When we began looking at facilities, my mom thought she was going to assisted living. Memory care is very different. The shock of this move on her I feel has made her worse quickly. I focused on the nice room and activities available. I should have focused more on the staff. She is very unhappy. Some of them are not very nice, I have witnessed it myself. They also do not take them outside daily. She was used to daily walks with her dog. She has been calling me every night crying for hours. I visit every other day and somehow it makes it worse. She is not as far gone as most of the residents, which I think makes it worse too. She lived with me the last 5 years and she misses our dogs and my son , her grandson. My son and I just could not manage her needs, we were all arguing and the stress was unbearable. I almost immediately saw how bad I was at managing dementia when we moved her. I miss her terribly and feel like I should seek another facility. There is one close by that is all memory care and has nurses trained in dementia 24/7. It is slightly more expensive and she only has about one year worth of funds to stay. We would lose one month of rent for leaving early ($8k) but her comfort is the most important thing. Isn’t it?? Or should I move her back home and hire help? Maybe change my job so I can care for her part time ? I keep telling her to give in more time. My heart just hurts for her. I cannot leave her in a place she isn’t doing well. I see her slipping away faster than when she was at home. This doesn’t make sense to me. She cared for me her entire life, and I feel like I’m abandoning her now when she needs me most. I feel regret already. Any advice would be appreciated. I am alone with no family help except my amazing 22 year old son. I am 52.
You didn't create your mom's dementia. You can't fix it. Guilt is out the window; but it is worth grieving.
I would check other facilities and I would move Mom, yes; that is an option. If you are looking for ideal it isn't out there, but what IS out there more and more is an intermediate facility, where there are locked cottages with about 14 residents each, who CAN go out with staff to walk the dog, who CAN get along in community and enjoy their time. My brother's facility in Palm Springs had such intermediate care.
This is hard for you to see. But throwing your own life and you son's (worse) onto your mother's funeral pyre isn't the answer. Life is full of difficult transitions. For us elders (I am 81) this is our last; it's full of losses. That's the norm in it. Please dont add the tragedy of sacrificing your young to it.
I wish you luck. MC is very expensive. I hope you find care less expensive. Do consider Board and Care which is often family run and fewer residents, more personal care. DON'T expect Mom to love it. Sorry. That's not going to happen. She wants to come back "home". YOUR home. To YOUR life and that of your son. I advise you not to let that happen. Embrace the sadness and grief of this transition. The only way out of it is through it. I am so sorry and wish you the best and hope you'll keep us updated.
If you want to switch to another facility, sure. But do not take her home. Not even for a few days or even a few hours. It will be painful for you and her on every level.
If the aides at moms current MC are rude or whatever, speak to the Executive Director about it right away. Tell the ED you'd hate to move mom but you will if something doesn't change.
In the meantime, stop feeling guilty about something you didn't cause, can't cure and can't control. My mother lived in Memory Care Assisted Living for nearly 3 years and did fine, albeit her chronic complaining which would've happened anywhere on earth.
Best of luck.
Does the other place that you like better accept Medicaid?
Does the place she is in now accept Medicaid?
If the "nicer place" accepts Medicaid then move her.
If the "nicer place" does not accept Medicaid you will be moving her again in 10 months give or take.
If the place she is in now accepts Medicaid she will not have to move when you have to begin the application process.
If the place she is in now does not accept Medicaid you are going to be looking for another place but you have a bit more time if you leave her where she is.
No matter where she is she will not be "happy" but she will be safe, she will be cared for and you can return to being her daughter and not her caregiver. Your son can be your amazing son and grandson and not be a caregiver. (that may end up resenting you and grandma)
Choosing to place someone in a facility that meets their needs is not a failure on your part it is an admission that their care is beyond what you can safely manage at home.
Leave mom where she is and wait for her to adjust. Don't be eager to pick up the pieces, don't necessarily believe everything she says, or find her a new place. She probably wouldn't like that one much better.
