Since setting "boundaries" for myself, reading many eldercare books, and posting/reading on this forum, I realize that my unhappy & controlling mother in an assisted living facility will never be happy again. She's calling our phones (goes to voicemail), threatening to not take her medications, & wanting her living will to be utilized so she can die (doesn't understand what LW truly is). I hear again ALL the bad things about me & her AL place that she's been saying for 2 years. It's a broken record & I've tried it all! She's asked to go to an Internal Medicine dr, so it's coming up in 3 weeks. Now, she's saying cancel appointments, not taking meds, and requesting to die. These are ALL reactionary stabs at me because she wants out of this assisted living place (nice place) & move out on her own (impossible). She's threatening to get her church involved in this & still threatening to hire a lawyer! This manipulative behavior is her way of gaining control of a life that hasn't been happy, loving, or positive in decades. She's almost 89, hasn't been officially diagnosed with dementia, & is refusing any type of depression/anxiety medication except low dose of Xanax at night. The NP knows she's just uncooperative & says unfortunately, this is all she can do.
I know she needs a psych evaluation. How do I get her this without taking her myself (she'll be kicking & screaming)? Could the AL facility & NP make this happen? My presence as her durable power of attorney would only make this worse for her. She despises me, hits me, curses me, & blames me for all her ills.
Is there an agency I can see for guidance?
You guys have been awesome & gotten me this far. I truly appreciate every piece of advice!
I seem to recall that the NP said at one point something like "you can't fix ugly" or something like that...am I recalling that correctly?
If so, it seems like she doesn't see your mother as a suffering soul, which is what somewhat with longstanding mental illness/personality disorder is.
If you mother is threatening suicide, I think that you are within your rights as POA to request that she be taken via ambulance for an involuntary psychiatric admission. You do not have to go along for that ride.
((((hugs))))))
As for suicide, ALF has not heard her say the suicide words, but they have spoken to her about them. She doesn't deny saying them, but says she wouldn't do anything because her future is in the Lord's hands. She speaks religiously often to them. I have sent several voice messages to ALF admin/nurse with mom referencing suicide..."I just need to take a gun to my head". Once they had a healthcare nurse visit for a few weeks. So, we know & they know but it remains as a dark cloud over us. I requested that the NP get us a neuro vist (taking the "crazy" out for my mom thinking it's for anxiety), but that office hasn't called. NP says they for some reason aren't accepting her. But, now, she's saying cancel all appointments! It's difficult to know if we're on or off. Today I canceled her cardio appointment. as long as we have meds coming in, she can go annually. Who knows if she's taking the meds now or not?
Do I just need to just tell them to come & get her & do a 3-day psych evaluation without a referral? That sounds harsh but may give us answers as to what's going on. We probably already know! What can it change for her if she refuses meds?
Excellent advice to walk away. I could have saved myself many headaches if I had walked away more. I am learning to do it. I slip sometimes but it is certainly more peaceful to go into another room when the mayhem begins. They can't argue with themselves.
I've been my MIL caregiver for 7.5 years. At some point, Hubby and I started calling her bluff. We assured her that she was in charge of her life. MIL also wanted to quit meds, die, move, all at the same time. We told her it was her right to refuse meds and if she was ready "to go"(die), we supported her and understood. We also told her to call her sister and/or her daughter to make arrangements to move from then ALF/now NH. We told her she had our blessing to move. Nothing ever comes of these threats of moving/dying (darn! LOL)
In addition to deleting the voicemails without listening to them as Daughterof1930 suggest, take away her power over you by not reacting when she starts ranting and raving. (It won't be easy.) I bet she never actually follows through and even if she does, the church and attorney would see it for what it is. When she sees she isn't getting a rise out of you, she'll give up--though it could take awhile.
I beg you to take care of yourself. I haven't until recently and regret it. I was a "helicopter caregiver" trying so hard to make her happy and make her world perfect. What a fool I was. It's impossible.
She's safe and well cared for in her ALF. If there is an emergency, they will be calling you. Take a step back and live your life. Nurture yourself today!
Good luck & Hugs.
Has she always been abusive? Well, then let her take on the responsibility of her threats herself. You do not have to put up with it.
Call around. I would contact her doctor, the police, and a social services to let them know she is threatening suicide—because that is essentially what she is doing. If you have it on voicemail, even better. Step away and let the authorities deal with it.
