Mother is taking more than what can fit in her independent living place. What do I do?

It sounds to me as though your mom, as a result of her strokes, may have some vascular dementia. It can rob one of the ability to reason well. Like, not be able to "see" that she won't need all 12 wine glasses, or that the furniture won't fit.

Yes, I would let the movers do the packing and the hauling away when she gets there. I would also get her to a geriatric psychiatrist for an evaluation of her overall mental condition. Her anger may be due to depression, anxiety, agitation, any and all of which may be improved with the correct meds.

I can understand it is hard for her to give up the things she has saved for and collected through the years. If she can afford a storage unit you might get her to agree to put all the extras there for the time being. If she desperately wants an item it can be retrieved, but out of sight will probably soon become out of mind and they can be disposed of later.

Let her pay the movers and they can deal with it.

gesteiger426, not long ago I moved my Dad into an Independent Living, and what I did was create a floor plan on graph paper... then I measured the furniture that my Dad wanted to take and cut out small pieces to represent the furniture... then I arranged it on the graph paper. Boy was I surprised what would fit and not fit.

I wanted to keep my parent's bedroom set all together but it wouldn't all fit in the bedroom at IL.... I was able to place my late Mom's dresser in the living room as a large accent piece which works very well. I wanted to take all of my Dad's bookcases and it did work, but one bookcase did wind up in the walk-in closet but it's great for storing laundry products, extra toilet paper, etc. I had Dad narrow down his books. The standard joke was he went through 200 books and kept 199 :P

cwillie had a great idea about renting a storage place for the furniture that won't fit. My Dad's IL has such rental storage areas in the basement of the building. So check with your Mom's facility.

Tell Mom she can't throw away furniture once she gets there, the facility won't do that, it's not their job, nor will the mover. My Dad is donating furniture and "stuff" so he can get a nice tax write-off :)

Yes, use a mover especially one that has a senior division, these guys are experienced with moving elders and understand there could be glitches with what furniture goes or not.

Been there! I was lucky in that my parents were only moving about 15 - 20 miles and we still had their house - which needed a lot of work to get ready to sell so we could store the extra there for a while. If your mother is anything like mine there will be no reasoning with her - she won't believe it until she sees it for herself. Since your mom can afford it, yes - hire movers, it will be worth it. Take the head mover aside and give him a heads up - it's likely they've dealt with something like this before. Have a storage unit already rented nearby to take the over-flow. If the movers handle the situation professionally and with tact - be prepared with a nice cash tip - from moms money. Where you might run into a problem is mom wanting to go to the storage unit frequently to visit her stuff and/or change things out, so be prepared with how often your willing to take her there and/or when it needs to stop. After a while as mom adjusts you can get rid of the stuff in storage - with or without her knowledge, you'll have to test the waters on that. My mom thought my brothers and I were giving her extra stuff to charity - but frankly, after all the family members took what they wanted - what was left ended up in a dumpster - sad, but my brothers weren't willing to make Goodwill runs and I had enough to do dealing with getting contractors to fix up the house and dealing with my parents adjusting to their new reality. As hard as this is for you - try to put yourself in your moms shoes. Moms entire life is being stripped away, reduced and moved. When in reality she probably just wishes things could have stayed as it was. In the end - you're lucky your able to get mom to move to a "retirement community" - so many parents won't go until after disaster has struck - and even then it's kicking and screaming.

gesteiger426, this probably won't work but worth a try... have the movers bring a small truck, thus Mom can't take everything with her. Then you can tell Mom that anything she needs you can bring items the next time you visit. I did that with Dad. Mainly he forgot about most of the stuff but it was like Christmas when I did bring a box of things for him to go through :)

My Dad wanted to bring a set of 1936 and a set of 1960 old encyclopedias, and I tried to talk him out of it. We went around and around on that. Then I realized Dad did have enough space on his bookcases for those heavy books, so why not, if it made him happy. Thank goodness he didn't want to bring his huge workbench and all the tools... whew.

