Mother is taking more than what can fit in her independent living place. What do I do?

You are unfortunately at the point where you need to run the ship instead of Mom. She is not going to be logical. Once you get it in the box she'll forget what it is. So put some boxes in storage for a year. You will 'check with the movers' to see if they 'misplaced your stuff' and you'll get right back to her on their answer. Don't keep one or two out for memory purposes, it'll just remind her to nag on you about the other ten of them. Good luck.

gesteiger426, I hope you have found some answers for your question. It will get easier. You have a lot going on. Keep us posted and good luck with your move as well.

I have no words of wisdom, but have great sympathy and have been thru' the same thing. We had to move Mom from a 3/2 to a 1/1 and she has complained for 4 1/2 years about the things that we got rid of. We're now going to have to move her to a studio in assisted living, and are going thru' it all over again. I want to write a blog to myself to read when I'm older to help ensure that I don't do this to my kids when I'm older. My heart is with you. I, too, don't know how to cope with her changing communication style -- and I have a PhD in Communication! :(

If your mom has vascular dementia, there is NO reasoning with her. I had to move my mom 3 times, and her belongings were downsized each time. You are going to have to start doing some serious decision-making - and don't look back. Figure out what will fit in her new residence and where it will go and have it in place before she moves in. My heart goes out to you with all that you're going through emotionally. Please find a caregiver's support group. It's important to be able to talk with others and share ideas and ways to cope. One more thing - do you have a POA and other legal documents in place? Peace be with you on this journey.

Hi - I got so much out of the responses, thanks everyone. Hope they help, "ge." Everyone is certainly touched by what your wife is going through, as well. I'd look for a time when there's not something terribly important going on, she is rude to your wife, and you both walk out and say "We'll be back another time, we don't let anyone talk to us that way." Dimentia or no, you can still do a little pushing back and I think after 1-2 times you won't have nearly the difficulty. Interrupt some of the harsher dynamics now, so you don't build up too much resentment instead. So sorry to hear how stressful this is - be well, and keep up the great work. :)

I told mom we were putting some in our attic, some to family.. she was ok with that.and she can still see the items occasionally

Hey 1Rarefind! I would like to be your mother, but I'm not so sure I would want to be your child! I salute you for your principles and compassion. You truly respect the rights of others.

Please don't tell us that your way is the only way, though! When dealing with a demented person, I can't let him make all his own decisions. I have to do things behind his back. I am letting him keep his 43 software engineering textbooks (for now) even though he can no longer access his own email. But I plan to sneak them out of their prime shelf space a few at a time, and replace them with his 600 CD's, which he actually still plays with.

I can be completely honest with him, and leave him in an agitated rage, or I can lie by omission and improve our life and keep him content.

I don't say your methods are wrong. Please don't condemn me for doing the best job I can, even if it involves some deception and white lies.

Oh Boy! I can hear all your frustration and while I don't have a lot to add, I think cwillie.....first reply.....had the best idea. We oldsters have a hard time getting rid of all of our memories. My kids (3) have already told me they want nothing and that hurts...however, that's the way it is! DH is a sentimentalist and saves everything so if he goes before I do, a large dumpster will be visiting our place. and at this point, a lot of my stuff will go into it too.....somehow moving into an assisted living apt. is not the same as a house! no matter the size. There are a lot of good answers here....take heart....there are also a lot of good people with lots of experience......lean on your Mother's doctors......they should have some advice for you too.

In my opinion, she should take whatever she wants. When she sees it doesn't fit, maybe then she'll give it away or toss it out or donate it. We did the graph paper thing too and that was a huge help. Sometimes you have to see it to believe it! Best of luck. Been there, done that!

I'm SO sorry you are having this stressful time and very sorry that Mom is so abusive to your wife. Pls follow the good advice above, even if it means your wife is not as involved as she might wish to be and as much as you might like her to be.

BY ALL MEANS -- NOW, FAST, BEFORE YOU PACK ANOTHER BOX -- Hire a professional packer (NOT the mover!) to pack Mom's things at her expense! I LOVE the suggestion of 5 piles (the number and designation of which you can modify to your family's needs) ALTHOUGH making these kinds of discriminating decisions may be too stressful for your Mom now. NOTE: And you may need to say "need later" rather than "storage"; Mom may be less hostile to PRIORITIZING.

