Hi everyone, I care for my Father, and all he does is lie in bed all day while I manage the household. He can get up if he wants to go to the shop to get a drink.
If I cook for him he says, "oh I can't eat all this!"
He is full of energy and when he is out he talks everyone's ear off. I am sick and tired of waiting on him hand and foot.
He is a difficult man who thrives on drama too.
I need to set boundaries and ultimatums as I am drained and he gets more energetic. I am not his Mother or minion or slave to no one
How is it that you come to be caring for your father? Did this start during an illness or emergency?
Is it time to back away from this situation and have him get back to managing on his own?
Sometimes when we provide too much support, we disable our loved ones and enable them to become less involved in their own care.
Don't make this mistake, for dad's sake as well as for yours.
My mom hated being served large portions of food. I put breakfast, lunch and dinner on lunch sized plates.
I’m the same way. Some dinner plates look like platters of food. It’s too much to eat at one time.
Your dad doesn’t have the energy that he did when he was younger so if he doesn’t want to do much, just let him be.
Allow him to do as much as he can for himself when he is up to it.
If you are growing tired of being his caregiver, look into alternatives, hire additional help or perhaps tour assisted living facilities.
If you are going to continue to provide care for him, please educate yourself about dementia and how it changes people and to learn ways to engage with them for more productive and peaceful interactions.
Like you, I have to manage everything and get mail, groceries, etc. My mom got diagnosed with cancer in the spring of 2017 and finished her treatments in the fall of 2018. She became immobile when she hurt her ankle a few months before the treatments ended and she's still immobile over 4 years later. Despite suffering from paranoia, her mind is relatively sharp. Physically, she's a 91 year old in the body of a 71 year old and idk how much of it is her sitting around and not doing more and how much of it is her body still recovering from chemo, radiation, and herceptin.
She lays in bed all day and only gets out of bed once a week for showers. It's now been 3 years since she last went into town. She hardly exercises and won't do physical therapy despite Covid and the flu being non-issues where we live. She says she hates being sick and stuck but doesn't hate it enough to change.
We have mild weather right now and she refuses to turn down the gas heater in our den. She opts to run the AC unit for several minutes to help lower the temperature. It got up to 83 outside earlier today and it got up to around 83-85 in the den.
I wish she didn't have such a high pain tolerance.
Ingore his demands. When he tries to pull you into some petty intrigue to instigate some drama, walk away. Totally ignore him.
Let him have a tantrum about it. Let him cry, yell, guilt-trip, anger, and rage until kingdom come or he wears himself out. He can do for himself.
If you do him a kindness and cook a meal for him, he can get up and eat at the table. Don't bring it to him. If there are complaints about the food, do what I do when my mother complains about the meal. Pick up his plate and throw it in the trash. Let him go hungry or make himself a sandwich.
Do not tolerate complaining or fussiness for one minute because it will turn to abusive neediness. If you think you feel enslaved now, keep catering to him and see what the situation is like in six months. It will be intolerable.
You are right. You are not his mother and he is not a child. You are also not a slave whose purpose is to serve him. You provide for his basic needs only. No catering and no humoring him.
Put the brakes on this nonsense today, my friend and you will be happy you did. It's for your father's own good too. Do not let him become dependent on you in the areas where he is still able to do for himself. Waiting on a fussy demanding elder hand and foot does not do them any favors. What it does do is destroy whatever independence and automony they still have. Many times it's caregivers who create a bad situation because they turn an elderly person back into a toddler by doing everything for them, catering to their every demand, and tolerating any behavior from them with no consequence. Caregiving is hard. Caregivers will just give in to an elder's demands because it's easier then staying strong and forcing them to do for themself (where they can) or to behave themselves and wait patiently for something. BTW, waiting patiently for something is a form of independence.
It is like with a child. The child throws a tantrum because they want something. The adult gives in and meets his demands because it's easier than dealing with the raging, screaming child.
Only now the child knows that this works and will play the tantrum card every time he wants something and has been refused.
Same thing when dealing with the demanding elderly. Don't play games. Don't allow yourself to be abused and disrespected, and don't ever give into a temper tantrum.
As I was reading your post I felt a sense of deja vu . My nearly 90 year old FIL is very much like how you describe your father. If left to his own devices he will stay in the bed anywhere from 11-17 hours a day, on average I would say it is probably around 15. Now in his defense - it sounds like FIL is far more immobile. But he doesn't have to be relegated to his bed all day. He has a desk with a computer and a chair. And he has an electric hospital bed that he could raise the head of the bed and sit up. But typically if he is in the bed, he is flat on his back and he puts his CPAP on - which means he will be asleep in less than about 5 minutes.
