I am so jealous of people with independent elders. Can anyone relate?

Absolutely, I sure can. On my husband and my side of the family (especially mine), our family members have typically been pretty healthy and independent until one day they pass away. My mother, however, is the anomaly. She is 82 and now living with us as she cannot live independently any longer. For one, she is wheelchair bound as she refused to get both knees replaced- and her house is not nor can be modified to accomodate her. She also has dementia and refuses to engage in any kind of social activities, which I think help to make her more lucid. All of this has made me a little resentful too, because I see it as her not putting any effort into anything and just wanting to exist- not live. So here we are. I pray all the time for strength- and I've graciously been given it. :) We have also been blessed with a beautiful place in the country which gives us peace.
Anyway, I can't go anywhere without her calling me and asking when I am coming home. This is even when my husband and son- her grandson- are right there with her! She has always tried to live my life for me and that has not changed. I have been looking after her for many years, and more so after my Dad passed- it will be 16 years this year. It has only gotten worse, not better.
I look around and see family and friends completely carefree and I have an 82 year old baby at home. The differences here are there is no joy involved like with raising a child, and I can't just pick up and go and take her with me. My family and friends who have been caregivers either didn't have to provide any hands-on care, or if they did, it wasn't very long at all. So, they really don't know what I have been going through, no matter how much they say they understand.
I hear you 110%.

It is wrong of you to think that the grass is always greener on the other side! What you see on the surface may look or seem better than your own situation, but it is probably not true. Oh, maybe their parents are healthy and/or they have little or no problem with them, or the parents have passed away and left them with no problems. However, everyone has problems, sooner or later. You just do not know about them, or can see them. If you did know about their problems you would not be envious.

“There are only two ways to live your life. One is as though nothing is a miracle. The other is as though everything is a miracle.”

― Albert Einstein

I literally "just" joined the group and I so know what you are dealing with. My parents are in their 70s/80s. My dad has had multiple strokes and can barely walk, my mom is hi caregiver but she has become a hoarder and they live in deplorable conditions. My mom can't read, my dad can't see neither can drive, the don't know how to use nay kind of modern technology, won't even use a microwave, don't have trash service. I could go on and on but you all know how it is.

I live about a mile from my parents and my only other sibling lives in another state and barely ever visits. I have no children and a full time professional job and yet I have become the go to person for all my parent's needs.

This is resulting in constant fighting between my husband and I. He seems to think I can just ignore them but they literally only live a few blocks away so you tell me how I can just turn my back on them. We are an immigrant family with no other family members in this country so I don't see how I have a choice.

I totally understand and feel your pain.

I absolutely get where you’re coming from 100%. Similar situation. I’m 71 and worked in nursing for 40 years before retirement. Thought that I could enjoy life a little but that plan fell through. Have an elderly 91 year old mother who has been my sole responsibility since my dad died 13 years ago. She had plans of living with me which luckily I didn’t allow. We’ve never been close and she is extremely controlling and critical. She lives in her own home and was ambulating independently with a walker but has managed to fall and break her hip three times, even while the caregiver was there. She’s currently in rehab and complaining about EVERYTHING from the food, to the care, to the noise etc. She sees no reason why she can’t just go home with in home assistance. First of all, she’s currently not even able to stand up without assistance, in diapers and basically total care. When I hired in home care the last two times she broke her hip, the first one quit after 3 days because she couldn’t take it anymore. The second time the person lasted 10 days before walking out. Each time I’m left holding the bag. This woman is literally sucking the life out of me with her constant calamities and complaints that never end. Being an only child there is no one else to carry the burden and I have gotten to the point where even the sound of her name puts me into a state of anxiety and as much as I hate to admit it, anger. I don’t have any children but if I did, I would never, ever, dream of doing this to them. It’s selfish to simply expect your kids to spend their lives taking care of you. So, yes, I totally get it.

Yes, I am sort of in the same boat. My brother helps and my mom's sister helps, but I am the only girl and 98% of the burden is on me. I feel your pain! I deleted social media because it hurts to see people going on with life even in this pandemic. I don’t care to see baby, anniversary, wedding, engagement, vacation, or graduation photos. I sure as heck don’t want to see Valentine's pictures either. Don’t get me wrong, I am not angry at the people on social media (though I have had major bouts of anger), I suffer from compassion fatigue and cannot be fake how I feel. I was 47 when mom fell and turned 50 with her still in the same condition. I feel robbed. What I have been is honest with my mom about how tired I am and asked her to go into a skilled nursing facility for short-term rehab to give me a break. She does not want to do this. I have no other sibling that can do what I do.

