Dad is 78. He’s currently in the same rehab room he went to 8 months ago after a 2 week hospital stay and a bladder cancer diagnosis. In the midst of this medical nightmare, dad was also diagnosed with dementia. I sort of knew something was wrong but I guess I didn’t want to believe it could be dementia. Truth is... the dementia has taken the spotlight even over the several tumor resection surgeries, a round of BCG treatment (a second treatment starting in another week) and everything else that comes with rehab/LTC stays. My dad is private pay now and although we are not leaving him in the rehab untit room forever, that’s where he’s been this far BECAUSE with everything he’s been through, it was less stressful to keep him there rather than move him. I visit dad almost every day. Sometimes he knows I’m his daughter sometimes he doesn’t. He refers to the rehab as home. He remembers his house (he can describe it) but for some reason he thinks where he is now IS his house. He CONSTANTLY asks about his car. (He drove before he was hospitalized in December). When he asks about the car, and if the time is right, I tell him the truth - that the doctor hasn’t cleared him to drive (the doc never will) but his car is locked and safe. He forgets this and asks every day about the car. He says he drives now (he doesn’t). He says he needs the car for work (he doesn’t work). He says it’s his car and he needs it. When he calls me to ask for the gazillionth time where is his car, I tell him it’s safe but it’s not outside because he’s in a rehab. He doesn’t understand at all and most recently he’s been getting furious at me when I tell him this. He says that his car has to be there because that’s his house. He says I took his car (or my daughters took his car) and I’m trying to make decisions for him. I swear to God I try to reason with him (when he’s at his clearest state) but he never remembers and we go through the same thing over and over. I know he has dementia and I know it comes with many challenges but I’m an only child and I’m doing this all by myself. I’m 52 but I feel like I’m 12 - especially recently when he yells at me. I’m lost and it’s so upsetting that he thinks I would do this. Should I stop trying to explain when he asks where his car is? Should I just say “dad sometimes you get confused. It’s ok and you’re going to be ok but you are not going to drive anymore BECAUSE you’re confused.” I don’t even know if that’s right. I’m just getting worn out with this. He gets so angry and I do feel sorry for myself because I’m a good daughter! I’ve been there when no one else even visits! I know he doesn’t realize what he says 10 minutes after he says it. I just wish I knew what to say so he understood that he’s got a condition that causes this confusion but I’m here and I’ll always be here to make sure he’s safe. Any suggestions??
Creating moments of Joy
I heartily recommend.
He can't be reasoned with, his brain is broken and he will only get worse.
I would say it's in it's normal parking spot and move on to a different, less volatile subject.
I would also stop visiting so frequently and start researching long term care options. Is he in a facility that he can just transition to long term care? As hard as it is he has adjusted and that is a blessing for you.
Take a break, don't answer every call, the facility will call you in an emergency, so don't fret about missing something.
Hopefully this is a short cycle and he will be less accusatory sooner than later. It is hard when they believe we are capable of horrendous actions, you know the truth so remind yourself of it when he starts in. You can also hang up or leave when he gets ornery. You are the adult now.
you are doing great. Just consider this.
You are wanting dad to remember about his car and you can’t remember that he can’t remember. Crazy making, right?
No. Do not tell him he can no longer drive.
Its in the garage dad and then move on. Have the next thing ready to say. He probably has your face or your voice stored right there in his memory with the car. So when he sees you, he’s reminded of the car. He sees you and he’s thinking. There’s Annabox, better ask about my car!
And he wasn’t even thinking of his car before he saw you.
So try distancing yourself a bit and see if it helps you and him.
You have a lot to do to get things in order. Focus on that and let the facility staff care for him for now. He will drop it after awhile and it will be something else.
You will never make him understand that he is mentally unwell. Don’t do that to him or yourself. Your job is to help him move on when he gets hung up on a subject.
Check out Teepa Snow on YouTube. She is a great guide on communicating with our loved ones with dementia.