I was pretty much on my own, too [no siblings/no children] but had moved enough times myself to be logistical about the process. It's enough stress to make you want to bang your head on the wall a few times... those of us on the forums have our pretend helmets, with extra padding, to wear :)

If your mom wasn't always negative and mean, then I might suspect something going one with her, possible a stroke or some kind of mental decline. I know that some people get disagreeable and difficult when that kind of thing is going on. I would be glad she is headed for Independent Living. There are some good ideas upthead about handling her insistence on overloading the apt. I hope some of them work out. I wouldn't be too surprised if she cannot be reasoned with though. Sometimes, it's just not possible. I'd try to not blame her though, since, it's likely not her fault.

Oh, I wanted to also add that depending on how much control I could have over the move, I would likely have someone take mother in advance to stay at a hotel and then I would be at her place to supervise what the movers took to the new location. They'd take what I thought was necessary and able to fit into her new place. The rest, I'd store for a while. Once her place was filled, she could see that the things were all that would fit, but you still say, the other stuff wouldn't fit on the truck for that trip and you'll have to reschedule another haul later on. That day may never come.

when it was time to move my mom I had her friend take her out to lunch. Then I had two autos- one to goodwill thrift store and one to the apartment.
Oh, and to the dump.
When she would ask about items I said they were put into storage.

Cwillie's storage idea is what worked for my mom. Mom thought she would get well and retrieve her treasured belongings. Storage is easier to accept than a Goodwill donation. Compassion is what is needed now.

I can totally relate. Went thru the same exact thing with my mom. It does also sound to me as though she is in some stage of vascular dementia too. My mom was verbally abusive to me, negative, hated everything about living with me my husband and son. She is now back in her independent/assisted living 1/1 650 sq ft apt. I told my mom that I would ship it to her later on after she was in and she now realizes it won't fit so I've been able to sell a lot of her stuff. So it was her idea to decide it wouldn't fit! Try to use a little phycology. It's tough though. Another option if she can afford the move, etc, what about a storage unit for a few months until she decides that's too much money? Hang in there. You will get through this as my family and I have.

When I moved mom, I had a similar problem. I stayed firm with "let's start with the basic furniture you need and then we can supplement with stuff from the house later" That worked, although in mom's case her obsession was her collectible figurines. She started with 25. When she started giving these away to staff, I knew the worst was ahead. We then had to move her to a dementia specific facility where everything I brought from home she eventually packed away or gave away. The only thing she will allow is her small dresser and her bed. I would come to visit and she had pulled pictures off the walls and wrapped figurines in toilet paper.

I too recently went through this...moved my mom to AL on May 5th. I knew she wanted to take everything....but bottom line was all the furniture wouldnt fit. I simply had to tell her...here is a list of the things that will fit in your new place. I told her we would store the rest of it for now, and if it turned out there was room for more, we would bring it over (knowing full well nothing else would actually fit). I have no siblings who can help, and am not married, so I understand your stress and exhaustion with all of it, believe me. Its all on me. I had to simply accept that she was going to be mad at me because there was no alternative. She has midstage alzheimers so the whole thing with the move and her behaviors is beyond trying. I just deal with whatever i have to each day...and now that she is moved, things are worse with her disease, as i expected it would be. Its a long process, and my advice is just to remind yourself all the time that some day things will settle down or at least get a little easier to deal with because we learn how to deal with our emotions a little better. I wish you well!

I wonder how many times during your childhood your mother may have felt the same way? Been there, done that. It is very hard but I think you will feel different when your mother is gone.Also remember,if we keep living we will most likely be there someday.Do the best you can and don't let it stress you any more than you can it seems no matter how many children there are it always falls on one child to do every thing. I do feel for you, and for your mother as well. I wish that I had known about this site when I was in need.See if she will agree to store it,if you can afford it.

Geststeiger I have just done a major suite of downsizing from moving into an already furnished 3 bedroom house with a one bedrooms flats worth of stuff to moving all of that into a 2 bedroom apartment so downsizing I understand in a big way. The problems you are facing are ingrained into your Mums psyche she will have lived through or seen the tail of the depression when every mouthful was fought for and nothing was discarded and she wont understand why she can't take them all - that the wont fit isn't reason enough.