So I asked myself back in 2019 why did my mom fall, suffer a spinal cord injury, and became a quadriplegic? What am I supposed to get from this? The answer is healing! My mom was emotionally unstable when I was a child and my late father was emotionally unavailable. He was a great provider and businessman and mom loved us as best as she knew how, but my dad rarely talked to me and my brother about life and with my mom, we never knew which personality would show up each day. As a result, I had a failed marriage and many failed relationships. It’s taken my mom's fall for me to get the help I need with a therapist. I no longer have those intense bouts of anger and I am finding peace with being 50. And, I don’t miss social media.

As for others who have independent senior parents, I figured that everyone will have their cross to bear someday. I look forward to living a good life when this season ends.

It is time to change the narrative. Have you looked into assisted living for her? There is assisted living for all levels of independence/dependence. You can still visit her after moving her to assisted living, however, it gives her the opportunity to find friends and limits the time that her "monkeys" are given to you.

In addition, when you become ill or incapable of caring for her, the time will come where she will still need care. Prepare for that time now.

I have found my Mom to be more needy and negative when she doesn't have enough "stuff" to occupy her mind. I have found that I can deal with these times better, when I have a plan for her future.

I don't have any answers, because I am experiencing a similar situation. I am 59 mom is 86. She moved in with me due to the loss of her partner. Now after 40 years of being on my own, she is in my life. I absolutely resent it. The truth is that it ends when one of us dies. I look at the obituaries and am jealous when I see parents passing away, thinking why can't that be my mom. Horrible trait I know, but it is how I feel. She is 86 and I get severe panic attacks when I think that this could go on for YEARS. And to make matter worse, she and my father were not very responsible financially and so she can't afford the astronomical cost of assisted living.

Yep, normal to feel like that. Been feeling like that my whole life. Lost dad at 16, mum lost her mobility around the same time. Never felt normal, never knew I should have sought emotional support. I'm now only 30 with a nearly 80 year old mother who refuses help although she's not self sufficient anymore. I'm mentally drained.

You're probably jealous of me. I lived close to my mother and the last five years of her life, I sold my house and moved in with her. She had dementia and as she declined, I followed behind her and took care of her problems. She was delightful to care for. Fortunately, she had enough money and I didn't have to work, Those were the most rewarding five years of my life. I miss her desperately.

I totally get it! And happy to know I'm not the only one who feels jealous when others have it so easy. I roll my eyes inwardly at most of the complaints I hear from friends about their situations. And I can feel jealous of the ones who enjoy time with their parents and families and still maintain a sense of normalcy. Not sure I've ever had much of that, but now, I definitely don't! But I've never been one to cave easily into negative thinking, so here's how I TRY to deal with it -- "try" being the key word here... I remember those around me who have it much worse (ex: parents who watch their child become a quadriplegic at 21 years old; people dealing with drug-addicted family members who are in and out of prison; and many of the contributors here on this forum, who have it worse than I do). I resist the comparisons because they always leave me feeling like a victim. I pray and stay hopeful, looking each day for something positive with my mom (ex: she was more cooperative than usual doing whatever today). I pray about every little issue and ask for God's help. I absolutely could not manage my mom alone. I believe God will equip me for the day, and then I look for it.

I hope this doesn't sound too trite or at all dismissive. I really do feel your pain, frustration, disappointment, and fear.

Whoever claimed they were going to "throw in the towel when they are 70" made me laugh. OK, maybe it's not a laughing matter. How old are they now, 60? Wonder what they will say when they are 68 or 69. Obviously they think 70 is really OLD.
Obviously they are clairvoyant!

The average length of life is longer now than ever before. That's because we've learned to prevent / treat / delay so many conditions that previously led to a rapidly impending death. It's debatable whether that's good or bad.

Yes!! My brother and sister help a little but because I have no kids and my husband is divorcing me 😥 I’m the one to take care of Mom 24/7. I just want to cry every day. I can’t leave her house for more than a couple hours because she needs help using the restroom. It’s only been a little over a month……

Upstream-- So mom got better and that "clipped your wings". If she's going to be in "independent living", she needs to be...well, more independent.
If she can drive (or thinks she can) she's got to be able to put gasoline in her car. Independent living facilities take residents, by bus, to grocery shop...but they have to be able to get around the store with a cart (motorized or not). Independent residents are expected to manage their own medications (maybe they depend on family to obtain them, maybe not). Independent residents have more recreational opportunities, which they can take advantage of IF able. This means they need to be able to board and leave a bus or van with minimal assistance.

