I married a man; I'm 66, have an autonomic and autoimmune disease, third-stage stage renal failure, and seizures from a fall. My husband is 76; he had a cerebellar stroke many years ago, so it can be difficult to manage his attitude and behavior. He's physically hurt me, broken the hardware in my back, and blackened eyes, and I'm 5'1"; he's 6'3". He towers over me and pushes me around, knowing that he can't put his hands on my person. I told him that I didn't want to marry because I don't believe that all men do the right thing by wives when they have adult children. He promised that his family was never in touch, kids in their forties live in Germany, sisters in Arizona. No calls or visits until he married me. Now the calls are nasty and manipulative (easy when you're dealing with this particular stroke patient.) This family doesn't know me, but they harass me, and they placed calls to the of Aging, which is Adult dfacs (Dept of Family and Children Services in GA), and reported anonymously that I was mistreating my husband. That's a crime punishable with a hefty fine and a prison sentence when you're doing it just for giggles. I have photos of my chin and eyes and copies of the text messages from them. It never stops. They weren't involved until I came here. I have up an adult Apt, no kids, over fifty-five adults, my service dog and I were safe. Now he's saying things like why did you live in a "poor people's place?" He's addicted to pornography, and he gets violent because he's impotent. I've been a nurse since I left high school and went to college. I have an MSN, and my specialty is Neurology and movement disorders; I know what I am talking about when I speak of his neuro and cognitive issues. I have no family. He's been moving money out of our bank account and sending it to Germany to his daughter, the one who wasn't in contact until he married me. It's a secretive family and it's obvious to me that they are hiding something about him. I asked his sister if she had any influence over him regarding talking about the pornography issue, and she lost it. Everything was my fault. The fact is this family is dysfunctional, and they carry a lot of shame and guilt that my atheist husband attributes to a cold mother, an indifferent father who was too old to spend time with his son, and Catholicism. He was raised lonely, and I believe that he is on the spectrum; he says that Mom told him that he was weird. He was a deadbeat dad to the kids in Germany, plus he adopted two when he married his first wife. His third wife had to hand over her young developmentally disabled son to his alcoholic father because my husband wasn't going to deal with children. I would never abandon my child for a man who refused to have him in their home. I'm dealing with something that, for the first time in my life, I can't fix. He cost me a safe apartment for seniors (it took three years to get an apartment), and all my furniture went to Goodwill. I don't have access to our finances. His will states that I have his benefits and military retirement and can stay in the house until I die. My daughter will have six months to empty it of everything, and it's his kid's house then. NEVER MARRY A MAN THAT HAS GROWN CHILDREN. He promised me so many good reasons to be married, if have someone to help me with my care but I came into a hoard that I picked out, I have to set up and dispense his meds. He hallucinates and he's impulsive, buying and having automobiles delivered that he bought on line and he has no license. The family also blames me for that. After almost ending up under one semi too many, I had the state pull his license. The family is promising him that they can get it back in Germany. I'm ready to take my service dog and walk off into traffic. It beats living under a bridge, I'm unable to sweat because of the autonomic disease. I wouldn't last a day and neither would my 11yo dog. I don't know what to do with the man with the manipulative family.
But earlier you say you have no family , I’m confused .
If you have family can you stay with them temporarily until you get a low income apartment ?
Otherwise go to a women’s shelter . Get a social worker help you get out of this abusive situation . You also need a divorce lawyer to help you with the financials .
I happen to agree with you about not marrying late in life into another family . I would not do it . My husband’s father married a broke gold digger , most of his money went to her kids .
Better off just living together , keeping all moneys separate , IMO , unless you have a prenup and other legal options are available to keep money and assets separated enough . Those options for married couples vary in different states .
He had raised two girls. I had raised two girls. We have seen our girls grow, marry, have grandchildren (who are now ALSO grown, the youngest being 25 and the oldest 30.)
We have been exceptionally content with one another, and had much joy in traveling, seeing the world, building a small second home. We have supported one another through cancers, through heart issues, through catastropic problems with one of our children. We have shared our GIRLS and our lives and we have been meticulous in making out all paperwork that protects one another.
We have not melded our finances. That is personal choice. We have shared living costs, and protected one another with good trust and estate planning with good attorneys, as well as assured that when we are BOTH gone, our girls will inherit what we have been able to accumulate in our lives. Our families are informed. Our families are kind people. We are ALL very lucky. Together we have reached an age where our oldest children/step children are themselves SEVENTY years old! (unimaginable. I never have trouble with my own age, just cannot imagine my kids this old!).
One person's experience is just that, in my humble opinion. We make our choices and I believe in my life I have never made a POOR CHOICE that on some level I didn't know BEFORE I MADE IT was a poor or risky choice. I am not saying a catastrophic illness cannot come along and change things. But if you prepare knowing this can happen it cannot change ALL things.
