squatting illegally in the United States.
You mention her "legal status". What do you mean by "legal status"? If she is illegally squatting in the United States, one phone call to ICE will solve that problem. If she has family in a different country they should be contacted. Buy her a plane ticket. Do not stay with your husband if he plans of financially supporting his mother. Who pays for her weed? Maybe they can buy her a plane ticket back home.
Under no circumstances and for no reason should you buy a home until your MIL is permanently living somewhere. Do not buy a place. If your husband insists that his mother will be living with the two of you, then see a lawyer. Do not take her in.
Bravo for being young and strong. Here are the possible outcomes:
--You two divorce because he chooses his mother over you and because you don't do what he wants.
--You live in misery with his horrible mother because he chooses her happiness over yours and because you went along with what he wanted.
--Your finances are now tied down to the new house because you went along with what he wanted and went against what your intelligent head told you not to do.
--You're stuck living in a house that doesn't feel like a home to which you don't want to go back at the end of the day.
--You now hate his mother and resent your husband, but most of all, you regret buying a house with him and letting his mother move in.
--You now consider getting divorced and think how expensive the lawyer's fees might be, and how expensive it would be to sell the house and split the money, and other assets.
--You are once again single, but divorced with a deep scar in your heart. You have lost a big chunk of money both on lawyers and the house. You wonder how to start a new life.
--Or maybe your husband wises up and chooses his marriage and his wife over his horrid mother. Perhaps, a couple counseling might help. You two can stand strong and look for ways to help his mother without ruining your marriage.
He's set on taking over her care, That's his prerogative. He can and should if he wants to or else his conscience will eat at him. There's a grezt chance that he will regret his decision, but he has to go down this road in order to realize it. However, he does not have the right to force you to go along. This is where you part ways and wish him a good life with his terrible mother.
Parents. They can ruin their children's lives when the kids are young, and when they are adults. Wouldn't it be great if we could choose our parents?
He can live with you or your mom. Not both.
If she moves in, you move out.
That said, I always advise young people to look at the parents, not just the boyfriend/girlfriend before embarking on a marriage, because that's where they learned how a relationship works. Very few people (my dad being one) realize where their parents went wrong and go on to be stellar wives and husbands by doing the opposite of what they learned as children.
Honestly, I'd consult a divorce attorney now, so you know where you stand should your husband continue making bad decisions. You don't have to file for divorce, but be ready to go on the offensive if it comes to that.
And do not make any major purchases until this is sorted out.
IF you want this to work I think sessions with a marriage counselor is in order.
To ignore your feelings and input on this is a disrespect you.
Begin saving as much as you can for YOURSELF and consult with a divorce attorney before you make any changes. (Do not move out until you have consulted an attorney)
I am curious about the use of the term "legal status"
Is this having to do with the Law or is she undocumented. If this is the case then he would be her sole support. Can he fully support himself and her?
I do hope you do not have any children at this point. If so he will be supporting himself, mom and kids
What your DH needs to realize is that once he married, his wife and children become #1. His mother is in the position she is because she didn't do something about her status years ago. She may have been able to stay here by applying for residency. She chose to let men support her. I doubt she would have been sent back to a country she had never really lived in.
"She’s messy, has bad hygiene, smokes weed all day, just sits on the couch." Does he expect you to care for her? Does he really want his child exposed to this? If she lived with me, she would not be sitting around doing nothing all day. Even in her 60s there are jobs out there that may pay under the table. And d**n if I would pay for her weed. I may house her and feed her but she would need to make her own money for her toiletries, clothing and medical. Was she married to SO. If so, she maybe entitled to his Social Security. Not sure if she would need a green card to collect. There are Mexican citizens that work in the US but go home to Mexico after work. They are entitled to the SS they paid into.
Your MIL is in a pickle and it should not be up to you to get her out. You could be caring for her for the next 30 yrs or more. DH needs to look ahead. You may want to make it clear that you will not be her caregiver at any time of her life. Nor will she be allowed to stink up UR house with BO and weed. And it is UR house not hers. Maybe find a place with a garage apt and put her there.
Because it seems Mom maybe considered an illegal she really has no options. If she has never paid into SS she can't get it or Medicare. You husband is between a rock and a hard place here. Again, Mom may need an immigration lawyer.
You need a greencard or some other form of legal status to collect anything.
No one can collect Social Security from a person they were not legally married to. It does not work like that. Shacking up with some dupe who pays for you is not recognized as being married by the American government. Nor should it ever be.
I hope the OP and her husband will contact whatever family resides in the old country and see if they will take her. If they won't then mom will just have to find herself another "significant other" aka meal-ticket to keep her up.
Your husband protects his drug addict mother because he sees her as helpless and dependent and he has to rescue her.
I see those as two different paths.
Wish I had that option with my mother. Unfortunately her people came over on the Mayflower.
Husband needs to decide if he is a married man or a dutiful little mommy's boy.
I would divorce my husband before I was subjected to having this in my home. But, it is up to you to decide if being with him is more important then your own well-being.
Is smoking weed considered the same as smoking cigarettes? People have had their children taken from their custody for smoking tobacco cigarettes in their homes and cars.
I have a rule about weed and weed smokers. I don't care what adults smoke or don't smoke. Anyone who lives in my house knows that if I ever smell it on my property, they will find their property thrown out on the curb. Bye-bye. I won't have recreational drug use in my home or on my property.