It sounds like your Mom wants the freedom of "independent living" but isn't quite able to handle the tasks required. She will not be independent. You will be expected to assist her. And it sounds like she will expect YOU to do a lot.
If you are unwilling or unable, for any reason, you need to inform the facility. Her therapists may be optimistic and proud of the gains she has made, but that does not mean she can manage unaided. Don't feel you must "justify" the demands of your own life to the therapists, doctors or nurses. If you can't do what mom requires, tell them so. How you explain this to your mother is up to you.

By the way, "Independent Living" is less expensive than "Assisted Living". Maybe you can hire a part-time care giver to help her with what she needs in her new environment. It may be easier, from an emotional standpoint at least, to set limits with a hired assistant than it is with mom! And your visits can be more at your convenience.

Burnt, Upstream's mom is already in a facility.

Upstream,

You have to ask yourself this question and answer and be totally honest with yourself about it.

Do you really not want to share a home with your mother and be her caregiver?

If you answer "yes" start looking at care facilities to place her in. It's okay for you to not be her hands-on caregiver. You can oversee her care in a facility and be her advocate to make sure she's being properly cared for. You do not have to be the one who literally does the day-to-day caregiving. There's a downside to this too though. Any money or assets your mother may own will go towards her care bill.
This is a price many adult kids pay for putting mom and dad in a care facility.
Put your mother into facility care and resume your own life.

Yes, I can relate. I am living with my mother. I moved her into my house about five years ago after she had a stroke. It's been very, very hard. I now have cancer, and am completely physically and emotionally destroyed and she is still here, and I am still taking care of her. Neither of us have money. My family is of little help and when they do help, they are so mean and awful and resentful it's almost not worth it. My mom is on a list to get into some low-cost senior housing so maybe that will work out soon. I feel like my life is over. Not really because of her, but because of the cancer. That makes me feel really sad. I worked my whole life and then got sick and diagnosed with cancer a few months after retirement. Through all of this, my family won't help and is even cruel. Please don't be harsh with me. I know most people on this site are nice but I have been on it before and received some extremely mean and judgmental replies. You don't know the full story and I'm not up to posting all the details. I just wanted to say, though, that yes, when I see people who aren't caring for aging parents, I feel jealous. It's one of the hardest things a person can ever do for their parent. It is better to place them in assisted living or their own place with care if you can. I really enjoy reading the posts on this site. Knowing other people are going through similar things relieves a lot of the mental stress.

i feel the exact same way. Assisted living won’t accept my mother because of her memory issues and I don’t have $8000 a month to put her in a memory care facility. I love her but feel my life, my dreams and my wants are gone. And once my responsibility to her is over I will be too old to do what I want to do.

Yes, yes, yes. I feel exactly the same way. It is really hard having to be everything to someone. I completely relate to how you feel.
Being a caregiver really is difficult.

It might be helpful to join the Alzheimer's Dementia Caregiver's FB Support Group. You can vent there without judgment.

Oh I certainly do get where you are at and how you are feeling. I am only child of single self-absorbed, self-centered narcisstic mother with absolutely no other family/relatives. It all fell on me. (Even though in her eyes I couldnt do anyting right - even smile right!!!) After 30 years of 'helping' her (last 15 years required more and more help and assistance every year since she absolutely refused to move from her condo to AL (told me she would commit suicide if I made her go...not guilt there.........) and I even hired her some home help, but she didn't want strangers in the house and wouldn't let them in - throw in some of her surgeries, very beginnings of dementia, 2 years of Covid, etc...)). She finally passed away this last summer after a horrific fall that required 2 surgeries, whereby she ended up in hospice...everything, and I mean absolutely everything was on me - 24/7. I was absolutely and totally exhausted, burned out, - I was so wore out I was too tired to chew my meals...lost 30 lbs in just 6 weeks and was going on 3-5 hours of interrupted sleep. And now am paying the price.