And this is supremely important NO STORAGE or "Open Later" PLAN WILL WORK UNLESS YOU SORT/PACK AND LABEL BOXES TO STORE DIFFERENTLY THAN BOXES TO OPEN AT ONCE!!! The packer must be willing to PACK in accordance with such plan (and they will IF YOU INSIST); they charge by the hour so it's no skin off their nose if you want them pack more slowly and less efficiently than they are capable of packing.

Either with Mom's input (hopefully) or your judgment (or both where that works) pack things TOGETHER that are from the "same pile". And LABEL, LABEL, LABEL - top AND sides of boxes as otherwise MOVERS WILL STACK THEM IN ANY WAY THAT DOES NOT ALLOW YOU TO SEE WHAT INSIDE!!! (This is either an immutable law of the nature of movers or an 11th Commandment). So write on all 4 sides!

Maybe this is a job for your long-suffering wife, just to watch what goes in each box and be the scribe ON THE BOX. Color code the boxes (different sharpies for writing or some BIG stickers in different colors or with different color check marks) so that the movers can load/unload "Later"/"Storage" separately from "need now for sure". Just understand that what you think she will "need now" is almost certain to be different than what Mom thinks she will need now.

I hate to say it, gesteiger426, but this is probably harder on both you both because you are male. In my experience MOST men simply do not get as attached to household "stuff" as women do; I truly think this trait is just utterly missing from the Y chromosome! Maybe that's something the 2 of you can laugh about or use as a "take a moment" Code when you are about to be at each other's throat. Like: "Mom, you know I'm a guy/have one of those pesky Y chromosomes, help me out here". Have a little chuckle to clear the air (excusing her/my sexisim!!!).

It might help diffuse things and it's a good reminder that you each have a different point of view AND that one isn't necessarily right and the other wrong. Yours is more focused on her future: her point of view right now is more focused on her past. It might help you to remember that she is suffering a great loss as she makes this move and every knick knack, book, photo, side table etc. she doesn't take with her is another LOSS. Those wine glasses, for example, are not drinking vessels -- they are the symbol of when she could and did entertain and needed that many glasses. She's lost that NEED for glasses, but THAT is a loss! Asking her how she's feeling -- without implying at all that she justify her feelings -- might also help. If she knows that you are acknowledging her feelings of loss and are so sorry for those losses, she may be more willing to listen to your advice than if you are taking a strictly practical tone.

And since she "has the money", save your relationship not HER money! A possible approach on the other end of the move is to let the movers unpack EVERTHING/virtually everything not specifically marked for storage (or "for later") otherwise you will fight and argue at the other end too. It will be VERY hard not to communicate "I told you so", which will NOT be helpful! SO, ask for advice/referral from AL facility for name of a professional organizer to come IMMEDIATELY to help her for a few hours each day; they know how to handle this and she may be more responsive to a pro. Pls consider staying in/having her stay in a motel (or a respite room at the AL if they have one) for the first 2-4 days while this initial unpacking/organizing/settling is going on...that would be FAR LESS stressful for her and for you. EITHER she will then see for herself what the space issues are OR she will be crowded, which is ok -- it's HER home. As long as it is not too crowded for her to safely walk around, it's really her decision, isn't it? even if it would make you crazy if you had to live there. But you don't.

It may help to take lots of deep breaths and "walk away breaks" and try as hard as you can to focus on the positive: she is willing to move to AL! That, in itself, is huge! And, trust me, I didn't follow all this advice when I helped my Mom...but I do now know what works/does't and I wish I'd done more of what I'm advising here! Come back to vent ANY time! Angels Watch Over All!

Something I wasn't clear about above...I didn't mean that Mom shouldn't be present when the organizer/unpacker was moving things in to her new home only that it be arranged for Mom to LEAVE it to eat and sleep, then come back the next day rather than experiencing 24/7 all the "turmoil" and chaos that is always present the first few days of settling in. Movers always want to set up the bed first, fine. But don't find the sheets until a few days later -- who wants to wake up to all the mess if you can postpone it until AFTER coffee and a shower! On the "real" move-in day, take Mom fresh flowers and a bottle of wine for those glasses!

Just curious if anyone has had the experience of packing and transporting all the belongings to the new smaller living space and then was faced with what to do with it all in the moment at the new location. This must happen frequently at Assisted Living locations. Have you had to sort out the boxes and stuff at the truck and decide what to take in and what to do with what is left in the truck or on the doorstep? Picture that and feel your anxiety level rise!