If she's always been this way, you have no reason to continue allowing it or to take *any* responsibility for her abuse. Block her on your cell phone or at least let your spouse listen to the voicemails before you do. If he tells you they are nasty, don't listen to them. Delete them. Same goes with letters or any other form of communication. If you have been dealing with this for life, that's been a lifetime too long. You deserve freedom and sanity.
She is trying to find the button that puts you back in your place.
Once you realize that it is manipulation pure and simple it is easier to deal with.
I play a game with my parents, I enforce boundaries and then I tell my husband what they will do. It never fails, they have to try to be in control and the center of the universe. I can laugh about it but I think I would like to spank them, that's what I would do if they were 3 pulling this crap.
Be strong and expect escalating pressure, contact the law for the suicide threats and learn to look beyond her tantrums. Hugs! It does get easier to deal with when you keep the boundaries enforced but it can be a wild ride to get there.
I think that I might just try to keep her as comfortable and content, in the facility, as long as possible. She might settle down if she feels her wishes about her healthcare are being honored. And, if she is still competent, it's her decision.
Like mmcmahons suggestion, cal, her bluff. Tell her if she keeps threatening suicide, she could be put in a lock down unit to be evaluated. I am not for a little threatening with certain personalities.
You are correct. Sometimes we have no other alternative but to call someone's bluff. Is it something that we like to do? Probably not, it's uncomfortable, but sometimes necessary.
My college age daughter's EX boyfriend did this to her. She saved his life but then in order to keep her own sanity and safety, she dumped him! Unfortunately, she had to go through the court system and get a restraining order because he not only stalked her but got physical with any new guy in her life after she broke up with him. She became really concerned when he attempted to buy a gun, murder, then suicide kept running through her mind.
Yes, people can use suicide to manipulate and do. This particular young man was so charming at first. Aren't all manipulators that way? That's how they bait people. When my daughter became acquainted with his family, it was evident that no boundaries were established by his parents. He was given everything that he desired and when my daughter did not bow to all of his wishes, he used suicide as a threat! So for all who preach setting boundaries, please keep preaching it! Follow through on those boundaries or you will become a hostage of chaos.
Do we all slip at times and give in to our parents? I know I have. I have to fight to gain a healthy perspective at times. Also, rely on others for a voice of reason, like from experienced people on this forum. Thanks to all who contribute to making this a wonderful and much needed resource. I am grateful.
The actual evaluation was done at the AL.
I stewed briefly about thinking this could be unfair to her, but it turned out that it was the best tool to get her the care, management, and treatment she needed.
Thecost of the evaluation was charged to her Medicare and the balancecame from her own funds.
I needed to respond to an email from her NP. So, since it's Saturday and she's difficult to reach, I included a request for a psych evaluation. I used my heartfelt reasoning and many of your words. I pray she can make this happen for the good of all.
You're a dear for speaking the right motivational words. Cannot thank you enough, Ann.
I know she isn’t terminal but at 89 she is near the end.
If you are not a reader just google the five questions and Atuls name. He has several interviews etc online.
Change the dynamics of your relationship with mom. It takes both of you to stay engaged in the power struggles etc. This information elevates the conversation. If she’s nasty when you ask about the perfect day, just tuck it away and move on. Come back to it another day.
It’s a work in progress deciphering the brain and it’s many mysteries.
And, off and on, throughout the years, but especially now, she says. "I just need to put a gun to my head," She had a brother do that after his health failed.
I've jumped hoops to try & get her dr requests made for her to pitch fits & refuse to go. So, at this point, I'll cancel.
Eearlier I removed her sharp knife from her room when she was not looking. The facility had someone come and talk to her a few times. She insists she is not suicidal, but she throws around these ideas, perhaps because she is unhappy with the world?
She’s using you as entertainment I feel you need to stop being responsible for her and stop saying “How high?” when she says jump. I bet there is a girl inside you just busting to say NO!!
Since she has CHF, we visit the hospital a couple times each year. I've already instructed ALF to transport her by ambulance the next time. At first, I thought this isn't Christ-like, but I've had enough. She will be fine, after the embarrassment.
Sorry this is happening. For me, it screams Narcissism. You are allowed to choose to be mentally healthy. You are allowed to disengage, report threats, enlist appropriate resources.