What has 30 some years done for me - well, like many of you - I have no friends, I have no 'support' system - because like who - if you have no family or friends and 'strangers' aren't allowed. And now, at 67, I am no longer able to do many physical things I used to or would like to - all those years took a toll on my body. Heck, the last vacation I took that was more than 2 days was back in 1992 (every time I tried, 'something' would happen and mother would end up at the ER, or she would convince her doctor she needed a procedure that 'HAD' to be done the same dates of my going away...and I didn't have the $$ to do a vacation only to have to book another flight back to deal with an emergency)

SO yes, when someone said I was 'lucky' to have her around - I would just smile and not say a word. And yes, I was envious of all those other out there who were appreciative of their kids' help, of those who were the glass half full, those who smiled. Or those who accepted that the time was now to move into AL. Or who didn't alienate all the neighbors with their no filters conversations. Or who could figure out how to deal with every little 'problem' on their own (the tv remote doesn't work, the next door neighbor isn't nice to me, the bus shuttle isn't going to the grocery store this week, my doctor wants me to have a blood draw.......... to the perceived big problems like the Big Earthquake happening any moment, how and what to prepare for the apocalypse that should be happening any time, what to do when a foreign country takes over ours, how to reinforce the 3rd floor balcony so noone can break into her place..............)

With my hindsight now, I should have done differently. So, If you do not set firm concrete boundaries now, and start putting yourself first - you will be too old to pursue your goals/dreams let alone be physically able to - like me. And be angry and bitter about it because it just might be too late. Because between the aging and the high stress that our parents put us through, not to mention dealing with our own stressful lives in a different world - it will age you faster than you realize. And your mother might pass away this year, next year, 5 years, or 10 and you would still have another 20 to go for sure - and I think you would like to be able to 'live' those remaining years, not just exist in them.

Yes, I can relate. I am an only child and was in a very similar situation. My mother had OCD and would not let anyone take care of her except me. Even though she was sometimes abusive towards me, I continued to help her and take care of her since I was a teenager and gave up a lot (marriage, family, travel, etc.) I felt so jealous of those who had independent parents. I suffered to the point of wanting to die. I turned to God in my distress and eventually became a member of the Secular Franciscans (while my mom was still living). During her last year she became much more compassionate towards me possibly due to my willingness to not give up and put her in a nursing home(which she dredded). I could have taken the easy road and put her in a nursing home, but this is not God’s will. I saw “the suffering Jesus” in her in the end she saw “the compassionate Jesus” in me. She died a year ago and I don’t regret taking care of her for most of my life. (I am now 54 years old)

In the end, the most important thing is not what you do with your life but how much you love others (especially your family). You don’t realize it now but you will be repaid generously (by God) for all that you are doing for your family. Please don’t give up. Remember, our main purpose in life is to help others. But please try to get help if you can. It’s not good to try and do everything, even though I did. But in the end you will not regret helping your mother. For me, it has brought peace. Be strong. God bless you!

Upstream: I don't understand your parents' mentality of "throwing in the towel" when they turned 70. If I had done that, I would have already been six feet under 5 years ago yesterday, my actual birthday. My own late mother, who was a legally blind woman, lived in her own home solo many states away from me until she required help at the age of 94. I can understand why you're upset.

Like... I can relate. Like totally.
I don't understand this though: "I am so glad I did not have children of my own - there will never be a risk that I will do this to someone."
Just be thankful you live in a warm climate and don't have to put up with all the "Snowflakes."

P.S. Grand children are the best part of life.

I am 82 and my husband, an amputee, is 84. We are independent seniors. I’ve planned for this having taken care of my mother until her dementia became too hard to manage. Our children were young teenagers, my husband and I both worked and no one was home during the day. She became ill and the Dr said once she left her familiar surroundings she could not go back. It was very painful but mom would be safer in a memory care facility and she was better off than she would be at home. Mom had been frugal, worked most of her life, invested a bit and so had some money. I worked with an elder law attorney and created an unbreakable trust for my mom with me as her guardian. She was able to live in the nursing home for several years, never knew me when I visited with her. As time went on she became mostly non-verbal and had to be helped with eating, toileting and pretty much all ADLs. My brother lived in another state so he visited once a year, ok tho, mom and SIL pretty much hated each other. Anyway, all this taught me to be ready for our old-age and I definitely do not want to burden my children with taking care of us. We have always lived below our “standard of living” and now with investments, pension and social security we are able to hire a daily caregiver for my husband and I am able to get out with friends. When and if it gets too hard for my husband at home we will have to go to nursing home placement. If I am still independent I will sell the house and move to a retirement community. Not bragging, but guys, we read these stories over and over - what’s the saying? “Forewarned is forearmed”

We don’t have to be angry or resentful just because those attitudes were modeled for us by our parents. When those feelings begin to dictate our world view we become self-made victims. You’ve already determined that the rest of your life is hopeless. You’re right - life isn’t supposed to be this way.
Please consider therapy. It’s hard to change, but much harder to give up on life at your young age. Ultimately, we all need to relearn how to view our destiny.