Federal laws still deem it illegal.
If you expose your baby to pot in your home with MIL smoking there, you will be prosecuted for child endangerment, and will lose custody of your child.
CPS has their own laws, rules, judges.
And your husband wants to support her and pay for her pot? It does not matter if the pot is medicinal and Mil has the right to use it. Your child has the right to grow up in a drug free home that is safe. Does your husband disagree?
I don't care how liberal, carefree, or cool it seems to be accepting of pot, don't expose your child, or yourself.
Just say "NO" to drugs.
If a student comes in with a backpack, or clothing that stinks like weed, I would have to report it.
Social Services would be out there in a flash, and you do not want to have to deal with the ramifications of THAT.
Plus, your child might indeed share details of your home life with his/her teachers, along with other children. It will be a MESS.
If MIL buys weed, that means that her dealer, along with like-minded people could start showing up in your home. This could lead to all sorts of danger.
PROTECT YOURSELF AND YOUR CHILD.
Polarbear’s post that starts ‘you are right’ is spot on. Believe it. Be very careful about relying on 'promises' from your husband. Whatever you do at this point, don’t go ahead with a joint house purchase, and do get a court-ordered child support payment if you separate.
Let her lazy self get deported. There have been 2 amnesties and she hasn't bothered to get legal, consequences for bad choices usually suck. I say bye bye! She obviously has nothing to offer anyone, so let her deal with being a useless waste of oxygen in the country she chose to remain a citizen of.
Yup. Man retreat to shed. Want no think.
Message for Cand1ce's man;
Come on, stop being a Cave Man! Use that BRAIN you have.
LOOK at the situation.
(Mom needs help/home)
WHO'S problem does it actually belong to?
(Mom)
He can CHOOSE to help his Mom by pointing her towards housing services, elder services, a doctor, a social worker, a leader at her church/temple.
He can CHOOSE to set her up in a home & go live with her. (Although this has DIRE consequences - he will lose his wife, children & house).
He CANNOT choose what other people do.
He CANNOT move his Mom into a home he shares with his wife or have his wife provide care unless his WIFE agrees.
Keep repeating these until he GETS it.
No
I said no
I said NO
I SAID NO
It appears on another similar post that Husband IS starting to get it. There is hope there.
Maybe appeal to his Intelligence?
Oh, I am sure you are smart enough to help your Mother find herself another solution.
Or his Manliness??
A strong man would say No to his Mom. Ouch 😜
BUT: this woman's SO is not dead yet. And in reality, 'a possibility that he will pass away soon' doesn't mean he WILL pass away soon, right? You are probably jumping the gun here, BUT, this woman will be horning in on you one day, sooner or later. So NOW is the time to sort all this out with DH and either come to an agreement where he puts you and your child first or you file for divorce. Unless you want to agree to having her move in and take over your home with her disgusting habits? I don't see any other way out of this.
Ask your DH why he married you if he was planning on supporting and housing his mother for the rest of her life? And why, then, did he not TELL you that was his intent BEFORE you said I Do so you could've said I DON'T? People who have hidden agendas in life wind up hiding the truth from their spouse until it reaches a point like THIS, and then you're gobsmacked. Which is so unfair it's ridiculous.
I think you have no other choice but to put your foot down hard on this matter, then stick to your guns. See a divorce lawyer too so you'll know where you stand BEFORE you make any decisions.
I wish you good luck & Godspeed getting through to your husband here. I don't advise 'marriage counseling' b/c the man doesn't see that asking his mother to live with you is a problem to begin with. He'd have to SEE that in order to make marriage counseling work, b/c it's necessary to compromise in a marriage. Forcing his mother upon you is not 'compromising'.
Actually hearing each other is key. Compromise is not always possible. But a new way to look at things, new ways to think about it, new decisions can be made.
"Did you hear your wife? She just said no".
I dragged my DH to a financial councillor once.. the guy said (in a very Aussie accent) "Well mate, happy wife, happy life. If you are on board with her plan, get on board. If not, split. You on board? OK. What'dya reckon's the common sence thing to do here? Good. Do that".
😁
What is your financial situation? Do you work outside the home? How old are you?
Please start thinking ahead to what is probable divorce. Do NOT buy a house right now.
Curious...what country is MIL from?
Make it clear to him that you will not buy if mil is going to move in. Be sure she has other arrangements before you buy. I think before buying, if that becomes a possibility, I would go to a lawyer to draw up a contract for him to sign that a condition of the purchase is that at no point will she move in - not now, not in the future.
Really you have nothing to lose by taking a stand. If he is determined to move mil in with you, you know the two of you will separate anyway, You drawing a line in the sand puts the ball back in his court.
Protect your self and your child. I am so sorry you are facing this.
If I were in this situation, I would rather divorce than have MIL come and live with you and your child. It will be a very negative situation and impact you and your child for the rest of your lives. MIL is relatively young so could be living with you for 20 years, or more!
Don't even try it. It is not an option. Either help your husband and his siblings find a solution for her or find somewhere else for you and your child.
I have no patients for anyone that won't even bother to take the free pass. Choices and consequences.
Second the answer would be... H3LL NO!
and well
Third the answer would be... ARE YOU KIDDING ME... NO!
Just in your description of her situation I would say no. My thing is this if they have the nerve to ask you should have the nerve to say NO! You cannot change a person have husband look at the situation and ask him if he wants her mess in his new house because you can only see that coming! : (