My dad is under hospice care in his home and I am his 24/7 caregiver. He has end stage heart failure, uncontrolled Afib, and severe arthritis. He had recently taken a turn for the worse and we readily see the marks of impending death. Amongst them is that he is no longer interested in food and rarely wants anything to drink. My sisters, however, are pointing fingers at me. One stated today that it’s because I’m not encouraging him to eat in the right way. I normally try to address their idiocy with patience and an explanation. And I did that today but she doubled down on her opinion and I’m aggravated now. I try to be the bigger person but I am exhausted and I’m so tired of them acting like they have a clue and treating me as though I’m inferior. I understand that no one here can fix my family dynamics but I would appreciate some advice on dealing with them.
My siblings used to argue and make insensitive remarks to me since I am the caretaker for my father. They did not understand how emotionally and physically draining it is to be a caretaker and also that they felt guilty for not helping.
I would ask your sisters to come over maybe during lunch or dinner to assist. Then maybe they would understand. Also, let them know that they need to be there for their father even if you are the primary caretaker. They have a responsibility too to provide care and there are things they can do. The responsibility isn't all on your shoulders. They can call or Facetime with your father and they can see it is his decision not to eat.
I am sorry you are going through this. I remember when this happened to me and it was so heartbreaking because I felt like I couldn't even depend on my family and it was so isolating. After my siblings talked to my father and helped on a few days, my siblings understood and the toxicity stopped.
I just can’t thank everyone enough for the outreach of compassion and concern that I’ve received here. Honestly, in my toughest days, this is what keeps me above water. Thank you!
Ignore her. You are doing something very admirable. You wont regret the time spent. Mpre than family are admiring your efforts.
Take care of yourself.
ASK THE SISTERS TO SLIDE TO THE SIDE AND TO GET OUT OF YOUR LIFE. TELL THEM YOU WILL FILE A RESTRAINING ORDER IN BEHALF OF YOUR FATHER IF THEY MAKE AN ATTEMPT ONE MORE TIME TO ABUSE YOU OVER YOUR STAND WITH YOUR FATHER. LET THEM KNOW YOU ALL WILL END UP IN COURT IF THEY THINK YOU ARE KIDDING.
YOUR FOCUS SHOULD BE ON YOUR FATHER'S LAST DAYS AND NOT THEIR HELLISH ATTITUDE.
DR COPPERTINO
The fact that they are aware of his current status is wonderful, when are they planning to visit-help? You have an open line of communication which can be utilized (text/email/writing) by hospice to let them know what is happening, as appears in his medical records. They can google terminology.
It sounds like an psychologically abusive dynamic, if not toxic, which can never be fixed, due to ingrained patterns, the NO-contact rule is usually best, since abusive family dynamics tend to covertly increase into adulthood often taught/started by parents way back in childhood, whilst other family members had actively participated, or just looked the other way.
Stop telephone-talking with them, having them chat with an RN or anyone within his hospice team is the only thing you can do. Are you comfortable texting,writing,emailing asking them to speak with someone else?
Telling your siblings to stop their sh*tty behaviors will help you feel better, but it will not get them to stop. It sounds like your siblings will blame you for anything they might find to criticize.If they are not in town, then ask when they are going to arrive to help. If he is in a facility, then ask when they are going to visit, and exit before they arrive.
If they feel a need to yell, disconnect, and never answer their future calls, instead, as mentioned, give them the contact information of the nearest medical person willing/capable of providing them with his updated information. Family is not allowed to belittle anyone when a family member is dying. I would text them that they are not helping your father by their statements, and that your father would like to see them before he dies.
Again as mentioned get hospice to talk to them and text/email/write your siblings to consult outside therapy because you are not their punching bag. You never are obligated to respond, to bad sibling remarks. You will stop their questioning of overall care, by having them speak with those who are trained to discuss hospice and other medical information.
You are doing everything you can.
Sending you you virtual hugs.
Trudy
Understand that DNR is not what you think, please google death rattle and what the dying person experiences.
My story is very similar and I wrote posts about this back in April. My Dad was on hospice and my 3 siblings banned together to blame me .. for his death and everything else.
You are the caregiver and you know where your Dad is health wise and that it is his time. Some just can't handle end of life issues and it gets really ugly..
Just wanted to say I understand...hold your ground as you know what is best for Dad. I've been there as well.. and it is not easy.
Take care..
You are doing a wonderful job of taking care of your father; always remember that.
You offer and it's up to the individual if they want it.
Also, tell your Sister you would be more than happy for her to come over during meal times to try to persuade mom to eat. 😇
this part of life happens, I know my mm died at home and did not want to eat, then drink. Looking back I realize the different siblings are different people and took it differently. I don’t let people make me feel bad anymore, guilt and anger etc. take up too much mental energy.
they are in denial because of your dads soon passing, and need to be gently educated in this final phase of life. To avoid bitterness, I would
later on ask them, who are not the hands on people, to help pay for final expenses,
You can look up this info online (dying process) and print it out for your sisters to shut them up once and for all. If she is picking on you it sounds like she in denial, and having problems processing his impending death. She is lashing out at you for him dying. It is not your fault and there is nothing you or hospice can do about it. That is rediculious. I would have hospice talk to her about it when she comes in. Hospice is also monitoring him and has no problem with your care.
I also wouldnt allow her to treat you like it is your fault. I think your sisters would blame you for something/anything no matter what. They dont get to lash out at you for your dad dying. It is stressful enough. I think they are not dealing with it and need therapy. Id tell them that to their face. You shouldn't allow them to treat you that way.
If he is living with you, I wouldnt allow them to visit until they stop lashing out. You dont have to take that abuse on top of everything else. I'd get hospice to talk to them and then tell them you dont want to hear another word about it. Or they can leave. Or if he is staying somewhere. Dont be there when they show up. Leave. You also dont have to answer a single question or respond when they start. You are not the family whipping post because they want to vent. I feel so bad for you having to put up with that. I think it will get worse after he dies, so better prepare yourself. You need to think of ways to shut them down. Stand up for yourself. Good luck.
If sis thinks your so inferior, let her step up to the bat and watch her fall on her face. Hang in there.... we're behind you, and sometimes family sucks!
Invite your sisters to come and take turns trying to feed your father. They will find they won't have too much success. At some point, your father may forget how to swallow. That's another sign that their body is shutting down.
Play up lifting music, classical or favorite songs from the past. Music can temporarily open both portion of the brain to communicate with one another. If the dementia is too bad, it won't work at all. But for the few minutes to whatever time it does connect, it's priceless to have them be themself for that brief moment of time..
Some health care facilities will do day stay, this allows you to drop them off for a few hours to get a break. Our's was $125 per day. I just needed help once a month. They are also qualified to do Respite Care where you can drop them off for 5 days and get a break from caring for them for 5 days. I used this so we could visit the in-laws and attend my father-in-law's funeral. It's an included service of Medicare for home caregivers. Or ask your sisters to take him for the weekend. My mom became bedridden after a time and we used wheelchairs and changed diapers. If you can do it, so can they. And they will regret not spending time with him while he was still alive.
They will remember what they choose to. They can give the care that is needed, but still have the memories of a healthy parents years ago. This is truly the Circle of Life.
Your sisters are also losing their dad. They may feel more guilt because they haven’t been there as much as they should have been (or as much as they think they should have been). Hospice staff can explain things that you as a sibling probably shouldn’t—mainly because siblings don’t always think their sibling knows much (even when she/he does).