Been there done that recently!! I thought I'd have a heart attack. My mom was so obstinate that she have it all. She also just lived with me for a year and is now back 8 hrs away and I have boxes of her stuff in my new garage. It's high anxiety but after a few months I'll ask her if she wants me to ship it to her as I have done with a few items and she has said no she doesn't need it. Hang in there, you're not alone.

woo hold on to your mind. i'm sorry and know that you are stressed but sometimes people started hoarding their memories to hold on. I know it doesn't make any sense but we all do it. eventually we start letting go. she is letting go of a part of her life that when she makes this move she cannot get back. maybe she needs time to become comfortable. most of these places have people that will help her through this. have you mentioned this to them?r also maybe she can schedule a day or two to go there and see how the other esidents have their apartments and the lifestyle she will be living. another option is to offer to rent her a storage unit where she can put her stuff for a period of time until she knows what she wants. a nice thing may be to ask if you and other members of your family could have a token like a serving dish so when she comes she will see you are using it. another very serious thing to consider is that she may be walking from furniture to furniture for balance in which case you should mention it to her doctor. remember you are moving too so her whole world is changing. it's scary as it may be for you too. it's hard for both of you now maybe you just need a time out with a short trip to release the tension. sometimes people connect love to certain items. we all do give her time. it's hard to let go.

Tell her you will store it in a self storage unit that will keep the stuff safe and clean. Advise her that if she takes too much of her stuff, then it might get stolen or something. Then you can do as you choose.....she probably won't miss it once she gets settled in...good luck!

Babalou nailed it. Your mom is not planning well. She may have a hard time function at Independent Living. Keep your eyes open for Assisted Living options. As for the packing, you have to say "Take just what you need and we'll store the rest." We cleared out mom's house with 2 dumpsters.

please do not tell her that people might steal her belongings from her new home! That's a terrible idea whether she is simply older and anxious already or if she has some dementia. Paranoia is a very common symptom of the latter! It's both cruel to do it AND you will be "creating a monster" because you will be encouraging a notion that you would give ANYTHING to abolish and reassure her about later! Not to mention that it is very unfair to residents and staff of the new place where she will be living. Never use "theft" or "you'll lose it" as a rationale. This just adds to our loved one's misery!

In reading everyone's replies it makes me think of two other factors to consider and be sensitive to. I believe one was touched upon. That being older folks of the Depression Era. I think most of us have seen the residuals if that - nothing is thrown away in case it could be used again. My mom kept copious amounts of already used aluminum foil, plastic bags from the grocery store and every "to go" container she ever brought into her home. Daddy had jars and jars of screws, nails and rubberbands. All this stuff gave them a sense of security. Then there's the warped belief that everything is a "valuable antique. If I had a dime for every time my mom said "just don't get rid of that - it's a valuable antique"! I never could get my mother to understand that with eBay these "valuable antiques" were plentiful and trying to sell her stuff wasn't worth the time and efforts it would take to bring in a few dollars - if they sold at all. Isn't there a saying something like "One mans trash is another mans treasure"?

Rainmom, reading your post was like reading about my own parents and what they saved. I found a lot of rubber bands that had dried up over the years, they just crumbled. Dad would take old coffee cans and spray paint them silver and place in those cans the screws, nails, bolts [can't do that with a K-cup]. The other day I found some very old white tennis shoe laces that were being saved for some reason.

Oh good Lord, yes freqflyer! My moms eye sight failing she wouldn't see all the food bits stuck to the foil when she smoothed it out for next time - when I'd visit at their house I would sneak into the drawer that held the foil and throw out as much as I could without it being too noticeable. Usually there would be mold growing on it - ewww! This last move to the nursing home I did happen upon a true hoarded treasure however - a jar of safety pins! Seems I can never find one when I need it - now I have a life-time supply!

yup, my mom washes out Ziploc bags to reuse and the disposable coffee cups from Dunkins

Kellse, my gosh my Mom also use to wash out the Ziploc bags, too... I would see them drying in the dish drainer.

While cleaning out my parent's house, I found a ton of pill bottle caps, don't know why my parents kept them... maybe they were "trophies" for actually getting the pill bottle opened [such as Tylenol bottles are THE worse].

