I came to help my sister out for a couple of weeks and OMGOSH our Mom is a mess. She would rather stay in her room surrounded by the yarn, material, color books/crayons pencils pens, plus...she has a recliner that she sits in all day her stuff is as high as the arms of the chair on either side, she has a path to get out of. She will not allow anything to be touched, accuses everyone of stealing things she can't find. She questions the medication all the time and will refuse to take it. Her television is blaring, we don't have to raise our voices to speak to her and she speaks in a normal tone, hearing not a problem. Will wear the same clothes for a week or more at a time, at times will not bathe. She stares at my sister when she is in the same room with her (she stares at her with contempt) it is awful to see. At wits end in knowing what is the right thing to do.
- First of all, try to understand -and help your sister understand- the situation. Your mom’s mind is not acting normally as you can tell, call it the beginning stages of dementia or call it part of the aging process. The point is she feels she does not have control over herself, her life and her surroundings, therefore she is frustrated, suspicious and rebellious. It is most definitely nothing personal against you or your sister.
- The previous realization should help you to also understand that you cannot interact with her how you’d normally do it. For example, you shouldn’t engage in arguments with her to try to rationally convince her to take a bath or change her clothes or organize...deciding what to wear, when/if to shower, and keeping all her things in the same place gives her back a little bit of the control she feels has been lost. You trying to take any of that away will trigger a defensive reaction and will make her not trust you, which leads to being more suspicious about the meds.
- Make sure you’re clear as to what the priorities are. The number 1 priority is likely not that she organizes her space, but her taking her pills and eating is the priority. So, focus your efforts on what is worth it.
- Be kind, become more understanding, patient and make an effort to relate to her. That will open the window for a great relationship with your mom...even at this point!
small facilities in a regular home. I had never heard of such a thing but
found when I was trying to find what the "next step" should be with my
mom when she was on hospice. I found one close to where I live and
she moved there. When she went she would sit all day in her chair and watch tv and ring for service whenever she thought up something I should do. She told me every thing and every move to make. That was
good because I am not medically learned and she was a CNA. That was
also bad because I felt very incompetent. She would not speak lots of
times and just make motions what she wanted. She had to have help
being lifted onto the commode and back again. I was not strong enough
to lift her and she fell a lot. She could not feed herself a lot of times, she wore her nighty all day and night, could not wear shoes nor slippers, could not sign her name, nor hold a pen, she could not do hardly anything but sit. She did not want to go to a NH nor did she want a 24/7 caregiver, and I could not perform safely the care she needed.
She has been in the Personal Care Home 1 month and gets dressed and
wears shoes and socks and day clothes, walks with her walker, comes out to the living room, eats at the table & feeds herself, talks and can
sign her name.
My take is...there is a difference between a caregiver and a daughter.
I am glad to be the daughter again. All the health care people said I
was a great caregiver- but I was not getting good results. She was
declining. Now she is active, alive, doing stuff, and getting better- not
worse by the day.
I believe God answered our prayers and provided a wonderful care-giver
just at the right moment.
I think some of us should get together and help each other out. It costs
$3000 monthly for 1 resident but if 3 people work together and put
the residents together in 1 house and share the work, then we are not
doing it alone and the dynamics change. I know it won't work in every
situation, but I think it could be very beneficial. My mom's money will
probably run out and so I have been thinking about getting a CNA certificate so I can provide care for her and a couple more, and those caregivers can help and we can trade off and no one is on 24/7 and we
can break the cycle of deterioration going on. I do not know anything
about running a facility of course so it would take a lot of learning but
at this point a lot of us need a lot of help and I am trying to think how
we can work together to get more success for the rest like I found for
my mom.
Praying for you all to find the help you need.
I thought i was doing the best thing keeping her living with me, but i cant keep up because her care is becoming more indepth than before.
This entire ordeal is more difficult, demanding, and soul stripping than any outsider looking in cud even THINK they know or can fathomso the best thing i can think to tell you is do what you know you have to. You know what you can deal with and what you cant. At some point things have to become whats best FOR EVERYONE, not just the elderly (like the one walking around your house calling your spouse an asshole, or wishing he was dead)one needing care.
How your mother is now, more than likely, will NEVER CHANGE. THINGS only seem to progress toward worse.
In closing, a few fyi s for you, if you havent dealt with them yet.
Assisted living is outrageous in cost. Most facilitis take NO ins, charging several thousand dollars for pewney rooms, offers of what the facility does comes with an additional cost, EVERYTHING
ACT communities have "an entrance fee attatched, lowest quote i was given started at $100,000.00. I hope i dont sound hateful or uncaring. Its just unfortunitely, my mother has made me have to chose between her and my family, and old or not that kind of behavior and treatment makes me feel bullied, thats not good or fair to anyone.,
Hope this helped at least just a little? Take care of yourself, no one else will. Your peace of mind matters.
Also call doc about her bad moods. Depression can come out as anger at everyone and everything. Or it could be anxiety. Perhaps she had to give up her home/everything and is feeling helpless. Thats why the wanting total control over everthing.
I dont think any person should be holding the family hostage with their moods, uncooperation and contempt. It is just going to stress the caretaker out and cause them health problems that could turn serious. It is hard enough to care for someone who is thankful and cooperative. Let alone someone who will fight you tooth and nail about everything. Time to start making phone calls.
It is also a hazard for her and others if she is hoarding items. If she just started doing that, then that says she feels out of control. Its usually after a death or major loss of some sort. You will have to put your foot down and remove the items. She could trip and fall as well as someone trying to help her. It is,a,fire hazard as well as a physical one.
You didnt say if she had dementia issues?
No one should have to live that way, and it's time to make sure they don't. Your mother's needs are beyond what one person can navigate. You'll all be relieved when your mother is getting the care she needs and is safe and sound.
I wish you all the best.
I use also a pill crusher and mixed the med with other vitamins that my aunt takes (she only takes vitamins that she used to, doesn't want to take new meds).