My Mother in Law passed away from Stage 4 Lung Cancer two weeks ago. Between diagnosis and passing we had less than 3 weeks and it was all so fast. Not to speak ill of the dead, but my in laws have always been so irresponsible with their finances. My husband and I are early 40s and have made mistakes but are working hard to correct them and pay off debt so we can plan for the future. My husband has an older brother 10yrs his senior with grown adult kids and the plan was to have my father in law move in with them on the east coast. My brother in law in retiring from military and will twice the income from a single earner than we do with both. Add to that my husband is now in severe depression due to his mom's death and trying to sort stuff out for his dad who now has barely any money to live on the way he has.
I'm the higher income earner for us and have always carried the primary financial responsibility for the full 16yrs of our marriage and I'm desperately struggling with having to deal with the potential added financial and other responsibilities that may be coming our way if his dad moves in with us on the house that we renting with just one extra bedroom and one bathroom.
In all this I'm also trying to look ahead at my parents who live out of the country and what would happen if something happens to them and I'm left with nothing extra to help.
Financial independence and stability is a huge thing for me and I see the potential for that to never happen the way things are moving forward. I'm trying to be very sensitive to the grieving process my husband and his family are going through but also be very cautious about not getting ourselves into a bigger financial mess moving forward!
I'm open to any advice and guidance on how to move forward with some care.
I'm terrified....but I've literally been so physically sick these last few weeks that I know this is the correct step for my future. His mental state concerns me a lot, but that is further proof that this is not where my future is!!
Thank you so much for all the advice!!!
I hope that you get everything you desire and find happiness for yourself.
Some danger signs -- you said H wants his father to move in with you. You've also written here that it would mean the end of your marriage.
So what's going to happen? Also realize that the capabilities FIL has now won't continue on into the future. And once he's in your house, it will be even harder to get him out. You will be expected to do more and more caregiving for him.
What kind of "reimbursement" is being promised if he moves in with you?
I am so concerned about all that. H keeps saying well when he needs to move into a nursing home then he would have saved up enough money for that... and I'm trying to figure out how he saves if he's supposed to pay his portion. I spent the day today working our budget and looking at our full financial picture....and its not pretty. WE are barely making it work right now...but if we tighten we can be clear of all our financial issues in about 3yrs. I'm trying to figure out when to show him all this so he knows exactly where we are!
Hubby is headed out to town this weekend to go see dad. I'm not going because frankly I feel like I'll be setting myself up for where I'm the bad guy again when I say something.
I think what needs to be done is wait. Family is jumping the gun here. Maybe someone needs to go to Dads home and see how things are with him. Maybe there are resources he can use. If he can get homecare thru medicaid he may get an aide who will make sure he takes his meds and fixes him meals. Set him up with meals on wheels. Medicaid has rides to doctors. There are senior buses.
(Gently) That is a ridiculous reason for FIL to come and live with you and dh.
I may have missed FIL's age, but he doesn't need to drive six-hours, round trip, to see doctors. You don't have time to take him that far, either.
So, either way, FIL will have to find new doctors. He can just as easily find them in older brother's town as in yours.
I'm of the mind that he can move in with BIL or find a low income place. And at least it doesn;t sound like I'm being unreasonable here which makes me feel less insane. Because at this point all his family is sort of making me out to the bad guy in all this!
You do not have the financial means to offer FIL anything other than a weekly call. If FIL starts failing to keep appointments, feed himself, etc, it will be much easier to prove him incompetent to live by himself and thus require a nursing home. The longer you interfere in his life, the more he puts off the inevitable. Stay away, let him take care of himself (even saying, looks like he's doing a fine job from here!), and let him make his own mistakes. If he moves into your home, I believe that's the end of your marriage.
So one I do live in the U.S. and am a naturalized citizen for almost 15yrs now. My younger sibling live in Australia and my parents live in in SouthEast Asia. My parents are still working and my brother actual does help them and due some of our financial struggles its been hard for me to provide help when they need which is really not much at all and they almost never ask either. But I want to be prepared for them as well. Next My FIL had a stroke almost 20 plus years ago and does have some heath issues. Biggest concern with him is that his short term memory is spotty due to stroke issues. So he does need some checking in on for meds etc...but he is mobile with a cane, drives and goes to the gym etc. Because of the string of bad decisions they have made in the past 20yrs or so... his parents have gone through 3 bankruptcies, refinanced house and car several times (which I didn't even know was possible) and are so behind on bills its crazy...but they have always hidden their true financial picture to all of us through the years. With Social Security and a little of my MIL retirement..he may have about $1750 per month. We did find out she has some type of life insurance plan...so trying to get more info on that now as well.
As far as my BIL...originally he was planning to take dad, but now basically my feeling is that he thinks its best he stays with us because we are about 3hrs from hid dad's docs. I do get that makes sense...but I'm very wary of how this will turn out and frankly the stress it has already and will put on our marriage as well! I know that sounds selfish ...but I'm having a very hard time with taking all this on given our financial position. I know there will be some financial 'reimbursement' to us..but I'm still going to be the one doing the cooking, cleaning, laundry for another adult...not to mention the loss of privacy and safe space that is my home that I know will be lost. He basically sits around watching tv and my job means I work from home 3 of 5 days as well so we can save money on gas, dog care etc. I have started quietly so do work on finding a low income option for him.... but fear even if its close to us...i will get push back from my husband since he has indicated he wants dad to stay with us...regardless of how that makes me feel at this time.
I know this is a hard time...but I'm also afraid that if I don't make my feeling knows it would be taken as consent to me being ok with what they wanting to move forward with.
I will definitely look into the Council of Aging as well. Thank you for that!
I would check into low income senior housing and get him set up in his own home.
Of course it can be a difficult transition for him but that doesn't obligate any of his adult children opening their homes to house him.
He will have to learn to live within his own financial means and to do for himself. You may be surprised at how well he does.
Best of luck, I am sorry for the loss of your MIL. I pray that God grants your family grieving mercies and strength during this difficult time.
Is your FIL in good health? I don't know that you live in the US, but if your FIL is an American, he probably at least has Social Security.
Did BIL agree to this plan of having FIL move in with him?
While you give your husband and his family a little time to grieve over their mother's death, can you (quietly and immediately) look into low-income senior housing in your area? Can you investigate other benefits for low-income seniors? Contact your area's Council on Aging and try to figure out a plan if your FIL ends up staying in your area.
**I wouldn't let anyone know you are doing this legwork, because though you hope FIL will move to your BIL, you have no way of knowing whether BIL will stick with the "plan". He may not do anything to make that plan work out -- he may not want to deal with FIL. If everyone knows you have taken some initiative, they may be perfectly happy to leave the whole thing to you.**
My concern would be waiting too long to get things moving because people (your DH and his family) may get used to the status quo and not want to put forth the effort to change it.
If your BIL doesn't ever pursue or cooperate with having your FIL move to him, and your DH becomes passive about making any changes in the current situation, YOU will have to be firm about finding an alternative living situation for your FIL. In fact, you may have to take charge of it. Try to be ready. Even though your BIL has a better financial situation than you and DH, he doesn't have to step up.
I would quietly prepare to take this on myself, but begin talking to DH about moving your FIL soon.
Is this still the plan?
Regarding your parents in another country, do you have other family (siblings?) in that country?