In recent reading on the Hemingway family, I saw many parallels to my own birth family, who I have very little contact with. While my family has been plagued with Narcissism and Flying Monkeys behavior, severe scapegoating targeted at yours truly, there is also the underlying mental illness, bipolar disorder, BPD, depression, afflicting my family. Several relatives were successful suicides. Several more attempted and were unsuccessful. All threats of self harm must be taken seriously. Please put the necessary phone numbers into your phone, to be ready for the next threat. Responders will be able to pull together medical care for suicidal people quickly, once hospitals, doctors, clinics become involved. Let them do what they do. As one whose childhood was constantly upended by nocturnal parental fighting, including murder and suicide attempts, I didn’t know, as a child, that it wasn’t normal for Dad to destroy the family car in a suicide attempt, or mother to go after father with scissors in a murderous rage. It was accepted part of living, for phone calls to Crisis Hot Lines to bring teams to the house, for suicide prevention response. I suggest you be prepared, notify your best option for suicide threat, and back away, to protect you. You don’t deserve the emotional blackmail. There is so much more to life.
Bless you for ensuring your race. You must be an extremely strong lady. Thanks for sharing.
I have a question: Why isn't the facility taking the action and calling in a phych to evaluate her. The doctor has the right to do this and i am told that every facility has them on staff. I would request that if they didn't approach this matter than you should. don't talk to the nurses talk directly to the doctor.
Second, i agree with many of the caregivers responses. I would simply tell her she has the right to do what she wishes with her furture. If she choices not to take her medicine, call a lawyer, etc, that is her choice, but when it comes to you, her abuse physically and or mentally is your choice. I would state if you continue to abuse me in these manners i will not come and visit. I will continue to call and speak to the nurses on your health issues and behavior. I will do this because i love and care about you. This is your choice and you need to think it out well. Your family loves you but if you choice to push us away we will have no choice but to stay away. I hope you decide to have a loving healthy relationship with me as i would like with you. than i would say I have to go now , take care of yourself. and leave...............
I would keep in touch with the facility daily but stay away until you hear positive news from the nurses.
This puts the ball in her park now . Maybe staying away and being alone will clear her head, but if it doesn't i wouldn't step in her room until she grows up...............
good luck.....
It may be that she needs more social stemulation. My mother's MC has been excellent at making sure she stays engaged socially and mentally with a variety of activities. As she put it, "I have to go to bed early because if I don't get up for breakfast with the girls, I don't eat." I can see that if she had been placed in AL, she would have been very isolated and without routine in her daily life this would have exasperated her condition. MC makes sure she has daily routine, meds, and social experiences. Also, although she was still able to cook and personally care for herself, we were unaware at how stressed out she was by having to take care of her house, dog and personal self.. all of which had gone downhill in the past year. Just by not having the stress of it all, her mood and personality improved significantly.
Her favorite introduction when she calls is It's your mother. You better get over here. These people don't know what they're doing! YOU stuck me over here. I'm not going to stand for it. I'm glad YOUR daddy is not having to see how YOU'RE handling this and spending all his hard-earned money! Then, she proceeds with all my sins that she's twisted. I rarely recognize where these stories come from. According to her, I've always been a problem & we've never gotten along....really???
Then you are out of the picture and it now is between her and God!
By the way, a service of healing can take on many different aspects of a persons spiritual life.
It's an eye-opener to say I'm in a toxic relationship. I am a highly educated person but have let this take over so many facets of my life. Keep praying for me. I truly appreciate it!
Just wanted to thank you for posting about this issue. There were so many helpful answers given. Hope things do smooth out for you. Please keep us posted.
You are within your rights to just step away and send the occasional card. That would be an acknowledgement on your part that you can't make your mom happy. She's safe and cared for in AL; as far as I understand, you've fulfilled your responsibility as a dutiful daughter of a mother with lifelong mental illness.
See, she's competent. She is an adult with choices and agency- e.g., she is allowed to exercise her own powers of decision-making to say Yes, I will not take meds even if it endangers my life".
Uunless she's NOT competent. That really can only get determined through a thorough psych eval. How do you get That? You really need to talk to the NP about that.
If you are "asked" to take her, you say "No, I can't possibly do that; she's violent towards me."
If she needs to be transported in an ambulance, all the better.
If they threaten that "the state will take over her care" you say "yes, thank you, that would be a relief".
Thank you!!
Stick to what Barb wrote. If they ask you to take your mother the answer is "No". She is violent towards me. I cannot endanger myself, nor provide adequate care for her."
It is your mother's choice to take her meds or not . There is nothing you can do about that. Don't let her use it to manipulate you.
((((Hugs))))) I know it is hard but you can do it, and need to
She has walked this path; I have not.
All of you are a blessing to me.