It's time for memory care. How have you made the move pleasant?

I discussed with Mom how she was unable to live at home now, that she needed 24 hour care, and we were going to look into a "rehab" facility for her (Never say the words "nursing home".) We toured the facility, including the room she would have, and had lunch there. She was very impressed - it was actually the nicest place she's ever lived! We moved as much of her furniture in as we could and we visited often (She has 7 kids so someone was always going by.). I went to her church service and had lunch with her every Sunday. She was very happy there and it helped they had an in-house beauty salon. I think the key is to prepare them. Oh, she did get rehab there but eventually transitioned out of PT.

When it came time for my mom to go into memory care, I told her we were going for a drive. I had packed some clothes thinking it was just going to be for a couple of weeks for respite for me and my dad. My dad had open heart surgery and I was taking care of him/them since he was her main caregiver. She never could remember why I was there all the time or why dad couldn't get out of bed for long. When I would tell her, she would say "WELL, I KNOW THAT!" Then she would turn to him and say "come on now, take me to get something to eat". The last straw was when I saw her try to hit him because he wouldn't get up. She would have never ever done that in her right mind. Sooo, I found a place that had respite care. The day I took her was AWFUL!! I took her into this pretty room with her clothes and explained that she was going to stay there for a while because she was having some trouble and we all needed some rest. Mad? Furious? Pissed....yeah, that's it. My mom was the sweetest woman on this planet but things came out of her mouth that I didn't know she knew. I had to look some of the words up! :)) Anyway, the facility was wonderfully caring and knew how to handle this. The experts there told me not to come back for at least 2 weeks to let her calm down and to get acclimated. I would call everyday to see how she was doing. Amazing....every time they would tell me they had her "working" in the office (since she had worked all her life). That first visit back to see her I almost threw up in the parking lot I was so nervous that she would be mad and throw a fit. Totally opposite.....yes, she said she wanted to leave but it was more in passing. We mostly talked about how busy she was in the office. There were up and down visits but it was the right decision even though it was so hard to do it to her that way. It ended up being 7 years that she was there. All you can do is do your best. If it's time she goes, then she does. You know your mom, how far along she is. Just be ready for anything. I know there is a lot of good advice on this site for you. You will find the right place, time, and way to do it. Good luck and may God Bless you.

You might want to say a white lie and say you are going on vacation or whatever and temporarily she will be staying in a hotel. Have everything ready and the day you move her, take her to lunch and tell her you want her to meet the friends. Don't give any more information unless you want a battle and a guilt trip. And bring someone with you to help you handle her. Then leave and there she is and now you will have some peace

I find it horrifying that if I were in a situation in which I was no longer able to evaluate “reality” some well intentioned loved one would burden me with the crush of some painful and inescapable “truth”.
I will be sure that those responsible for me, should I need them, will know that I prefer with all my heart to be placed in a cozy, bright residence and provided with whatever fictional accounts they can come up with that will brighten my outlook and spare me the misery they may be feeling from our separation.
“Truth” is meaningless to those who suffer dementia by caring for those whom we love who suffer it. Scrupulous reliance on “facts”? Equally meaningless.

Play the "fib" card from the deck and do not tell her as it will only upset her, e.g. "We"re going out for ice cream."

My mother hated the first move to independent living. We let her be involved totally, visit different places , she was there when the movers came . She fought and hated the place the entire time she lived there( til she moved, then she fought moving lol) Early vascular dementia at the time. Broken hip necessitated move to AL , weren’t sure at the time if it would be memory care or AL. While she was at rehab we took her to see it , she complained. Sorry we took her. Moved all her stuff and set up the apartment, she was still complaining but once she saw it she loved it.
I think part of it is just the stress of the move with dementia, seeing the movers take stuff in and out , boxes etc, the general hubbub then a different routine. The same reason I tell my mother the morning of a dr appointment rather than write it on her calendar. She just stresses more because she’s sure she missed the appointment and calls us 10 times a day lol
My mother still complains but she always complains. The facility she’s at has an identical floor plan for memory care to ease the adjustment once she goes there.

I agree that not telling her a ahead of time is the right call. We are facing the move to memory care for my mom, who has been in AL for 16 months. The nursing staff have suggested that she would do better in MC. Her short term memory is practically non existent now and she repeats questions constantly on a loop, which is beginning to annoy her friends there and they are starting to avoid her or become very impatient with her. So we are heading towards a move. I've been wondering how to handle it but after reading the comments, I agree - she won't remember the news even 2 minutes later, except that the anxiety will linger. Making the move with no forewarning sounds right, as does telling more and more white lies as we move along. Really, what she seems to want is reassurance that everything is okay and we've made the right decision.