I think people forget that there are jails just for the criminally insane, dementia is no excuse or free pass to commit felonies.
Then again, I can't figure out why you would marry someone that had issues with porn that caused problems in previous marriages.
Are you from the US?
I question that you will be able to get his military retirement if a US one. Upon retirement thats when you set up who will be the beneficiary of your pension. If you chose a beneficiary your payment is less. Pensions are usually not left in Wills because there is a beneficiary set up. No beneficiary, the pension dies with the person. I found this...
"To receive direct payments from the Defense Finance and Accounting Service (DFAS) of a portion of a military member's retired pay, a former spouse must meet the 10/10 rule: the former spouse must have been married to the member for at least 10 years of their creditable military service."
I get from this if you weren't married to him for 10 years during his 20 yrs (or more) of service, you are entitled to nothing. If not married to him 10yrs, your not entitled to his Social Security after death.
From what I get from your post is that you were not looking for marriage, he talked you into it. He promised you something your not getting? You are probably hearing from relatives because they think your out to get his money. All I can say is go to Social Services. Maybe they can set you up with someplace to live. Vouchers for food and other resources.
This is a forum for people who care for Loved ones. We share our experiences. We really can't help you with domestic abuse.
Your husband's will isn't the instrument that passes his benefits and military retirement to you. If he is retired from the military, you need to be registered with them as his spouse. For that you need to go to a military establishment, such as a nearby military base, with his DD214, proof of marriage, and whatever else they now require. You get an ID card with your picture on it. Your spouse has to sign you up as an annuitant and then the US military pays you part of his pension after he passes. (I'm the wife of a retired military officer but unclear on the details because it's been a long time since we did this.) You need to check all of this out in great detail. There's a lot of bureaucracy and paperwork you need to navigate. You can do some of it online.
Are you using his Tricare for Life supplemental insurance policy? You should be.
You need to interact with the Veterans Administration. Find out what benefits he has and if you qualify for help through them. Contact your local county VA organization to get started on this. They will help with all that I've mentioned above.
If you believe that he is getting a pension from a company he worked for outside of the military, you need to make sure that is true. Then you need to make sure it is transferable to you after his death. He can't will it to you. A pension operates according to the rules of the company pension plan and the deal he's made with them, if any. He may need to go to their office with you so you can both find out what the rules are, because I doubt if anyone there willl discuss this with you if you aren't already on their paperwork.
I don't understand why your money (I assume) is going into a joint account and you don't have access to it. You should change that right away. Open your own bank account and arrange with social security and any other payers that your money go into it. Do not give him access to that account or leave the passwords where he can find them.
These are steps that you can take in a positive direction. Do them rather than walking out. He should go, not you. Don't hesitate to put this bozo in jail, which you should have done long ago.
Now, you're a well-educated woman. Your man doesn't "allow" you access to your money? He gave all your stuff away and basically you're a slave living under his abusive thumb? This man has beat you senseless and caused you permanent damage, yet you stick around?
You claim to have married him because you also wanted someone to help take care of you. That's not a reason to get married. That's a reason to hire a caregiver.
Your situation is not the fault of your husband's grown children in another country.
You continue to live as your do. If it's your place and in your name, it's yours. If your husband has dementia and has been violent to you, call the police. Tell them he's hurt you and threatens to hurt himself. They will hold him over in the ER for a 72 hour psych evaluation. Then refuse to allow him back. If you have all the permanent injuries you claim, and photos to back up your story, it will not be hard to get a restaining order.
You're an educated woman, who like I said, surely has a good retirement. So go to the bank and open a new bank account. Then have your Social Security and pension (if you get one) deposited into that account. Also, clean out the joint account while you're at it. If it's all your income, take it all. If it's not take half.
After you've done this, get yourself to a hotel/motel that has weekly rates. Many of them even allow a pet. Or stay with a friend or your daughter if you can. Then consult with a divorce lawyer. Stay there until you've filed for divorce and found a permanent place. Or have him arrested and removed from the home by the police.
You do not have to take care of him. You also don't have to pay his bills or rent.
Is your husband American and so you will get his military benefits? Also, why does his will say you can remain in the house, yet you claim the two of you live in an apartment? Your story has a lot of holes and doesn't make sense.
Clean out the bank accounts yourself, talk to a divorce lawyer, and stay with your daughter or somewhere else until you get your life back on track. Or have him taken by the cops.
No one has to livw with abuse whether that abuse comes from a demented person or not.
As you observe, this is a bright and educated woman. Some choices have not been good ones, and we always pay a price for those. But there are options. You have pointed out many.
