My 90-year-old mom treats my dad horribly…verbally. He is a retired dentist, made good investments and now they are able to live comfortably in a luxury senior living environment their last years. My mom has been immobile for approx. 5 years using a rollator everywhere she goes and my dad took good care of here, cooking, hired cleaning, etc. Last year he became ill with multiple myeloma and is not able to do as much as before. My mom has been relentless with her verbal abuse. She has always been harsh with me as well, the only daughter and oldest, but not with my two younger brothers. I’m the one closest in geography to them (40 min away) and the sole help. One brother lives 4 hrs. away; the other is out of state. Both are still working, I am a retired teacher, have given most of my time to their care, errands, medical appts, drugs, daily life upkeep, etc. My husband is supportive but doesn’t want our retirement dwindling away with us not pursuing our retirement dreams of traveling.
My mom has always been very harsh with me but not my brothers, so they don’t get it. As she has aged, it’s worse and she is very verbally abusive to my undeserving daddy. I am absolutely fed up and am at a loss as to what to do. I hate that they are living their remaining years with verbal abuse and little love. My dad cries. And my mom degrades him. And I get angry hearing it. I love them and would do anything for them, but I’m almost done. I don’t get to see my grandkids, don’t travel with my husband in our retirement; the joy is being sucked out of my loving spirit. I want to do for my parents, but I also want to enjoy my husband and our retirement and grandkids who live several hours away. My parents are in a senior living facility where all their needs are met. My question… how do you help support aging parents when one is belligerent and not caring about your sacrifices yet still meet the needs of a husband, children, and grandchildren whom you desperately miss? I don’t want to abandon my parents, but they are all consuming of my life at this point.
It seems highly unlikely that she'd listen to you, and your golden brothers never get to witness what is happening, so I suggest you enlist the support of professionals within the facility and step away. Your father's vulnerability will only worsen as he becomes frailer so it's important to get interventions in place now. Senior staff members - all staff members, actually, but go to those with authority - will know they have a duty of care towards your father which includes identifying and addressing risks. His health care teams, too, will be mandated reporters and you should draw their attention to his living situation.
As to the sacrifices - stop making them. They're not necessary to your parents' wellbeing, and QED they do nothing to protect your Dad. So what good are they to anyone?
Has your dad been treated for depression? It sounds like he could use some help lifting his spirits dealing with your mom.
Perhaps they could both use a visit with a geriatric psychiatrist to help their moods.
Have you considered separating them? Your mother sounds like a bully. I would call her out on it and it is abuse.
You mother isn’t going to suggest you take some time off.
You have to put yourself on your own calendar.
It’s later than you think. Especially with grands.
There is a short window of time to spend with them before they are off on their own adventures.
And your DH shouldn’t have to come in second.
I would set up whatever chores you are doing for the parents on as automatic of a system as possible. at their expense.
Let the brothers know you are taking a step back in case they want to get more involved. Just tell them you don’t want them to think you are on the job any more. So they might want to get more involved. Let them work out what they choose to do but do let them know you are done. Perhaps one of them would like dad to come live near them. Let mom see he has options. The brothers will probably be on the phone to mommy right away if they think you are leaving. It would be good for her to hear it from them. It might give her pause.
Perhaps find someone to run errands for the parents that they pay for and let them know that you are off to Bora Bora and will see them for the holidays…or not.
There isn’t anything magic about standing up for yourself except to just do it. Once you have set things in motion, planning a trip, cutting back visits, hiring help, it will be so much easier, you will wonder why you didn’t do it sooner. You have to shift your focus from her to DH.
I know, of course, that dad probably is conditioned to stay with your mom regardless but do try to get him some help.
My mother treated my father like dirt for their entire marriage. I hated it, like you do, but any time I got angry at mom and told her to cut the crap, dad got angry with ME. Yep. That's when I said, wait a minute. What am I doing trying to fix THEIR marriage which is none of my business, in reality.?
Dad was dying of a brain tumor and mom's dementia was worsening. They were living in AL and fighting more often bc dad was finally getting sick and tired of mom's nasty mouth yapping at him 24/7 non stop. I'd quit interfering until ASKED to step in and break up the arguments. DH and I would schlep over there and try to calm them down...it was a mess, really. But dad remained devoted to her until the day he died 10 months later. When the mortuary came to take dad's body away, mom finally broke down crying and said, "I wasn't very nice to him all these years, was I?" She knew how mean she was, she just didn't care until it was too late. And even then, she packed up all his clothing immediately and asked me to get the bags out of the apartment to give her more room for her stuff. 68 years of marriage all stuffed into black Hefty bags, 1 2 3, buh bye now.
Stop letting THEIR issues consume YOUR life. Travel with your husband and lead life the way it SHOULD be led, the 2 of you, treating one another with love and respect. When you get home, check in on the folks and say hi. Let the luxury facility house them comfortably and provide them with the care they're paying for. Send your Golden Boy brothers a text letting them know you're leaving and to check in on their parents while you're gone. Give your brothers contact numbers to the admin at the AL as emergency contacts in your absence.
Have fun and enjoy your trips and your grandkids and your retirement!
Not quitting 'honouring your parents' but being quit being 'the help'.
I do feel for you & your situation but am always saddened & shocked at how often an adult child (so often a daughter) just puts up with being 'the help'. Is it a generation thing? A gender thing? To be taught to serve?
Taught to vac the floor while the men-folk were taught to lift their feet?
If you have a good private chat with your Dad.. what does he want? Would it be possible to have separate rooms in AL if he wanted that?
and i’m in a very similar situation (the part about being abused by an abusive parent).
Perhaps it does - no more Ms Nice Gal. Perhaps it doesn’t because your father won’t allow any changes. But even that stops you feeling so conflicted. If your father won’t allow change, it’s on him, not on you. Then do what you need to be with the other people in your life, who you also need and who also need you.
"I don’t want to abandon my parents, but they are all consuming of my life at this point"
it's the million dollar question.
how to balance it all, and follow one's values which pull us sometimes in opposite/incompatible directions.
i hope you get lots of good ideas from people on the forum. i just want to say, i understand you.
Would you stand by if some stranger was abusing your dad/your kids/grandkids?
You don't have to abandon your parents, use their money to hire more help so you can claim some piece of your life back.