We are lucky enough to have a garage but storage equates (except you have to pay for it!)

I spent many an afternoon dividing mums things into 5 piles.

The trash went out - anything broken torn chipped ripped went out (unless it had specific value like a torn photo that she cherished and a chipped mug that was her christening mug) So that pile was quite small because I had been doing that for a while without her knowledge

Donation of some sort to church charity.Now some stuff she would let go to the church jumble sale / donate to charity. Other stuff (like her 22 coats) she wouldn't part with one of them. Well that was like pulling hens teeth let me tell you

So then we divided the stuff that none could agree on into three piles

The I can't live without this on hand at all times pile

The I need this in case we have guests or I like this immensely pile and I certainly am not getting rid of any of it whatever you say

And finally the I want to keep this for no damned reason at all but I want to capisce?

When we got to a point where it wasn't going to fit in the apartment we got to the point where one of was going to shoot the other (and in the UK neither of us have guns just in case of concern) Battle lines were almost drawn. Then I decided on a different tack.

OK mum this is not going to fit in, no way no how unless I sit a dresser or a wardrobe on top of your bed! What I suggest is we put it into storage - that way if ever you want it we can get it back out. I will bag it all up in vacuum bags and store it for you. That way you still have it if you need it and you can have just what you absolutely need in the apartment

Then I bought 3 collage picture frames which was like 15 picture frames all stuck together and I put all her important pictures into them which freed up loads of shelf space. I made her wardrobe (a full room width sliding door wardrobe) into a sort of storage locker whereby I could put her stuff into boxes and just stack them into the frame with one double set of hanging space to one side for her clothes shirts above skirts as it were and one tiny long hanging space for the tall stuff like the ironing board and her long coats and dresses (yes she wanted those!)

It was probably the most frustrating thing I ever had to do but three months on we are all still alive, she hasn't once asked for anything from the garage and is relatively content (as content as she ever would be) about what is near to her. I find having chests of drawers nearby and floating shelves means she can see and touch her treasures and while they have little or no meaning to us they will for her.

As for her behaviour, repeat after me it her age and her illness and repeat it as a mantra - it wont always work and I have to say my daughter and I have been known to walk out of the room and say to each other its her effing illness and her effing age then grin and smile. As for rudeness - don't engage - walk away and tell your lovely wife to do the same. Just stand and say I don't find that acceptable I am leaving now and go.

Going through this with my mom now..she wanted Everything! I talked her into selling some...donating some...still she kept more than would fit! So we had it moved to her very small two bedroom...I unpacked and placed everything that she really needed...and some pretty things...left her 6-7 boxes of knic Knacks..etc..and told her to go through them...but not to put out any more than she can comfortably clean once a week..because I have no spare time to do it. I already take her to dr apts etc...and wash her laundry and her laundry room there..then I told her whatever is in that second bedroom...won't fit in her new senior apartment when it becomes available ..so she will have to decide what is most dear to her..I think they can't understand you're not trying to take their stuff out of meanness ..but it is in fact reality! It can really lay a quilt trip on you..if you let it...sometimes you just have to let them see for themselves! Stress..big time..I questions my sanity daily..no help from any other family members..so prayers for your Sanity! And hugs!

ive had to move my mom twice and deal with her belongongs. First, in with me and we sold alot of her stuff in a yard sell, which she later accused me of doing against her will. Never mind that the money went to pay her expenses and I payed off her debt. Recently, I had to move her to assisted living where she could only take a few of her belongings. We struggled with that as well, but I just stayed focused on moving what she was essential and a few of her favorite knick nacks. It has been a struggle, but you have to stay firm. I am now in the process of packing up the rest of her stuff for storage, which is has been hard on me emotionally. We are a culture that has a lot of stuff and its hard to deal with it, but stay firm and just don't let her run you. Stay in charge.

I agree...hire someone to do it. I feel your frustration and have a mom 400 miles away living independently with vascular dementia. I pay a trusted neighbor of hers to check in and assist when needed. If folks have enough funds, I say save your sanity not their money. That's my plan.