Are there therapy dogs who visit her new home? Ask. If not, there may be a program that could be set up. My neighbor's dog is a therapy dog and visits several AL and memory care facilities every month. A nearby facility has their own dog living on the premises. The residents get to walk him. Another facility near me has a bunch of little dogs and they visit the reseident buildings with the owner of the facility. Sometimes he brings puppies! He breeds them in his adjacent home.
Don't move mom home with help. That puts you in charge of managing the whole thing, which is difficult (I did it). Don't change your job. That requires even more of an adjustment for you when you need to stay strong and resolute.
Let it roll along. Mom needs to start socializing with new friends and enjoying as much as she can. I agree that you should stay away so she can adjust.
However, I believed the promises the facility made about my mom, but she ended up being placed with people much further along, they did not take her out as promised and they missed delirium and a nervous breakdown, then inappropriately medicated her, and all went downhill from there unnecessarily.
My second mistake was not listening to my gut. You know your mom better than anyone at this point. Tell your heart to be quiet for a minute and sit at the facility at different times and watch how they interact with many other residents. (Edit) Temporarily hire some home health aids to visit her for a couple of hours and report back (they’ll know what good care should and can be) or get PT in to observe. The PT ultimately saved my mom. He knew her and started flagging disturbing stuff and because he was a professional, her outside docs listened to him so we got her out.
This place might be the right fit with some tweaks, but my uncle moved into a different memory care with a wider variety of levels and many more suitable activities and was incredibly happy until his passing of something unrelated, so it is possible. They had walking paths people were allowed to use as they liked and that mattered a ton to him.
Also (and I’m going to shout) DON’T JEOPARDIZE YOUR JOB!!! Been there, did that, paying a lifetime price, highly do not recommend, and worst of all, it will only temporarily stave off the inevitable. Find the best place you can within her financial means and adjust. Some things matter a lot, some things not so much, some things are tweak-able.
Mom now is at an adequate board and care. This transition went much better because I, her friend, some of our previous care aids all visit her regularly and have since day one, and she doesn’t feel abandoned now like she did before. That 2 wks at the beginning thing depends a lot on your loved one’s personality and your dynamics with her.
Good luck. It’s hard no matter what you do. Sending you all good thoughts.
If you move Mom back home it will be next to impossible to get her out again . Her needs are only going to increase , increasing your stress and the situation will get worse for all . It will take time for all of you to adjust .
I know that sounds almost cruel to do that, but it's been proven to work. I've had friends that stayed away for the 2 weeks and their loved one adjusted fine, and I've had friends that didn't stay away but went every day or like you every other day, and their loved one had a much harder time adjusting. Perhaps that's why your mom is having such a hard time adjusting, and you may want to rethink how often you visit for a while.
There is nothing easy with this horrible disease of dementia, and you're doing the very best you can with your mom.
Should you bring her back home? No, as her care will only get worse as the disease progresses. Should you move her to the other facility? Not yet, as I don't believe you've given this other place a fair enough chance. Plus NO place is perfect.
Anyone that has had to place a loved one in memory care will tell you that it's one of the hardest things they've ever had to do, but often it's not only in the best interest of the one being placed, but for family members as well who realize that their loved ones care is just too much for them.
You've done the right thing in placing your mom where she will receive the 24/7 care she requires and be safe, and where you can get back to just being her daughter and advocate.
So give mom time to adjust to her new home. And if that means you have to stay away for a while, then so be it. And you may have to take away her phone so she can't be calling you every night. Either that or you just let her calls go to voicemail, and you just check in with the staff daily(if you need/want to)to see how she's doing.
None of this is easy, but you must now accept that this is what's best for all involved.
You cannot care for her, she will continue to get worse. This disease has no cure.
Give this some time, you are overreacting, acclimation all takes time. Money management is key, don't spend anymore than you to as she will have to go on Medicaid and into a nursing home.
I wish you the best.
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