Some back history here. My dad recently passed away from heart issues so my aging mom moved in with my brother and his family in another state. It seemed like all was going good, but after three months she is returning back to my home state to live with my sister. Apparently there were issues with one of my brother's kids and his wife. My mom has really bad rheumatoid arthritis so is basically chair bound all day and can be very demanding and needy. I chatted with my sister today and she mentioned that we all need to help out. I immediately went on a small rant about the fact that I know I could never live with my mom under the same roof. So if helping out means we take turns having her live with us then I'm not able to do that. I love my mom and she loves me and I want to keep it that way. The problem is I feel guilty feeling that way.
A little back ground on me so people won't think I'm selfish and self centered. I was married almost 22 years. My wife died of bile duct cancer nine years ago. During her seven year battle of two surgeries, chemo, and radiation I took care of her religiously. I even quit working when her illness required I drive her to Seattle every day for her treatments. When she passed I had mental issues for over two years. Horrible anxiety and depression.
Fast forward to this year. My dad was having late stages of heart failure because of a heart attack he had years ago. for the last six months of his life I drove to his home and took him to all his appointments. Worked around his house, took care of mom's needs etc. I'm still caring for their place as mom decides what to do with it all.
So anyway, it's not that I'm a selfish person and don't want my mom living with me because I'm selfish. Geez my 22 year old son still lives with me and I'm still supporting him financially as he goes to college. I just know it would be a really bad idea to live under the same roof and take care of her. I know what I can tolerate, and I know my moms personality. I work in construction all day and to come home beat down and tired only to fulfill all moms needs and wishes she accumulated while I was gone would wear me out. Also, I'm an extremely private person that requires alone time every day to process things and be happy. I also suffer from OCD which would not be a good thing if mom was living here.
I just want to get her into a permanent place of her own where she can have her own space and maybe daily visits from a caregiver and her different kids. I will bend over backward to help my mom and my history of taking care of people proves that. I just can't shake the feeling in my stomach knowing I wouldn't want her to live with me.
Thanks for letting me vent.
What you can do is offer help to your sister to find the needed care situation for mom. Be very clear with her what you are willing to do.
I am the sister of the best brother in the entire world. I am 77 and he is 85. He is this year diagnosed with an probably early Lewy's Dementia, and a brain tumor that presses on his medulla. This has forced an entry into Assisted Living by a man who really is so very much more "with it" than most there.
The one thing I DO know in all of the many things I do NOT know about our uncertain future is that I am not capable of living with my brother and doing hands on care giving. It occurred to me for I would say a nanosecond. In that nanosecond I said "If you were any kind of a person you would now move to (his city) and get the condo next to his, and care for him the rest of your lives." Then that thought went poof and I re-entered reality. In truth I would not have been capable age 50 either. Or likely 40, 30, 20. As a matter of fact I find it difficult enough to live with my good partner, who is perfectly well both physically and mentally.
I spent my life as a nurse and I loved it. But 24 hour care giving was not something I could have done my best days on earth. Caring for family is MUCH more difficult than caring for patients. There is so much "stuff", so much "luggage" and such quickness to take offense, to disagree, to be free to melt down into childlike bickering.
So, in short, it isn't for me. I can apologize all I like for my inadequacies. It doesn't change them.
Were I in your position I would be perfectly capable of saying "I am uncertain of what you mean by 'We all need to help out', but I should warn you NOW that if it in any way means taking Mom into my home I am NOT CAPABLE OF DOING THAT, nor do I intend to try; I am all for having some family meetings as this goes along. But I will at this point in my life not be taking on more than I feel capable of. And to tell you the truth, sad and selfish it may sound, but I am capable now of very little. I am very sorry. I am sure you will want to sit in judgement of me, and I would invite you to do so and enjoy it. But what I am telling you is the simple fact, as straight forward as I am able, and with as much honesty. I might wish I were a Saint, but I am not. I am a flawed human being who has learned my limitations".
That would be me.
Now I give you pen and paper and I invite you to practice YOUR truth.
We need to start being honest about the fact that we are not super human fix-its. Welcome to the world of the horrifically flawed, minimally capable, limping along best as we can, wishing we were more.
Best of luck. Please update when you have time.
And please, don't spend a whole lot of wasted angst on those who wish to sit in judgement of you. You have earned more creds than I could ever even begin to IMAGINE, and you don't deserve that kind of pain.
I have come to realize that part of the problems with me living with caring for my mom is simply we are at to very different points in our lives and they do not mesh harmoniously at all. Plus the fact my mom is a narcissistic negative woman doesn’t help. Caring for her , I mean being her unappreciated slave keeps my own sanity teetering, nobody wants that.
DO NOT do it! Best of luck to you.
susan
I think you sell Mom’s place and use funds to get her into a living center that can help with daily needs. Right now she has bad arthritis and she will continue to worsen with other ailments as she continues to age. I tried to have my mother live with me...and found out I couldn’t and wouldn’t sacrifice my life, relationships, privacy, and time I have left on the planet to cater to her, when she chooses to not help herself. Oh year, and she set a fire in the kitchen and that was the day we had the CTJ meeting. You are NOT selfish. You are not a bad person. Take care of you.
I am in the middle of trying to decide what to do to improve things for us. Please look into other options. Parents living in your home adds so much stress. It really does.
My daughter is in her last year of college too. Your son takes priority. My daughter does not live at home. She’s an hour away. I hardly get to see her because I have to be available for mom.
Having your mom with you will leave you no privacy!
Do you think being a nurse has caused you to have more insight on how hard caregiving is? I think so. I know I walked into my situation blindly.
