Since setting "boundaries" for myself, reading many eldercare books, and posting/reading on this forum, I realize that my unhappy & controlling mother in an assisted living facility will never be happy again. She's calling our phones (goes to voicemail), threatening to not take her medications, & wanting her living will to be utilized so she can die (doesn't understand what LW truly is). I hear again ALL the bad things about me & her AL place that she's been saying for 2 years. It's a broken record & I've tried it all! She's asked to go to an Internal Medicine dr, so it's coming up in 3 weeks. Now, she's saying cancel appointments, not taking meds, and requesting to die. These are ALL reactionary stabs at me because she wants out of this assisted living place (nice place) & move out on her own (impossible). She's threatening to get her church involved in this & still threatening to hire a lawyer! This manipulative behavior is her way of gaining control of a life that hasn't been happy, loving, or positive in decades. She's almost 89, hasn't been officially diagnosed with dementia, & is refusing any type of depression/anxiety medication except low dose of Xanax at night. The NP knows she's just uncooperative & says unfortunately, this is all she can do.
I know she needs a psych evaluation. How do I get her this without taking her myself (she'll be kicking & screaming)? Could the AL facility & NP make this happen? My presence as her durable power of attorney would only make this worse for her. She despises me, hits me, curses me, & blames me for all her ills.
Is there an agency I can see for guidance?
You guys have been awesome & gotten me this far. I truly appreciate every piece of advice!
I know she isn’t terminal but at 89 she is near the end.
If you are not a reader just google the five questions and Atuls name. He has several interviews etc online.
Change the dynamics of your relationship with mom. It takes both of you to stay engaged in the power struggles etc. This information elevates the conversation. If she’s nasty when you ask about the perfect day, just tuck it away and move on. Come back to it another day.
It’s a work in progress deciphering the brain and it’s many mysteries.
The actual evaluation was done at the AL.
I stewed briefly about thinking this could be unfair to her, but it turned out that it was the best tool to get her the care, management, and treatment she needed.
Thecost of the evaluation was charged to her Medicare and the balancecame from her own funds.
I needed to respond to an email from her NP. So, since it's Saturday and she's difficult to reach, I included a request for a psych evaluation. I used my heartfelt reasoning and many of your words. I pray she can make this happen for the good of all.
You're a dear for speaking the right motivational words. Cannot thank you enough, Ann.
My college age daughter's EX boyfriend did this to her. She saved his life but then in order to keep her own sanity and safety, she dumped him! Unfortunately, she had to go through the court system and get a restraining order because he not only stalked her but got physical with any new guy in her life after she broke up with him. She became really concerned when he attempted to buy a gun, murder, then suicide kept running through her mind.
Yes, people can use suicide to manipulate and do. This particular young man was so charming at first. Aren't all manipulators that way? That's how they bait people. When my daughter became acquainted with his family, it was evident that no boundaries were established by his parents. He was given everything that he desired and when my daughter did not bow to all of his wishes, he used suicide as a threat! So for all who preach setting boundaries, please keep preaching it! Follow through on those boundaries or you will become a hostage of chaos.
Do we all slip at times and give in to our parents? I know I have. I have to fight to gain a healthy perspective at times. Also, rely on others for a voice of reason, like from experienced people on this forum. Thanks to all who contribute to making this a wonderful and much needed resource. I am grateful.
Like mmcmahons suggestion, cal, her bluff. Tell her if she keeps threatening suicide, she could be put in a lock down unit to be evaluated. I am not for a little threatening with certain personalities.
You are correct. Sometimes we have no other alternative but to call someone's bluff. Is it something that we like to do? Probably not, it's uncomfortable, but sometimes necessary.
I think that I might just try to keep her as comfortable and content, in the facility, as long as possible. She might settle down if she feels her wishes about her healthcare are being honored. And, if she is still competent, it's her decision.
She is trying to find the button that puts you back in your place.
Once you realize that it is manipulation pure and simple it is easier to deal with.
I play a game with my parents, I enforce boundaries and then I tell my husband what they will do. It never fails, they have to try to be in control and the center of the universe. I can laugh about it but I think I would like to spank them, that's what I would do if they were 3 pulling this crap.
Be strong and expect escalating pressure, contact the law for the suicide threats and learn to look beyond her tantrums. Hugs! It does get easier to deal with when you keep the boundaries enforced but it can be a wild ride to get there.
Has she always been abusive? Well, then let her take on the responsibility of her threats herself. You do not have to put up with it.
Call around. I would contact her doctor, the police, and a social services to let them know she is threatening suicide—because that is essentially what she is doing. If you have it on voicemail, even better. Step away and let the authorities deal with it.
If she's always been this way, you have no reason to continue allowing it or to take *any* responsibility for her abuse. Block her on your cell phone or at least let your spouse listen to the voicemails before you do. If he tells you they are nasty, don't listen to them. Delete them. Same goes with letters or any other form of communication. If you have been dealing with this for life, that's been a lifetime too long. You deserve freedom and sanity.
I've been my MIL caregiver for 7.5 years. At some point, Hubby and I started calling her bluff. We assured her that she was in charge of her life. MIL also wanted to quit meds, die, move, all at the same time. We told her it was her right to refuse meds and if she was ready "to go"(die), we supported her and understood. We also told her to call her sister and/or her daughter to make arrangements to move from then ALF/now NH. We told her she had our blessing to move. Nothing ever comes of these threats of moving/dying (darn! LOL)
In addition to deleting the voicemails without listening to them as Daughterof1930 suggest, take away her power over you by not reacting when she starts ranting and raving. (It won't be easy.) I bet she never actually follows through and even if she does, the church and attorney would see it for what it is. When she sees she isn't getting a rise out of you, she'll give up--though it could take awhile.
I beg you to take care of yourself. I haven't until recently and regret it. I was a "helicopter caregiver" trying so hard to make her happy and make her world perfect. What a fool I was. It's impossible.
She's safe and well cared for in her ALF. If there is an emergency, they will be calling you. Take a step back and live your life. Nurture yourself today!
Good luck & Hugs.
Excellent advice to walk away. I could have saved myself many headaches if I had walked away more. I am learning to do it. I slip sometimes but it is certainly more peaceful to go into another room when the mayhem begins. They can't argue with themselves.
I seem to recall that the NP said at one point something like "you can't fix ugly" or something like that...am I recalling that correctly?
If so, it seems like she doesn't see your mother as a suffering soul, which is what somewhat with longstanding mental illness/personality disorder is.
If you mother is threatening suicide, I think that you are within your rights as POA to request that she be taken via ambulance for an involuntary psychiatric admission. You do not have to go along for that ride.
((((hugs))))))
As for suicide, ALF has not heard her say the suicide words, but they have spoken to her about them. She doesn't deny saying them, but says she wouldn't do anything because her future is in the Lord's hands. She speaks religiously often to them. I have sent several voice messages to ALF admin/nurse with mom referencing suicide..."I just need to take a gun to my head". Once they had a healthcare nurse visit for a few weeks. So, we know & they know but it remains as a dark cloud over us. I requested that the NP get us a neuro vist (taking the "crazy" out for my mom thinking it's for anxiety), but that office hasn't called. NP says they for some reason aren't accepting her. But, now, she's saying cancel all appointments! It's difficult to know if we're on or off. Today I canceled her cardio appointment. as long as we have meds coming in, she can go annually. Who knows if she's taking the meds now or not?
Do I just need to just tell them to come & get her & do a 3-day psych evaluation without a referral? That sounds harsh but may give us answers as to what's going on. We probably already know! What can it change for her if she refuses meds?