Im new here and I’m desperately looking to either vent or someone give me some advice.
Im a mom of three (one teen and two younger children) they are already a handful. I also work full time and 4 years ago I took my dad in because my mom had left him (he had a stroke, COPD, and developing dementia). I am now to the point where I’m overwhelmed. I cry like once a week, because honestly I just want alone time. Either I have my kids following me or it’s my dad. I feel like I’m loosing who I am. I have no time for just myself and no one else will step in to help for just a day. They tell me they have to much going. My husband helps me out, but we barely have time for the both of us. Im just exhausted and have so much guilt for it.
It sounds like YOU have a lot on your plate and your first resposility is to your kids!
What are dad's needs?
Have you called the local Area Agency on Aging and asked for a "needs assessment"?
What are dad's resources, both in terms of income and assets?
Do you have POA for health and financial matters?
Vent away.
Please answer the questions from BarbBrooklyn.
Immediate solution is to privately hire a companion aid for your Dad (using his funds, not yours) to keep him from Shadowing you (a common dementia behavior).
Also, stop expecting/hoping that others will help you (family, neighbors, friends). "It takes a village" doesn't apply here. The villager's plates are already full with their own problems.
Call social services for your county for an in-home assessment to see if he qualifies for any county-funded help (such as light housekeepinig, hygiene, light food prep). See: Dept of Health and Human Resources+(your state+your county).
Once you answer the needed questions you will get all sorts of more specific responses on this thread.
Is your dad a Veteran? If so the VA might be a great place to start.
Contact your local Veterans Assistance Commission. (every County will have one that you can contact)
Or
Contact (your State) Department of Veteran's Affairs
Your dad may qualify for Hospice.
With Hospice you will get a Nurse that will come in 1 time a week, more often if needed. A CNA that will come in at least 2 times a week to give him a shower or bath, maybe change bedding, order supplies.
You will get all the supplies and equipment that you need to care for him.
this is all covered by Medicare, Medicaid, most insurance. And about 1 week a year you can request Respite where they will transfer him to a facility so you can get a break, this also is covered. And you can ask for a Volunteer to come in and give you a break as well.
Your local Senior Center might have some programs that might help
If there is an Adult Day Program that he could participate in he would likely get picked up in the morning and returned in the afternoon. They would provide a snack, lunch and activities.
You did it for 4 years. There is nothing to feel guilty about if you get him out of your house. What i have found on this forum is that so many old people are living into their late nineties and hundreds
How many more years can you do this?
Let go of the 'guilt' and look at things realistically. What would you tell your best friend if she came to you with this issue? To feel shame that she can't juggle all these balls in the air at once? Or would you tell her to let go of something to make life more manageable?
You can't expect your friends or family to come in and take care of dad for a day; they'd have no idea where to even begin or what to DO. You can get dad some respite care in a local Memory Care AL for a couple of weeks so you and your husband can have some time together, and so you can see how he does. That's a good option to start. Get dad OUT of the house and into respite care so you can get a well needed break. Call around some local Memory Care ALs and see who offers respite care. Go from there; it's a good start to thinking about permanent placement for him. My mother lived in Memory Care AL for 3 years and had a great level of care and socialization there. No guilt on my part at all, just a good deal for BOTH of us.
Your body is exhausted and telling you to DO something, please, before you have a breakdown. Listen to it. It's wise and knows best.
Good luck