To tell you the truth I have NEVER found it easy to live with others. I am crazy about my brother. Living with him? After two weeks I am a madwoman. I am crazy about my partner. He drives me mad. I had the best parents in the world; they drove me mad. I just don't play well with others, I guess. I am a bit of a loner, a bit of a recluse, a bit of a neat freak, a bit OCD and great when in control,but if anxiety hits I melt into a puddle looking a whole lot worse than wicked witch of the west. Put all that together and who could live with ME, let alone me live with THEM.
I think it is the hardest thing we do. When it is family we pick up every piece of luggage they sit in front of us. We try to fix everything. We try to change them (for their own good of course) and they try to do the same to us, and grab all OUR luggage, too.
Human relationships are absolutely fascinating to me. I always think I have the answer to everyone else's problem, and of course I can't think my own way out of my own boxes even if there is a door on every side.
I think that those who "enter blindly" are the "romantics" of the world. They are the ones who think it is possible for things to go well. They are the optimists who see with rosey glasses. And life is very cruel to the romantics. I think there isn't anything so brokenhearted as a "failed romantic".
I guess I am a pessimist. I kind of expect the worst. Meaning I am sort of happy most of the time because either I am RIGHT--it IS the worst, OR it turns out better than my pessimistic self thought it could, which means I am ecstatic.
Go figure. We are all impossible, we human beings.But the amazing thing is how hard we TRY.
https://www.agingcare.com/articles/not-everyone-cut-out-to-be-a-caregiver-162192.htm
Thus, with my parents I decided I was suited for logistical stuff. And even that was overwhelming at times. But I was close to your Mom's age [I see from your profile she is 74], so I was senior trying to care for parents in their 90's. Pure exhaustion. Thank goodness we weren't under the same roof. My Mom wanted the temp in the house to be 80 something all year round. Chances are my parents would have outlived me just with that one issue if I had lived there :P
My Dad even asked for me to resign from my career. Say what? I not only needed that salary, but I needed the company offered health insurance [I wasn't 65 yet], plus the match 401(k) for my retirement, etc. Nope, I held firm on not leaving my job.
I would read to him from here & it gave him the strength to set boundaries and stick with them. Of course his siblings don’t like it but oh well.....
Please stick to your guns — you have every right to live your life as you wish. Your home is your sanctuary & you want — no, need — to keep it that way.
Apologize to sister but set boundries. Tell her you are willing to do what you can but if taking Mom in, that won't happen. Your job is too physically demanding to come home and have to wait on someone hand and foot. You could spend a weekend so sister can get away.
I do think its time Mom makes a decision on her house. The money she uses for utilities, upkeep and taxes could go for her care. Sell her house. Make sure u get a good price in case Medicaid is needed in the future. Put the money in an interest bearing acct. I could then have a contract written up that Mom pay rent to ur sister. (Will need this for Medicaid) You nor your sister should be out of pocket. Moms SS and any pension should cover her expenses. Like prescriptions, supplimental insurance if on Medicare, special foods, clothing ect. I am big on if they have money, thats spent first before I spend mine.
My MIL was always crying poor to me. But, she could always buy a new purse and shoes. Said she had been wearing the same clothes for 20 yrs. Doubt that, she had lost 30lbs. Joined those CD, DVD and video clubs. Found lots of them never opened. Joined those figurine clubs. When she passed my BIL found she had $48,000 in CDs. He had given her money for a new pump because "she didn't have it". She tried to get it from my husband but he didn't take the bait.
Sell the house and find a nice AL for Mom using the proceeds.
So sorry that your mom is going back home. Does that mean she is living alone? Doesn't sound like a long term plan. Sounds like she needs to much help for that to really be an option.
I'm sure you are wiped out - this is not easy stuff to deal with. Takes a lot out of you.
Living with others is a challenge. My mom lives with me and hubby. She's not terribly needs but it is still hard. I am like you - need quiet and downtime, etc. She would love to chatter all day and I just not wired that way. Anyhow, best of luck and keep us posted!
Sounds like she'd be best off, as you said, in a permanent place of her own. Assisted living? Or if she needs more care, a SNH. Will your siblings get on board with this idea? I think it would be a win-win. Would you be willing to be in charge of the work of finding a place, etc.? Does anyone have POA or is mom able to make these decisions for herself? Time for a family meeting?
It's also MUCH better than being unrealistic about it or, worse, fabricating reasons why it can't be done that lay the blame at somebody else's door. Just look around the forum to see how often that happens!
There are plenty of other ways that you can "pull together" with your siblings. Could you stand your mother if you were under your sister's roof for, say, an evening or a weekend every so often? - if so, then you could offer to "mother-sit" while your sister takes a break.
Or, you could offer to research respite care - strictly speaking, the bill for that should go to your mother; but if it would never happen or your mother doesn't have the money, perhaps you could bear some or all of the cost?
Just don't let your sister run away with the idea that you're not interested and not bothered. But recognising that you and your mother and one roof are a seriously bad formula - good for you. No one is to blame for that, and no one can or should try to blame you for that.
And savor your alone time. I totally appreciate your need for privacy and calm.
Speaking from experience, be honest about your feelings and needs. Offer what things you can do to help, maybe moving her, cleaning out the house, Financial assistance, finding a care service, grocery shopping or visits. But only take on what you can. Only you can protect you. And if you run yourself down physically or mentally, then you are NO good for anyone. BTW, get that 22 year old involved in Grandma's care and helping you out. He needs to learn the value of family support. Someday you'll want him to help you, and you need to be a good role model for him. Running yourself down is not a good role model. No one wants to sign up for that if they think that is the only way it works. It's all about balance and boundries! You can do this...you're strong and you've proven that. It's time to take care of you and NOT feel guilty or let others dictate your feelings! Best of luck and Blessings.