You are young to be dedicating yourself to care for your mom. Have you had the discussion with her about how she'd like to live the rest of her life? Things will be different for her now that your father has passed away. It may get lonely. Would she consider a good senior residence? Some of them are very nice, they do the cooking, cleaning, have activities, etc. She'd get to meet other people her own age. Her other option is to hire help (people to help with housework, and caregivers for her, if needed). Does she have the finances to afford this? Get connected with a local social worker or organizations that cater to seniors so that you both can get advice on you mother's options. You may have to let her know what your own boundaries are regarding helping out and caregiving.

Another who understands you completely here. Much of your story is my story as well, including the expectation to be responsible for literally everything, from life management to emotional security. I've had to start avoiding social media entirely for the months of November and December because my mental health simply cannot take the constant reminders of parents who have made the effort to be healthy, responsible, conscientiousness people.

I have no advice (besides getting off social media). Just want to say I hear you with all my soul. And that you deserve better.

I'm 71 (healthy) husband is 75 (not so much). My parents are in their 90's living at home. Mom has vascular dementia (but otherwise pretty healthy) and is fading.....my sister in I fill in the gaps that my dad can no longer maintain. Housecleaning, most meals, med oversight, dr.'s visits, grocery shopping and so on since they insist on staying put in their 2500 sq. ft. home. Little has been done to thin things out since mom is very attached to her overwhelming amount of stuff and will get very angry if we even remotely attempt to donate, discard, or take for ourselves. She can't remember a damn thing, but if something is missing she knows. Moral of story.....I will NEVER do this to my children. When I reach the point that I can no longer fend for myself, I will make the necessary arrangements. Right now my philosophy is that less is more and am finding that it is not only refreshing, but liberating. I want my last years spent enjoying the company of my children when they come to visit and not them to be confronted with the tasks of taking care of me. Good luck, know you are not alone.

You’re not alone. I envy elderly people living independently and wondering why couldn’t that had been my mom or dad. But it just wasn’t God’s will. Maybe they suffer on this side, but see their reward on the other side. Only God knows. We don’t know what our last years in this body, will be like.

Parents are only independent until they aren't. Some of them made decisions long ago never to live with the children. Some never addressed their own mortality and their abilities declined ever so slowly that asking for help for a small task became needing help for nearly all tasks. Once those things became the responsibility of others (their kids), it became the routine that worked for them to remain in their homes and still thinking of themselves as doing ok/independent.

It seems that once you move in with parent or visa versa, it is much more painful for everyone to change that decision. So I would urge all kids who are not the caretaker type to resettle parent in appropriate facility/assisted living as soon as parent begins needing any kind of help - if they can't maintain yard and house any longer, it's time to move to place with no yard/no house maintenance. Do it while they are still clear headed enough to see that current living situation will get harder and harder...unless they have unlimited funds to see them through to end of life.

What you may think at the moment to be a better situation (kids don't get involved, parents are doing well, and end the end you just split the pot of assets and move on) is really dependent on 'what you can live with'. I know that I would not have been able to live my own life, guilt free, knowing I didn't help and just waiting to split the pot of gold. Everyone is different in what they can live with.

If mom has any income or savings at all, figure out what kind of respite it can buy you. Maybe 3-4 days a month away from the home to reconnect with friends or to do something you enjoy --- even getting a motel room to enjoy nothing but quiet time at a nearby town that has shopping or something that you enjoy. Perhaps even a week every 3 months that you can look forward to. Perhaps you have just gotten into a rut of doing nothing all the time (easy to do) and youll have to force yourself to find some 'me' time.

Dear Upstream; I can relate to you and my heart feels your pain. I am not the only child, but the only child who takes care of anything for my 89 year old mother. I'm 65 now, still working full time at a very stressful job, have a husband who had brain surgery 4 years ago and therefore I have both him and my mother to be the sole provider for. I too, know that the "rest" of my "good" years will have been taken from me as I cared for family members who couldn't care for themselves. But, I am thankful that God gives me the daily strength to put one foot in front of the other and I try to remind myself that while it is my duty to take care of them, it is also my honor. One thing I personally lack is the ability to take care of myself, to take frequent times of respite and that would be my greatest suggestion to you. No doubt, you will lose a part of your own life by being the sole caregiver of your parents. But, you will also never have regrets. Even if you just sign up for a once a week yoga class or monthly pedicure, try to do some things that you do just for yourself! It's a tough journey for sure.....but God must see in you the gifts that it takes to be a caregiver and in the end He will restore what you've missed in one way or another. God bless -- it is hard!