There are companies that specialize in moving "seniors" to smaller accommodations. I'm looking for one right now to sort through stuff, move what I need, sell what has value, give away what doesn't, and haul the rest to the dump. They make floor plans of the next residence and use little bits of paper to show how the furniture will fit. They're not cheap, but a friend who used one said they were "worth every penny." Getting a third party in to deal with her would bypass the family dynamic. Google "senior movers" with your location. And good luck.

You don't say whether your mother's house is paid off. If your mother's house is paid off then go ahead and move the bedroom set and some living room items to the new place. Leave the rest at the house. Let her see how small it is I have a funny feeling that your mom may even balk at the idea of living at a independent place. I hope not because you certainly need a break. I think perhaps you've had too much time to take care of your mom oh, not too much time but too much experience and you need to break away from that. I know that sounds harsh but I think perhaps you need to give it a break for a while because this is really hurting you. As one person suggested a storage locker is a wonderful advice.

I gave up my house (4 bed/4 bath; three car garage) and some things to move into a 2 bed/2bath IL cooperative; the abbreviation COOP is accurate. I don't want my dad to live alone, but a huge house with yard and care for my dad become too much for me. It's the toughest move I've made in my life. Suddenly you're done building your life and into a tear-down phase. It's hard and underneath whatever other problems your mom has it's hard for her, too. I worked a chart with furniture placement for about two months before I had everything in I wanted to keep. My rule was keeping without additional storage. My apartment not only fits more than anyone expected, it has several seating areas and a dining area which almost resemble any normal apartment. I even have an office area in the kitchen. As to the 12 wine glasses, these mean more than 12 wine glasses. I kept my vitrine to house the crystal my mom left me. It took a lot of imagination and some wrestling with the movers who tried to tell me what to take and were unhappy about putting it all in a small space, but it's done. Cut your mom some slack. It's a major life event for her (and you). In the last two years I've downsized several times, clothes, books, deco items as I've learned to live in the apartment. If someone had tried to force me into those decisions when I moved I'd have been most unhappy with them. Time in the space will decide what needs keeping and what doesn't and help create the will to part with some things.

It sounds to me like if she's not willing to downsize her belongings, then she's not really ready to move to a smaller place. What I would do is either get her a storage unit and keep up the payments or just leave her where she currently is and hire an in home health care aid. If she's going to keep all of that stuff and she definitely needs a big enough place to keep it.

* Not everyone will fall for the tricks and lies of false promises because some people are on to that kind of stuff and are too smart to fall for it. Anytime you try to go against someone's freedom and independence, of course there's going to be a fight I don't blame them! I would say let the person go with you to put extra stuff in storage if the move is absolutely necessary, and let them keep the key. I don't condone taking things away from anyone regardless of their age, especially the elderly. This is why I support honesty and going to great lengths to make sure the person's wishes are carried out. If they can't be carried out, then I personally wouldn't even move the person since taking/stealing/disposing of their stuff without their knowledge or permission would go against my faith, morals and values. A stroke doesn't necessarily mean loss of freedom and independence, I know someone who had multiple strokes and she still lives at home, and she's doing very well. She actually lives with her family, this might be an option. If not, in-home healthcare would definitely be better in this situation. That way, she can stay where she is and still keep all of her stuff that she really likes. Remember, she's in her golden years and you want her to be as happy and comfortable as possible. After all, it is her life and she's the one who must live it.

Have Mom pay movers. Do not have your mother witness the move day activities first hand. Storage for all items that won't fit into her 1/1 apartment. NeuroPsych evaluation. Let your wife excuse herself from this abusive relationship. Take care of yourself with rest & relaxation because your mother needs your support for the long haul. Set boundaries and stick to them and take comfort in knowing you are doing all that any loving son can to make this difficult time in her life as pleasant as possible. Your mother's adjustment to Assisted Living will take time but eventually the stress level will diminish.