3 Tips: One of the best things I did: I put a beautiful, large, bright pink "flower" on the outside of her door. When she gets turned around, scared, lost - that big pink flower seems to ground her.
Another great thing I did right when she moved in: I had large vinyl "stickers" made and placed them on all her cabinets/drawers. Silverware, plates, bowls, pajamas, socks, panties, towels, etc... Those stickers have helped her so much, One final tip: I purchased a programmable telephone. It has large buttons with the person's name. All my mother has to do is push the button with my name. (I'm the only one she calls, but all family members have a button.) As I think back, I was so scared for my mother. These small little things have helped her for 3 years now.

Best wishes with your mother's move

DrCarol56, what worked well for my then 95-year-old dad with late-stage Alzheimer's was that my wife and I prepared his room in memory care while he was at his daycare facility. Then I picked him up and, without offering any explanation then or previously, took him directly to the memory care facility . I ate dinner with him, spent the night with him, ate breakfast with him, and then left him in the middle of an activity he was enjoying with other residents. He thought we had gone to a nice hotel, like we'd done so many times previously, and quickly adapted to his new home.

      I visited him daily for the next 19 months before he died last month in my arms and he often said he wanted to go home, but home to him was his childhood home where he thought his mother and father still lived. In his last few months he often thought I was his dad and that probably helped keep him content.

      What worked well for my dad may or may not work as well for your mom. I know some facilities recommend that families stay away for a few days or weeks, but my dad's facility did not and I'm pretty sure that would not have worked as well for him. You should listen to advice from your mom's prospective facility, but you know your mom better than the facility and you should ultimately do what you think is best. Best wishes in this difficult process.

I told my mom it was temporary [she thought she was in rehab for her hands] & because she had no concept of time she didn't realize how long she had been there - very occationally she would ask when she was going home I would ask about how her physio on hand was going & I had 'props' like squeeze balls that I would hand her so we could do her exercises [lasted 15 seconds]- adjust to your own situation

As to your promise .... that was made to the person who used to inhabit your mom's body & that person is long gone so don't beat yourself up with guilt - rather make sure her last months are where she is safe & sound - she probably doesn't remember your promise which you made without truly knowing what her circumstances would be when she is 96 - hold your head high knowing you are doing your best for her

How you go about moving people into care depends on their level of cognitive ability and short term memory. People who are candidates for memory care usually have very little if any short term memory. Trying to explain such a move is a waste of time and will just cause unneeded stress for all.

My mom went to assisted living JUST TILL YOU GET BETTER. Dad who had much worse dementia: MOMS IN THE HOSPITAL. LETS GO HAVE LUNCH WITH HER. Dad moved in after lunch. Then mom asked OMG HOW MUCH DOES THIS PLACE COST!? DONT WORRY MOM. INSURANCE COVERS IT. It was almost $10K per month. Insurance covered nothing.

the point is, when dementia reaches a certain point there is no other way to keep loved ones safe , calm and cared for without fibbing. Mom died last year. Dad was there with her. He cried and grieved. Ten minutes later, WHERES YOUR MOTHER? I don’t want him to repeat his grief so, OH, MOMS IN THE DINING ROOM. WE’LL GO SEE HER LATER.

You tell people what they need to hear.

If your mom can understand the concept of moving to memory care and remember it the next day she is probably not ready for memory care. But that doesn’t sound like the case here.

We followed my MIL wishes of her always wanting to be home. We started her in adult day care 2 days a week for respite care. This worked great for 6 months. We had found a facility we liked and she was on the waiting list. MIL dementia was getting worse with her not wanting to be clean or sanitary. We knew she wouldn’t want to live like this.

Memory care unit had an opening and here was our plan. She loved her bedroom. Me and my sis in law picked her up for a girls day. Her children packed her bedroom. When they finished moving her belongings and set up her room. They called us. We took Mom to lunch at the facility everyone was there. She had a huge smile. After lunch we asked if she wanted a nap. We took her to her room. She sat in her chair. We asked what she thought..... she said “I’m home”. Not a dry eye in the room.

