My grandmother and I have always had an odd relationship but it has broken down to the point where I just don’t know what to do.
My grandfather died a year and a half ago, he was lovely, the nicest man ever. He was the reason I visited and kept in touch with them. My grandmother has always been nasty and spiteful. When he died it devastated her and the rest of the family. She leaned on me hard and it any attempt to put some distance was met with resentment from her. I had managed to get my visits to her to 3 times a week. Anyway in October she fell and broke her hip, she’s in hospital still and it’s not healing so she is not allowed to put weight on it. She speaks to me terribly, accuses me of taking her things and money, is nasty about me to my 14 yr old. I went there tonight and she told me she has no one and no one does anything for her and I never visit. She regularly tells the nurses I only visit once a week (they obviously know better).
Anyway, I’ve just had it. I don’t want to visit her, I dread going there but feel guilty when I don’t. Any advice on how to deal with this would be appreciated. J
Where are her children in all of this?
I would do what I’d do with a child now. She acts up, you simply tell her that you’re leaving because she’s [berating you, being unkind, throwing a tantrum — take your pick] and then tell her you’ll be back on _____ — and actually leave.
Either this will work after a few times and Grandma learns that you won’t take this nonsense anymore — or she can’t recall this due to neurological deficiencies and that, combined with her nature and remnants of your past relationship with her is so permanently embedded that it will not change.
If it’s the latter, you alleviate much stress on yourself because you leave and remove yourself from that situation instantly. You can still visit to make sure she is taken care of, but unless she is kind and respectful — it will only be a 4-minute visit every X number of days.
I hope it works out for you.
thank you so much, she makes me feel so guilty for not doing more but I know it is really affecting me to spend so much time with her. I’m going to do what everyone has suggested and just leave when she starts getting nasty. Like you say I can keep my usual visits but just remove myself when she starts being horrible. I’m very grateful for the responses on here, it has made me feel better and given me a way forward.
I don’t think I would visit three times a week. Once a week is enough and I would drop that if she continues to be so contrary.
Does she need you to help with anything? Is the staff doing a reasonably good job caring for her? Let them take care of her.
I feel for her going through her sad situations but she still doesn’t have the right to be mean to you. Tell yourself that. She does not get free reign to mistreat you. We all go through stuff. You don’t mistreat her. You give her respect and she should return that respect to you.
I sincerely hope things improve soon. Unfortunately, this behavior is common for her. So, I wouldn’t get my hopes up as far as seeing a major improvement. Still, she needs to learn to control her actions. Some people have no filter and show their true colors.
Sending a bazillion hugs your way. 💗
As far as visiting, once a week should do it. Guilt is a self imposed emotion that serves no purpose, it will keep you stuck.
Time to set boundaries with her, say what you mean and mean what you say.
Visit and the moment she starts with the ugly, remind "okay that's enough, I like to visit you, but don't talk to me in that way or I will have to leave". If she continues with the tirade, leave. Every time.
your mum sounds similar to my grandmother, why are they like this? No one else will bother with her because of how she is and yet she is still out and out nasty.
ah well, reading these replies has made me feel better and less like I am doing this on my own!
That would be the 1st thing I said on my next visit, as soon as she starts in. Nope, not happening grandma, you need to be nice or I will leave. Then do it. Every single time she gets nasty, grandma I know we talked about this and I will leave if you can't be nice, then do it.
You have nothing to feel guilty about. She doesn't get to tear you down and you keep coming back for more, she has already shown you that she has no boundaries by laying it on your 14 year old. It is okay to tell anyone that their behavior is unacceptable and will not be tolerated and then leave.
Has the hospital checked for UTI and cognitive function? I would ask them to, but that doesn't change the fact that you can tell her to stop or you leave.
You have been a trooper for visiting as frequently as you have and you deserve a great big warm hug 🤗.
Oh, her clinging to you and throwing tantrums when you enforce boundaries is manipulation and you don't have to accept that either.
I have tried to talk to her but she just gets nastier and refuses to speak to me. It’s a strange relationship as I said and I also feel like I have to respect her because she’s my nan, if it was my dad then I think we could have a discussion, not that he would do that.
she is a master manipulator, everything she said to me yesterday was to make me feel guilty...I have no one, no one cares, I’m going to move away, you don’t visit etc.
they have checked for uti and I think she has suffered on and off since being in hospital so I’m not sure if it is that or the onset of dementia.
I think what I will do is just leave when she gets like this. There is no point discussing it with her, I challenged her when she was ranting at my daughter and she just acted like it had never happened then attempted to give my daughter money...she wasn’t interested!
thank you so much for your reply. It really helped!
Grandma is 88! Breaking a hip is serious in the elderly. You may have not have noticed the signs before but anesthesia can make Dementia worse. Add to it she is in a hospital for two months. Ask that she be checked for a UTI. I hope someone has POAs in place. She may never go home. She may need 24/7 care in LTC.
I 100% GET the nastiness that some of our elders can spew out. It's amazing, isn't it...and hurtful, even if you know it's coming from a broken brain..but it sounds like your gma is not suffering from dementia, she's mean.
Take a break from visiting. You're not getting credit for the visiting you do now. So, who's to know! And 3 times a week is pure torture.
Take a nice, long break. Refresh and recoup. Then go back to see her and lay down some grounds rules about how she needs to speak to you. You have the upper hand, as you can walk out. A few times of that and I imagine she might have an AHA moment.
Don't get your hopes up too high--people rarely change. My MIL, for example, thinks she suffers from insomnia and truly believes that 'I' caused it b/c 44 years ago, when I was dating my DH, she had her gallbladder out and when she came home, we kept her up 'till all hours' and she never got in a decent sleep pattern again. She is honestly as mad today as she was 44 years ago and actually brought it up in a conversation last week. So--cautionary tale. Grandma may not change and you will be the one who does.
There's nothing to feel 'guilty' about, either. You're not doing anything wrong, she is. You deserve to be treated with kindness and respect, as you are treating her. It's a two way street.
Good luck!