gesteiger426 - we went through this moving my 93 year old mother to AL last August so you have my utter and complete empathy. THIS IS HARD on multiple levels - your mother's, yours and any extended family that may be "hands on" involved. My mother suffers from moderate dementia and was moving from a one bedroom apartment to an efficiency in AL so she didn't have as much as your mother but still too much in the downsizing. She no longer needed her beloved glass top table and comfy dining chairs and still obsesses about where they went (they were donated to a needy church family) so I just tell her they went to a good home. And, like you, my husband and I are also downsizing from a 5 bedroom large house to a 3 bedroom over 55 community in a couple of months. Having to figure out what we need to part with, donate and/or dispose of has been all consuming so it's no wonder you feel like your grip on sanity is slipping. All I can tell you is it will get better - not perfect, but better - over time and the other posters suggestions about trying to understand the loss of possessions along with all of the other losses involved in this process will help you gain perspective. Hugs for trying to do right by your mother and all best wishes on your own upcoming move!

PhoenixDaughter - I had to smile when I read "22 coats". Seven years ago my family moved from the house I had lived in for 20 years. I knew it was time to really cut back my wardrobe - I had "retired" eight years earlier and never wore any of my "professional" stuff anymore. Well, - over a dozen pair of black slacks and almost as many black blazers- a no, black wasn't a required job uniform. Cotton, linen, wool, silk, rayon, blends - cuffed, straight leg, flared leg, pockets, no pockets, - pleated, flat front, side zip, back zip. Size 6 through size 16 and every size in between. I honestly had no idea I had accumulated so many! Even when we moved I kept a "variety" for "just in case". Know how many times I've worn any of them since then? That's right - not once! How does this happen? Guess it's time to sort my wardrobe again!

I just thought of something that could easily happen. What if this person happens to visit the local goodwills or other thrift shops and she sees her stuff on the shelves? Yes, you know exactly what I mean! She could actually alert the shopkeepers and report that stuff stolen when really it was if it was taken away from her without her knowledge or permission. You never know when the seniors could take trips on local transit or other transportation and happen to enter the door to some of these shops or even the flea markets and recognize their stuff that happens to show up at some of these sales. I personally I just don't think it's right to take away stuff from our elders if they're not willing to part with it. If they say no, then no means no and that's that. Anything beyond that that goes against their wishes is wrong. However, I greatly with someone who mentioned letting them make their own decisions when everything is put into storage, let the person come to the decision on their own and be willing to support whatever they decide. Having storage is advantageous because you could swap out stuff every so often. Storage may be expensive, but it's probably nothing like having to rent an apartment because apartments are more expensive if you think about it. Having to pay for storage is advantageous because all of your stuff is in storage as long as it's a proper storage unit where mice and bugs and such can't damage your valuables. It's advantageous to have all of your extra stuff in an overflow building because you're actually saving money by not having to go out and spend money replacing all of that. But you may actually end up using later (depending on what it is). Since this is a three bedroom house, I personally would not move her and I would cancel the move since she's not willing to downsize her belongings. As for the verbal abuse, what I personally would do is just turn around and leave as soon as she starts. I wouldn't just step outside the door, I would get in my car and just go home or wherever it was I was headed originally. Putting myself in this situation as an abuse survivor myself, I'm one of those kinds of people who just won't put up with any kind of abuse from anyone. If someone was being abusive toward me, I would turn and leave because I've had to do it before multiple times. There often comes a time when the abusive person gets the hint and realizes that you're not going to put up with it. Some of them may change through realization when they realize how much of a backbone you really have to turn on a dime and leave. You don't have to put up with the abuse, just do what I had to do and just turn and leave as soon as the person starts. Through this you may come to a point where you yourself may decide to stop helping this person for the sake of your sanity. Sometimes it's better than hanging around and putting up with the abuse.

How I would handle this particular situation is give her the ultimatum:

If she's going to be abusive, then you're just not going to help her. If she's not willing to downsize then she's not willing to move because the apartments are much smaller than she has, and the apartments just want to hold everything she has. Either she downsizes her belongings or she can't move to a smaller place.

