I feel sad and old, and I am the daughter. Advice?
Thank you all for reading this whine about my interactions with my 82 year old, widowed mother. I am 62. I feel tonight so burdened, guilty, sad, old, ashamed and wretched. All because I drove the hours drive to my mother's house and spent several hours with her and her latest DRAMA. The latest of her Many phones not working again. Bah. She can't work it. Has never learned, will never learn and creates a storm around this. Acts all nice and calm and polite because her friend turns up while I am there and then when said friend left, she tells me she heard from my son who rang her recently to ask if I, yes me, her daughter, had been OFFERING MORE SUPPORT LATELY. And meekly informs him oh yes. I am not an elastic stocking. But her flying monkeys have now got to him to spread her endless neediness and moaning and criticising even further. I think she is a narcissist. Her flying monkeys are her two other daughters. They are either bullying and fighting with her or not speaking to her. Neither has talked to me for years. I won't be coerced and I don't coerce or try to control my mother. I try to be a gray rock when with her. Sometimes this is really protective and helpful. However today she got her snipe in. Letting me know her, her monkeys and my dear son who I have an easy friendly relationship with, have ALL been in the Judgement Mob on me for not paying her Enough blasted attention. Where does the poison stop flowing. All the needs and wants that she has expressed over the 16 years since dad, her husband, died, I have heard. Nothing is ever finished, right, good enough, new enough, straight enough, etc etc. I have offered practical solutions to some of her problems i. e. I said I could re-landscape her yard using my time and money, to make a low maintenance garden but NO, the lawns and Roses must stay so she can continue to complain about the Pruning and How The Lawn Looks Scruffy. I asked her to move in with my daughter and me and put my home up for sale so we could buy a bit bigger one. She said yes. She is old, ill and alone and I hoped this plan would be a win/win. Suddenly one day some months later in front of a group of extended family she announced loudly that she would not be moving in with me in a belligerent voice. Did not bother informing me one on one. Luckily I had not sold my home. I was deeply hurt. Later she said to me that she would not live where I was because "the family" would look down on her. I have a nice house in a retirement park and a good job in a hospital. I was wounded again. Yet she keeps saying she wants to see me and my adult daughters and son and tells people that I am the only one who does not push her around. YET I know she trash talks me to her friends. She has a kind of slowwww leaukaemia called CLL. I feel vile saying this but I wish she could just cark it. I love her but I don't like her and my pain will not end soon. Thank you for listening.
You have backed off from your sisters. Do your best to back off from your mother too, so long as in reality she is OK.
Of course she wants to see you more because you're her whipping post. You are the dumping ground for all her drama and toxic behavior. She wants you to be around more so then she can complain about you coming to anyone who will listen.
Know why the 'Judgement Mob' is ganging up on you? You're an easy target for them because you take it from your mother and from them. They don't want to become whipping post apprentices to you to take some of the burden off of you. They don't want to step up and take on any of the responsibility for mom's needs or care because that's your job. Their job is criticizing and talking smack about you with mom. They like this situation as it is and know that in order for it to remain as it is you must be kept in your place.
Girlfriend, you need to take one huge step back from all of them. Let your mother fend for herself and if she can't she can call the
'Judgement Mob' to come and do for her. Please stop letting yourself be treated this way. You don't deserve it.
I've adopted a saying for when the complaining starts.
'Those who can do. Those who can't need to shut the hell up or they will get nothing'.
This works all the time.
You cannot ever make them happy because they cannot BE happy. It's a foreign concept to them and not in their wheelhouse of emotions. There must always be drama and harsh words and manipulations.
Aren't you GLAD that she didn't wind up moving in with you? You'd have that negativity on a daily basis.
It's taken my sibs 20+ years to see that I am the 'least favorite' child and see how hard that has been for me to deal with, on a constant basis. Mom puts on a good front for her few friends, but to family? I'm not even in the picture.
Going grey rock and staying that way was what saved me through the year of cancer--and her complete lack of sympathy or support.
I'm lucky--mother cannot dial a phone, so she doesn't contact me. I choose not to contact her.
Learn from this and don't be that way with your own kids. Sometimes, people are cautionary tales. Not good examples.
Try to share notes and observations with your primary circle. I set up a private Facebook messaging group for some of it. Talking with the others helps, too, sharing notes in a non-angry, shrug-it-off way. Don’t trust a thing you hear from her. Sister called me the other night to ask if there had been an angry confrontation between my mom and another relative. Mom was furious about it, angry and complaining. But the event, the confrontation and accusations, never happened. It might have been a dream Mom had. A lot of potential anger in the family got immediately diffused and ended by that phone call to check if something really had happened.
Did u ask your son if this is true? I bet it isn't just a manipulative tactic. This forum is full of people trying to deal with a Narcissistic parent. You can try and love this woman all you want but you will never get love in return. She does not have the ability to show love or empathy. Its all about her. So let her flying monkeys do the work. If she can't do the upkeep on her own home, then time to sell and find an apt or move to an AL. You cannot solve her problems for her, she has to do that herself.
I loved my Mom and got that love in return but, I would never have driven 2 hrs round trip because she didn't know how to use her phone. I am assuming ur talking about a cell because she must have used a landline to call u. If its her landline tell her to call the phone company.
Really, you are torturing yourself for someone who doesn't care. Hey, I tried to be the good daughter growing up. I never tried to do anything that I would lose their trust. I was there for their hospital and rehab stays. Made sure they were remembered at the holidays and birthdays. Not that my brothers did. Cared for Mom after Dad passed. But I know in my heart I would have never put up with any abuse. I don't do confrontation well so I would have just walked away.
So this what you may have to do or set up lots of Boundries. No, I am not driving 2 hours to show you how to use the phone. If you don't know by now you never will. Fight quietly back. Don't show anger, they feed on that. Just learn to say NO. As said on the forum, No is a complete sentence and guilt is self induced. As she ages Mom will need you more than you need her. The ball is in your court and she needs to realize it.
And I am so glad she did not move in with you. You life would have been hell. And never feel you need to be responsible for her care. She can always become a Ward of the State.
And for the love of god, don't have her move in with you if a visit is so awful.
Seriously... get that living together thought out of your mind. It would be a catastrophe.
Why in heaven's name would you accept your mother's assessment of what they think?
And, no kidding, I have literally broken out in a cold sweat of relief reading further that your mother wrecked the plan for you all to move in together. I'm sorry your feelings got hurt in the blast, but - oh dear Lord. You wanted her living with you???????