But when he is out - he is almost obnoxious LOL. He will roll up (on his scooter) to perfect strangers and start talking...unfortunately it is usually about how we hold him hostage at home (instead of the fact that he chooses to stay in those 4 walls 98% of his life)
He too expects to be waited on hand and foot. In fact one of his favorite things to say is "why would I do it for myself when they can do it for me?"
For him, all of the factors I mentioned above factor in. His age of course, I think sleeping more comes after a certain age. His comorbidities - he has a lot of them - though honestly the ones he has don't really contribute to him being in the bed all day - at least that we can tell. That's a choice - plenty of people have the same ones and don't stay in the bed all day.
Depression - I think that plays a factor for him for sure. He is on an anti-depressant. And I think a lot of it has to do with reminiscing about lost youth - or maybe for him wasted youth.
Motivation is certainly a factor - he has zero motivation to get out of bed - those are his words.
And then the last factor - past history. He has gotten used to staying up nights and sleeping days. And in his words - he doesn't get a lot of sleep - so then there are days he sleeps A LOT because he didn't sleep the night before. In other words - he has gotten to where he doesn't feel like the daytime sleep counts I guess - so he will say he didn't sleep well the night before - because he didn't go to bed until say 3 am, and then he will sleep until like noon - so THAT would be fairly reasonable amount of time - but THEN he will say he barely slept the night before (because he didn't go to sleep until 3am) so he will say he needs a nap and go back to bed after he eats something and sleep another few hours. Either he hasn't made the connection that he can't sleep at night because he sleeps all day - or chooses not to. Or he just needs more sleep now.
But the big question as to whether this is normal or not - is this abrupt and new behavior? Or has this been happening for a long time? Have you talked to the doctor about it?
"Why would I do it for myself when they can do it for me?"
Oh, I don't think so.
I've been a caregiver for more elderly people than I can even name and many of them had this very same mentality. They expected to be waited upon hand and foot, and to be babied to no end.
Did they ever get a baptism of fire from me. I do not serve, I help. I do not baby or coddle. I care and respect. I won't treat a grown adult like they are a child, but will give somebody a hug if they need one. I won't tolerate entitled senior brat behavior, orneriness, or disrespect, but I'll listen with kindness if someone needs to talk, within reason though.
I think your FIL needs a baptism of fire. Start with making him get up to eat. If he refuses to come to the table but is still able to, he gets nothing.
If he lives in your home, make it a rule that everyone is up and out of bed by a certain hour. No exceptions unless someone is sick or worked late. No one is going to be laying around in bed all day expecting to be waited upon in your house.
As for when you take FIL out and his behavior being almost obnoxious with strangers. It's almost, it is. When he lies to strangers about you keeping him hostage, just tell them he has dementia and is lying. If he can't keep his behavior in check anymore, stop taking him out.
If the behavior changed are not gradual but are abrupt, then of course the person should see their doctor. Sometimes dementia can happen very fast. When it does, that is when a family should start looking into placement because the person will decline to invalid very fast.
You say he is a "difficult man" who "thrives on drama" and yet you have either taken him into your home or moved into his?
You say you are "sick and tired of waiting on him hand and foot" but you do it?
I am only trying to tell you that you are a full 50% in this current "partnership". You don't want to be his "mother" or his "minion" or his "slave", but you are acting as one.
I agree with Need. Our elders eat very little. Setting out a feast is a waste of time and energy.
I wish you the best. I don't know how long you have been doing this care, but if not long, you will adapt and adjust and learn to set boundaries. If a long long time then you may need a bit of counseling to learn to drop old habits and get pointers to save your time and energy. I wish you the best.
There are plenty of senior living options out there for him, none of which include a personal butler in the cost of the rent.
Shape up or ship out, dad, its that simple. And he can save his sulking and tantrums for somebody who cares to hear it. Cuz you have had ENOUGH now.
The old boy likely has dementia going on, or has honed manipulation into a fine art.
You are a minion or slave..to your father. So stop.
You've taken over all his responsibilities, so of course he stays in bed all day. You've made his existence very comfortable and undemanding, so he's developed learned helplessness.
It's time to give him jobs around the house, make him feel needed, and give yourself a break once in a while. Make him a list of chores you need done, and hand it to him. You're going to have to retrain him to be an adult.
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