My mom has Alzheimers and still (after 4 years) tells me she hates the dump I put her in. It's a very nice retirement home.
When I'm not there she enjoys the activities and tells others how nice it is there. She complains to me about the food but usually has second helpings and ice cream, breakfast, lunch and supper.
It's very normal for the elderly to complain more to the people closest to them.
Lucky me!!

One important point : NEVER LIE to a person with dementia.
Tell her now, with you eyes in her, observe the réaction.
Then tell her the day before, and the day of the removal.
You might well discoure that she understoud what you told her but could not find the words, or, she handles indifferantly, this does not mean that she agrées you will find out for your self a few days later if she is lost, starts to crie or becomes agressive.
There is no rule except never lie to a person withndementia
Yves - Belgium

I am right in the middle of this mess of moving my mom who has Alzheimer's/ dementia a and thinks she only has a few memory issues and needs no help. House is a dangerous and cant live alone..Before hand, I had to get conservatorship which was a major pain and expense, but glad I have power of someone who is obstinate and stubborn.
We found the most wonderful AL..the staff is amazing..beautiful facility and siblings and I decided to use PT and OT with mom's back problems as a reason to go. She had been evaluated to stay in Reg AL and not their memory care area... but she doesn't even remember going to be evaluated.
After weeks and weeks of planning and orchestrating..my out of town siblings and I arranged for PT there and then I took her to her new room.. she went ballistic..hour and half of screaming, tantrums, etc..the staff and director had us exit and gave her a little something to calm down..and they were able to divert her. By Friday, they said she was most difficult person in AL they had seen. They are upping meds..the crazy thing is, my mom has said it the most beautiful and food great and staff so sweet..but she doesnt want to live there.. we are praying everyday she settles down and now scared they will kick her out ..we are stressed to max..she cant go back home..don't think they have a spot in memory care as of now. Someone told me one old person can kill 6..I believe it.

My mom set it up for herself by setting the house on fire, and being a hoarder.  It was a no brainer for me.  However, once she was regulated on her meds, the Memory Care people came to me and asked if I would be willing to try Assisted Living and see how that worked out.  It worked out for three years very well.  Then, she developed another UTI about a month ago, plotted/planned/executed an escape and is now back in Memory Care.  Her meds are under adjustment.  We are waiting to see how well she does about following the rules to see if she can go back to Assisted Living.  This is the third time to go to Memory Care.  She is considered "high functioning" so this will be a continuous problem for her and for me.  She does understand that she brought this on herself, so I think she is really more mad at herself than anyone else.

Depends how long she remembers things for - you say she knows you, husband and granddaughter but does she remember you/them if you are out of sight and mind for a day or two. I would not tell her she was moving, I would tell her she is going into somewhere for a while (whatever you think appropriate) because you are all going away on holiday. Phone into the home - not talk to her - and talk to staff every few days and see how she is settling and what she is talking about - play it by ear. If she settles then just keep the status quo but start popping in. Difficult but staff will be used to handling, and she will hopefully take to it as home in the "weeks you are away".

I'm not sure if the move can be pleasant if the person who is moving doesn't want to go. Also, if you tell her, will she remember? If not, it is just going to be torture for her over and over - like she's hearing it for the first time every time. I realized this with my Mom after she had no recollection of the family meeting we had about possibilities for her safety and future. My husband and I set up her AL apartment and I just brought her on move in day. This was not a memory care facility and she hated it. After several months of hell (and injury), she moved to a memory care facility and loves it - yay! This time, I made sure I had her favorite recliner there, pictures from home and other little things that made her feel comfortable. The staff is wonderful, they make sure she knows about all the activities that are going on and they encourage her to get out of her room often. She has made friends and feels like she fits in which makes a huge difference for her. I just found out that she told my cousin she knows she is not safe at home anymore and likes her new living arrangement much better than having people coming to the house all the time.

I can only speak about the place where my Mom is and don't know about other memory care facilities. But, when you are looking, see how the residents and staff interact with each other, and if the residents seem engaged and happy. It was important to me that the staff treated the residents with respect and like they are family. It was the only way it could be successful for my Mom. We were very fortunate to find a good fit after a rather rocky start. Best of luck to you - it is awful going through the transition but, hopefully, you too will have a success story to tell us soon.

I am new to this Forum, but have read many posts about "memory care" and it worries me, because it seems, sometimes, that concept is misunderstood.