Ditto on the Ziplocs. (Sigh)

My Mum had stacks of tablet bottles and tops but I knew why.... she would always ask me to open the childproof bottles so she could transfer them to bottles she COULD open. All we had to then was buy her a lockable medicine cabinet which we did and all was safe once more - until she got dementia of course

My mom's move to AL was a lesson more for me than for her. Six years ago, mom had to downsize from the home she and my dad had when I was in my early 20s. That was when I was in my early 60s. First, she wanted ME to have all of her sets of china and my grandmother's things. I had to convince her I didn't have room for any more than was already in my house. I picked a few special things and told her if she wanted them to stay in the family, she should share them with my cousins since I didn't have children to hand them down to. We still took took too much to AL and to my house, and there was still plenty left with nowhere to go. When hubby and I first got together, he owned some rental property that we had used for our storage. We still rent out my townhome and bought the house where we live. So, we had a friend with a truck take the remains of what mom had to add to our "stuff" at the storage property. We still had boxes of things to discard when she got to the AL. (sigh)

That was close to 7 years ago. Just this year, we kept getting offers to buy the storage property. It was in a residential area, and most saw a fix-up and rent property in it. We knew it was depreciating and our things were probably ruining. So, we did a walk-through and discovered that was true. We sold it with the condition that all of the things inside would be disposed of before renovations or rental were considered. There were things that were "priceless" to hubby, mom, and me in it; but, we had nowhere to put them and no time to go through them. Every now and then, I think of the "priceless " treasures we lost, and I can't even remember what they were. A decluttering expert would have told me to throw them away anyway, since I hadn't used them in over a year.

Now, I am trying to save my step-children or best friend, depending on if hubby or I die first, the same chore. It seems like I have been moving the same things around for years, and my closets keep growing...just as my mom's did! I am learning too late how difficult this is. I am determined, though. I am donating a lot of clothes and things we don't use, and I am starting to see some progress.

The lesson I am learning is that downsizing (decluttering) is more difficult than it seemed when I was telling mom how to do it!

chari, "It seems like I have been moving the same things around for years, and my closets keep growing...just as my mom's did! I am learning too late how difficult this is. I am determined, though. I am donating a lot of clothes and things we don't use, and I am starting to see some progress."
DITTO here!! Almost a year in and still going. Keep at it! Found a couple books that really help (WHAT a big industry that is). To all you ziploc 'haters,' I'm embarrassed, I wash out those too, lol. I found compostable bags and am using those now instead. :)

Mom and I moved into separate senior housing places and had to go through our stuff. It was hard to do this until we discovered "Dr." Savers! Going to Savers is one thing that we can do together to bond now. Every week! Not only does it distract her from not feeling well and she actually emerges all happy with a new treasure or two, but we get discounts on our new stuff if we donate our old stuff.

So every week Mom gives me a new plastic bag of things she wants to get rid of so she can have the fun of picking a new or better item that suits her new place. I've done the same thing too.
I have better clothes, look more "put together", feel confident, enjoy going into my closet, feel less attached to things, and we have found small items that are in better condition than old, unused things that we have clung to.

Savers has taught us that you can have what you need and that it feels fantastic to give things away. The little discounts make us feel great and Mom and I enjoy sharing our little joys of discovery. I enjoy going there because she has finally learned to look on her own instead of feeling she has to involve me in her every move. She has learned to enjoy being independent rather than needy or bossy.

Yesterday I found some cute boxes to store shoes in. I took them home, washed them and then reorganized my stacks of photos. I was able to toss out old, dusty boxes that were falling apart.
I also found a lightweight, new looking laundry hamper. Will return my cumbersome on to Saver's tomorrow.

We have a rule: for everything you bring home from Saver's, find a bag of things to donate. Goodwill, and other type of stores will work the same way.

Just remember: be here now and "you can't take it with you." :)

HappyGal, oh my gosh that sounds like a lot of fun :)

gesteiger426, we hadn't heard from you since you wrote your original posting about your Mom moving. Hope everything is ok.... or that you are still very busy trying to convince Mom that she can't cram her whole house in her new apartment. Let know what is happening.

Zdarov, I see there are a lot of us who can relate to the same situations. I guess that is why there are so many books about it. There are a lot of books about how to organize your life, your desk, your home, your laundry, your... Decluttering is a popular term for those of us whose closets or homes seem to grow. I believe "hoarding" is considered a mental illness under OC. There is a term for people who live the opposite way, nothing in their homes that is not absolutely necessary. Did you find any particular books that were helpful or interesting to you. If so, I would like to know the titles. There is nothing like reading a "how-to" book while I should be doing whatever it is! Good luck to you.