My dad is under hospice care in his home and I am his 24/7 caregiver. He has end stage heart failure, uncontrolled Afib, and severe arthritis. He had recently taken a turn for the worse and we readily see the marks of impending death. Amongst them is that he is no longer interested in food and rarely wants anything to drink. My sisters, however, are pointing fingers at me. One stated today that it’s because I’m not encouraging him to eat in the right way. I normally try to address their idiocy with patience and an explanation. And I did that today but she doubled down on her opinion and I’m aggravated now. I try to be the bigger person but I am exhausted and I’m so tired of them acting like they have a clue and treating me as though I’m inferior. I understand that no one here can fix my family dynamics but I would appreciate some advice on dealing with them.
I will tell you something that my therapist once told me. I used to stuff everything inside, be the bigger person, ignore it, all that stuff, just like you. My therapist’s response in his fabulous ‘no nonsense’ attitude was, “It’s okay to be angry.”
To feel anger is completely normal. We shouldn’t get stuck in anger but something is seriously wrong with us if we don’t experience being annoyed, upset, irritated, aggravated and even down right angry about something when we have good reason to be upset.
So give yourself permission to feel as you do. Do not allow her to place blame on you for something totally out of your control. You can’t make your dad have an appetite. It’s not your fault. She shouldn’t judge you like that. Your sister is not being logical or reasonable in this situation. I’m sorry that she upset you. You have a right to be upset. Siblings can be a pain in the butt sometimes.
Handle it the way you feel best. It doesn’t matter if we speak until we are blue in the face with some people, they aren’t going to get it! I stopped wasting my time with them. It just caused me more aggravation.
You know your sister and her reactions so you will figure out what works best.
Take care and let us know how you are doing. Hugs!
Their denial is deep and dangerous. (((((Hugs))))))
I know that you are not doing anything wrong, but their accusations that you are and then not stepping in to protect dad just gripes me. They can cause you untold grief by falsely accusing you after he dies.
Do they understand that hospice is only brought in when it is determined by doctors that they are dying and probably have less than 6 months to live?
I would encourage them to come help if they believe they can do better. Dad won't eat for them either and maybe they will learn, probably not but it can stop false accusations.
I am truly sorry that you are going through this as you deal with your dad. Hugs and strength to you.
I doubt that there was ever a discussion about you having to assume responsibility for listening to and acting on your sisters’ complaints and directives, so don’t do it.
My sibs behaved similarly.
I employed the advice of suggesting they should feel free to step up and do it better. They gave it a try.
Things changed after that, no more criticism and second-guessing.
You're already in a difficult situation, sibs making it worse is unnecessary and counter-productive.
I wish you well and admire your patience.
R27
Now my mom after living with me for nearly 15 years are with my brother and his wife. She’s 94. He is playing the hero but he won’t have her in his home for 15 years. Plus she has hired help to care for her.
She NEVER hired help when she lived with me. They felt I should do it all because I was female. Ridiculous! Even more ridiculous is that I put up with it from my brothers and my mom.
If siblings think that he’s being starved & you’re neglecting him, tell them to come & take over the care. Bet they couldn’t do it for an hour.
hugs 🤗
My policy is everyone treats anyone present in the home (including me) with courtesy and respect or they leave. So I would give the sisters Hospice contact information and then tell them to keep their accusations to themselves or walk out the door and do not come back until they have better control of their emotions and tongues. If they refused to leave at my simple request, I would call the police or sheriff's department to assist their departure. Do not argue, do not raise your voice. When I planned to take this action, I called the police department and spoke to the sergeant in charge of the watch so he knew the backstory. When I called, the patrol officer entered the home and asked my sibling to step outside with him. After a short discussion with the police officer, my sibling voiced a few threats and left. I invited the police officer back into the house so he could check on my elder himself and asked if I could provide his contact information to APS when they called, since that was one of my sibling's threats.
It's the nuclear option; don't take it if you see the possibility of a future relationship with your sisters. Realize you will be risking your relationships with other family members too. Some will take your side and some will paint you as a terrible person for refusing to allow your sisters to visit their dying father. My situation was simple because I had already fractured my sibling relationship by applying for guardianship of our father.
I will hold on to the only acknowledgement I will ever receive from either of them, that came a year ago. I was told by TS2 that she knew mom would have done much better at home. I would have stayed, but nobody would even acknowledge how sick my mom was. They got their way.
In this case, I think them moving mom relieved their guilt but reinforced for me that they were in extreme denial of the entire situation. Denial is easier than guilt, if there is no illness then there is no reason not to eat. Right? So, no guilt.
RISE above them, know you are doing your best, and leave it at that.
Have hospice social worker speak with your twisteds, preferably at the same time so they can learn about the dying process.
When the hospice nurse came to Mom's house and TS was there. I brought up I wanted to administer it and the nurse wholeheartedly agreed, that the morphine would help it and it was past time to start it. Getting the "Pro" advice changed TS's mind.
Next time the hospice nurse is there, tell the nurse what is being done to you by your sisters. Call your sisters and put them on speaker phone. Have the nurse give her/his professional opinion about your father's not eating and drinking and the dying process. That should turn them around.
I am so sorry. *hugs* to you. Lean on us. We're here for you.
My friend is caregiver to her younger sister (age 51) with Down’s syndrome and dementia. One of her sisters thinks she can be cured with organic food, vitamins and supplements.
Oh, if only dementia was so easy to treat, right?
Can't live with 'em. Can't shoot 'em. Well, you CAN shoot 'em, but then you'd probably go to prison & that wouldn't be good.
So suggest to the twisted sissies *LOVE that phrase* to feed your father themselves.
Ha.
So sorry for all the added pain you're suffering, As if you're not already going through enough without adding to your grief.
So sorry that you are going through this. You have been the one to do all the work and deal with the heartache. They sit on the sidelines, if they even show up for the game.
At this point, I would let them know that your dad is now a hospice patient and that force feeding him is not what you are going to do. Many patients refuse food at this point. It is normal and sadly part of hospice. I would let the sisters know that they are more than welcome to come and do the 24/7 caregiving and make their own realizations at that point. People like this do not want to hear what the reality of the situation is, they only hear what they want. Don't waste your breathe.
Would any of the hospice team be willing to explain the realities of your father's condition to your sisters?
We had wonderful hospice nurses and coming from them, answers were easier to accept.
Even if they are speaking out of ignorance or panic, there is no excuse for cruelty.
My heart goes out to you. You are enduring several kinds of loss simultaneously.
We think they are starving them but in reality, it is the body's natural instinct as it prepares to shut down. It's trying to preserve the most important organs and digestion is not high on its list of priorities. As such they are not moving nutrients properly because internal organs are not working properly, intestinal issues can develop causing much pain for our loved ones.
It's my personal opinion that we cause our loved ones to suffer more and longer than they need to because we keep trying to encourage food or force foods.
Imagine having a stomach cramp.
It's hard to be witness to this choice and even harder to feel like you're doing nothing but it's my opinion that it's the most gentle and compassionate thing to do by following the wishes of your loved one.
Prayers that you all receive some peace through this.