Firstly, I come from a very long line of nurses. I, myself, am studying to become a licensed psychologist, but it is impossible to analyze oneself. I currently make a living as a home healthcare aid (CNA) and also worked in assisted living for three years prior to going back to school.
My grandmother has had advanced kidney disease for about 6 years now. Dialysis 3x weekly 4h per. She has survived many crises that many called miraculous. She is 79 years old. Recently, things took a turn for the worst. Since I had enrolled back in school I began caring for them, helping out to dialysis, shopping, usual light duty stuff. However, 36 days ago she wound up in the hospital. She suffers from (aFib in addition) Basically, as a fam member put it... she is a "medical mess" but has such a fighting spirit and won't give up. Which I adore about her. 20 days ago due to circulatory problems stemming from many things including the above, she had her right leg amputated above knee and will never go home again. Over the past 36 days, she has gone bk & forth between lucidity and delusional every week or so. *no hist. of dementia, probably pain meds, and frankly just the whole situation* one day saying she wants to stop dialysis & nutrition and pass away, next day wanting to fight. I have started the grieving process 3 times thinking she was going on hospice only for it to change 1 day later. I have whiplash. My mother, who is an RN has literally lost her mind. (we all know how it is... I've seen it a million times in my own patient's family members) but she has truly lost touch with the reality of the situation. She refuses to stop until every and all medical avenue is exhausted, even if it already HAS BEEN exhausted. She is getting into arguments with staff, is a menace to be around as she is always angry & stressed, and in the meantime, myself and her brothers are helping carry the rest of the slack but she has CHOSEN to take on 80% of it. She took a 3 month leave from work, her relationship with my stepfather is in a shambles, I cannot get through to her despite knowing how to approach it in a calm and beneficially communicative way.
At this point I know that there is no getting through to her. She is drinking heavily at night and blowing a fuse at the smallest of misunderstandings. I know where it is stemming from, but it is literally ruining our family, her mental health is at stake, and our lives are miserable.
I KNOW my grandmother. She is one of the most important people to me in my life and I know she does not want to continue this way. I can FEEL it. She will never be happy again not being able to walk/cook/be on her own without assistance. Let alone the likelihood of long-term survival with her other HUGE health concerns. We have been trying to get her into rehab, she got covid, the next time, she told us again she wants to stop nutrition and dialysis (today).
My mother is heartbroken, and cannot see that this may be the best thing for her. I cannot watch her go through this anymore, knowing that she barely has a chance of survival let alone a HAPPY life. But my mother will not give up & if I do not do things by HER rules, she makes me feel guilty, as if I do not care about my grandmother's life. I have run myself so ragged that I'm on the verge of a breakdown, myself. I am angry and frustrated ALL the time. I am worried for my mother's health ALL the time. I feel our lives slipping through my fingers like sand.
I want this to end. I know the only way it ends would be upon her passing... I WANT her alive. I want her here, but not like this. Not suffering the way she is. Her dignity is gone already, she is not the woman she once was. She is not happy. And neither are we. Our lives are HELL.
I want it to end. I feel absolutely horrible for admitting this. but I need to get it out. I want her to be at peace. I want to be at peace. I want my mother back, and I want my life to stop taking a back-seat. All I feel is misery.
Wishing you peace & sending you a hug.
That being said, I sooo understand you wanting your family members’ suffering to stop.
Your grandmother’s suffering. Your mother’s suffering. You just want the suffering to STOP already. You are a loving daughter, and it shows.
Praying for you right now.
Does grandma have a living will? A health care proxy? POA set up for someone when she is not competent?
Your mom needs some help. Will she see a therapist? Probably not but she's in a place where she could certainly benefit from a good one. She might need some meds to get her back on the right track. She's so busy grieving that she can't function properly.
One thing I've found about the AgingCare forum is that we're free to express our emotions, however raw they may be. Speaking about our personal journey through hell, and just getting it off our chest, can be very cathartic. I hope it was for you. But it hasn't changed the situation, has it? As much as you want it to end, (and that's absolutely not being selfish) you know it will end in its own time. You know you can't do anything about her demeanor, her happiness, or her remaining life span except to wish it would end. And that's OK. It will end, but at what expense to your own health?
I don't have any words of comfort for you, but, other than family, are there others you can lean on, confide in? Do you have a pastor you can talk to? You can't analyze yourself, but are you open to seeing a counselor? If not, research some resources on managing grief, especially anticipatory grief. Books and websites, e.g., can help. Misery is not a happy place! The seemingly hopelessness of the situation, and the anticipation of your mother's death can be managed.
“Lord, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change (your mother's medical condition), the courage to change the things I can (the difficult acceptance of the situation, and the possible need for professional counseling), and the wisdom to know the difference.”
This experience in your life will make you a great psychologist.
my sister and I found a wonderful assisted living facility for them. Both levels of care could be addressed in the same apartment. Yes they would have to sell their old falling apart house and spend down, but why not? Mom said no. She needs control, not accepting that the next time one of them goes into the hospital they will have to go to some facility and probably based only on availability.
There are many reasons our families respond to end of life stages in the way they do but it doesn’t mean you have to do it their way. I wish you well on this difficult journey.
Read my new favorite poem.
She let go- by Safire Rose
talking with others, like you are here or locally to find an Alanon group you can process and heal some of the trauma this is creating for you may help you gain perspective on what you can and cannot contribute without doing harm to your own well being... small things - self care - are critical for you. A book of daily meditations that is pure gold “the language of letting go” by Melody Beattie. Daily reminders of what is and is not in our control, in trying to ease the anguish of those we love, care for or support. Know you are not alone!! You are kind, generous of spirit & facing an impossible situation - grant yourself grace dear heart. Let go of things & burden you cannot carry for others - no matter how strong your shoulders. We all care about you here & hope you let us know how things continue to develop there...
💜 keep the faith, come from love - do your best & surrender the rest 🕊
This is why everyone once they become a legal adult needs to immediately make their desires known and legally binding in writing long before it’s needed, in what ever way your country considers legal and binding.