Nobody moves to Memory Care, per se. They move to some type of a facility, and that facility advertises itself as having memory care; meaning that the "in-house" primary care physician and all nurses and aides have experience with dementia and Alzheimer's patients. Also meaning that they don't kick your loved one out for screaming or acting out for being verbally abusive. And, sorry......but the concept of 24 hour care if it is Assisted Living is probably not true. A lot of AL facilities don't even have call buttons. And, don't have in-room phones. Including the ones that are "memory care." I'm going to let more experienced posters weigh in on this, but my experience is that Assisted Living is if you cannot perform 3 ADLs, and, if you cannot perform most of the ADLs, you have needs that cannot be met by Assisted Living.

That said: Please bear with me, I want to help you, so this may be a long post.

If you can hold off for several weeks, or even 3 weeks, then start "un-cluttering" your mother's home environment in ways she will not even notice. Meaning that she won't notice what's missing, because you will leave "out" what she really uses.

Bathrooms? The countertop vanities and drawers and the cabinets underneath? Just remove or put hidden in a closet anything she does not use every day.

Clothes closet and clothing in bureau? Somehow divert her attention and go through her clothing and segregate it all. Have a section in the closet that is the most reachable for her, and only leave in that closet section, and in the bureau, what fits her and what she likes to wear and makes sense to take to her "new home." Hide the rest of it; take it to your house, tell her you are washing it, or whatever subterfuge you can come up with.

Most likely, her "new home" won't have much wall space to hang pictures or photos, but when you are there, meaning where she lives now, you can just subtly ask her, "Hey Mom, which pictures and framed photos are your favorites?" And....depending on space where she is moving to, that's what you bring.

Bed Linens and Towels: What sized bed will she have when she moves? As far as I know, most facilities have twin-sized beds -- long length. And, most people have at least a full sized bed at home. So.....you know your mother's decorative tastes, right? It took me going to 10 stores --- real stores ---online was impossible --- to find a twin-long-length comforter and sheets that my mother would like when she went in the nursing home, but I did it.....and it made a huge difference to her. I also brought several of her own bath towels, hand towels, etc. And, you can bring her own bed pillows, if she wants them. Even with a twin sized bed, you can have a king sized pillow. Crazy, right, but it's true! And, if she has a throw blanket/afghan, bring it.

Miscellaneous:

Get her 2-3 new pretty nightgowns, or pajamas, whatever she likes. And, a below the knee length (but not floor length) cotton or cotton/polyester bathrobe, zipper or snap type. You can get one at Walmart for about $16. Also, can get at Macy's for $50 to $100. Your choice. And....yes....this matters.....if your mother wants to wear a bra every day when she gets dressed, make sure her bras fit her. Many elderly women have bras from 10-30 years' ago.

If she is still wanting to put on make-up and face cream or wants to use special facial washing cream, and she will have her own private bathroom, get a 2-3 drawer plastic bin that has wheels on bottom, that can fit in the bathroom, and that's where you store all her personal beauty, cosmetic, shampoo, blow dryer, etc. supplies.

Okay. I will stop. If you want more "tips," let me know.

“Pleasant”? I’m not sure that’s even possible when moving a loved one into a facility. For me, it was a nerve-wracking process with my mother. She never graciously accepted anything that wasn’t her idea and this was no exception. I tried bringing her familiar things and quickly learned not to. She’d throw things away and once even threw her bedspread out her door.

Keep a positive attitude when you’re around your mom. Save the tears and doubts for later. I liked to bring my mom her favorites from McDonalds for lunch every week. It helped.

I think you will be more upset about this than your mother. I would not tell her as she will get upset by the news (briefly) and there's no reason to distress her. Take her to lunch there after you've moved her familiar things in. Then take her to her room and let her take a nap or read tv, whatever she normally does.

If you've made it look familiar, she may not even notice. If she questions you, you tell her that she needs to stay here until she gets better. That she will be going home soon. Now you and I know that she won't get better, but if she does get better, of course you would bring her home. And she will go home soon, all relative terms of course.

You can do this. Remember the 6 year old you were dreading dropping off as school who gleefully started playing with the other children? She's there.

bumping this up

Only you know how she would react to the idea of moving, if she is apt to obsess and worry then I wouldn't tell her until the last minute, and then I would probably tell her she is going for a visit or a holiday. One bit of advice I've read that seems brilliant to me is to arrange that someone else moves her favorite things and sets them up in her new home (try to get as close as possible to the same arrangement as she had before) while you take her out for the day - go shopping, to the hair salon, restaurant or just for a drive - then take her to the memory care. Good luck.