Thirst personal reasons why people go kicking and screaming to, and this can be an opportunity to realize that maybe where they're going is just not right for them or they're just not completely ready for it. This might be a hit that where you're taking the person may not be a smart move just yet. The person's wishes may be desired home, and if this is possible then society has been somehow accommodating for that if you haven't noticed. Back in the real old days people used to live even their golden years at home up to the time they died, and they stay busy. If you would call history, people use to stay busy on farms because they'd stay productive. This is what often keeps your mind sharp. Eating a healthy diet also helps keep the mind sharp and the body well. I think many people know deep down that being forced into a place when they're really not ready goes against what was originally natural, and that's staying home. Of course it's not always possible in all cases, but it is possible in so many cases, which is why so many people go kicking and screaming and I don't blame them in certain cases. You may just as well put yourself in the situation mentally because we will all one day enter our golden years. This is why we must plan ahead now while we have a chance to make those decisions. We must set things in place so that our wishes are carried out later. We're all getting older, and we never know when we may one day need other people around us. We will reach that stage one day, and we ourselves must mentally put ourselves in the shoes of others to be able to better understand what others are going through so that we ourselves can make it better for us when our time comes

Rent a large storage building near her assisted living. Let her pack and take it all.Instruct the movers to fit what will fit, label must have items in a certain color and items that can go to storage in another color.
Send it all. Don't worry about it. If she can pay for assisted living she can pay for storage too. Everything will be available to her if she needs/wants it, but it is not likely she will. She is just not ready to part with it yet......m
Give yourself a break. There is no point in arguing with her. She will tire and stress you too much.
When my Mom sold her house and moved ( after 3 stokes) she wasn't able to pack one single thing. She couldn't make any decisions and the process of selling her home and moving was too stressful on her. She wanted to take things like a large basket of cleaning cloths and rags, I threw some of the rags in the garbage after arguing about how many dozen cleaning rags she needed in an apartment. She went over and took them out of the garbage and packed them anyway.
It was too stressful for all of us. I wish I had just packed it all and not worried about it.
Bless you for being there for Mom. Don't be afraid to lay it on the line about how she speaks to your wife. Let her know in no uncertain terms that you will not accept her speaking to your wife that way and if she continues she has seen the last of you!.
Remind her frequently if she forgets that " if you don't have something good to say don't say anything at all"
Best of luck to you!

Continuation due to limited space

If you would not want to go kicking and screaming and having people overriding your wishes, then you should come up with creative ideas to make things work as good as possible so that everyone's happy and everyone wins. You may not realize this, but forcing someone into a situation can also be detrimental if it's not necessary because that can stay with them to the day they die. You may also not realize this either, but it can also affect them spiritually. Stress does very nasty things to people physically, mentally, and yes, even spiritually. You want to make a very careful and educated review of the situation and all possible and very creative solutions before having to actually put someone into a nursing home or other facility because that kind of decision may not necessarily be necessary. I know it is in some cases, but not necessarily all.

My friend did this. We just let her take what she wanted. It didn't take long after the move before she began to rid herself of the excess. It's not really worth the battle to argue about it.

I know alot of people have given you "good" advice already, but I wanted to throw mine in as well. My mother had a large 2 story, 4 bedroom home and had so many antiques and clothes as she was an interior designer and fashion enthusiast. After selling the house, she came to live with us. We stored everything in our basement and garage, and also the garage of our cottge. We gave her the sunroom to live in. When she needed to go to a memory care unit, my brother took her for the day (out to eat, some of her favorite places, etc.) while my sister and I packed 2 vans of clothing and furniture and then arranged her new room. She did not know ahead of time as she most likely would have wanted to bring too many things, refuse to go, etc. It worked out great (at the time I did not think it would since my mother loves all of her things around her). We took only 2 pictures for the wall, a small table with 2 chairs, 2 larger chairs and an ottoman, and a few lamps; the facility had a bed and dresser. We packed very limited clothing. My mother has dementia and paranoia and she thinks people take things from her so it is also best that she have fewer things. I don't let my mother come to my home in the case that she will ask to see her things and want to bring more with her. Within the past 1.5 years I was able to sort through her things and re-organize them. I donated her clothes and other items that none of her 5 children and 25 grandchildren would ever want; and ear-marked items for all of these relatives and also her best friends.

I realize that this is a very stressful time for you and you are handling it all alone. Just keep at it, take time for yourself, and continue on. Your mother will be relocated soon and things will be better. Good luck!