What you are describing is assault. If you called the police (or if the police were called by ***someone***) did they arrest your husband? If so, did you follow through and tell the district attorney you wanted to press charges? If an arrest wasn't made, I am mighty curious as to why not, because as I said, in ANY jurisdiction across this country what you are describing is an assault - which is a crime.
Here's one thing you can absolutely do - the next time he puts his hands on you and injures you, get yourself to a safe place (even if it's a locked room), call 911 and tell the dispatcher your husband has assaulted you. When the police respond, tell them you want him arrested; then follow through! If you decide to "take him back" - for whatever reason - you are encouraging his behavior. If he is deemed incompetent to stand trial, he will be held in a psychiatric hospital. If you have a cell phone, make sure it is ALWAYS with you and ALWAYS charged. If you find yourself without a phone, get yourself out of the house - even if it's after he's asleep - get yourself to a neighbor's home, or to a store, or any safe place where there are other people and ask to use a phone, or for them to call 911 for you. Have the police arrest him when they respond.
After he's arrested, when you speak with the district attorney, tell them what you have told us about your precarious living situation - if you are in/near a large, urban area (such as Atlanta), I would bet there is some sort of victim's compensation fund that should be able to assist you with finding a place to live. You are by far the first woman in a precarious financial situation that has been in an abusive relationship and has found assistance to be able to safely leave the relationship. If you still fear him, tell the DA you want an order of protection against him - in many jurisdictions it's standard protocol to issue an OP telling the defendant they have to maintain a certain distance from the victim, especially in cases of domestic violence. An order of protection isn't a guarantee of safety, but it is another tool law enforcement has to arrest him if he violates it.
Then you get your share of the money, and find a different place to live, and leave no forwarding address to either him OR his family. If you are having any income -be it SS, a pension, disability, whatever - direct deposited into an account with his name (or both your names) call whoever is making the deposit and tell them you want it to go into a different account - one with ONLY your name on it. That way he has NO legal access to it.
You have to understand that a forum of anonymous strangers can offer you advice and sympathy for your plight, but in order to get safe and away from this person YOU need to be proactive and find out what services are out there for you to take advantage of. And you have to stay resolute in your decision to follow through with prosecution and not take him back for any reason, be it financial or emotional.
You should speak with a divorce lawyer immediately - get a consult (there's usually no charge) - and explain to the lawyer everything you've expressed in this post. They can also do a forensic search if your husband has transferred any funds. DO NOT tell your husband that you're speaking with a lawyer - now is the time that you need to focus on your own wellbeing, and you need to be as secretive and private with your plans as he's been to you.
This is no marriage that's worth saving - it's a disaster waiting to happen and you need to save yourself. The lawyer should be able to provide proper steps that you can protect yourself thru this.
Seriously stop speaking to his family members - and your analyzing why he is the way he is is irrelevant - he's a terrible person and that's all you need to know. Your last sentence - "I don't know what to do with the man with the manipulative family." I have two words in response - GET OUT! That's what you do - Get Out Of It!
Be very careful in the interim - there's a better life out there for you. Begin planning your steps - you'll feel empowered in the end - you deserve so much better.
Wishing you strength, clarity and a better new beginning - you can do it ~
Perhaps we should leave OP to digest the good advice so far, and return with answers. That's also a reasonable way to help if it's all true.
That accomplished do see a divorce attorney and begin a suit for divorce, legal separation and a division of finances.
You are a bright and educated woman who has knowingly done what you have done to end yourself up where you are. This won't have any miraculous fix, and as Dr Laura often says "Not everything can BE fixed".
Do understand that when you come to a Social Media Forum you will get a whole variety of advice. We used to have NeedHelpWithMom here (I miss her) and she was unfailingly kind. Some of us are a bit more into the "tough love" approach. I myself think we do posters little good giving sympathy when what they often need--imho-- is to be shaken up a bit so that past habits don't predict future actions. If you find advice helpful, pick it up and use it. If you find it not helpful, say so and move on. If you find someone purposely cruel or offensive then there is a little report button to press below responses and our admins are almost always very responsive.
But that being said, I'm saddened by some of the comments regarding accusations of "sarcasm" ...and the "If you're looking for sympathy and people to feel sorry for you, I don't think you'll find much of either of that here"...and "martyr" comment.
Someone was reaching out for help and is currently in a very tough situation - and in return, there was a lot of truly great advice for her to utilize. But why couldn't it have just stopped there? On one hand, there's great guidance for her - while having to point out that "this is her own doing" and "it's her fault for bad decisions"...etc. I think it was unnecessary to pour salt in the wound - we've all made bad decisions, right...so, why not just give someone some grace rather than their having to become defensive and having to explain themselves and their decisions.
Just think about feeling so broken and vulnerable while being a newcomer to a Forum. The "tough love" is really just a nice term for not being so nice.
Anyway, I just wanted to share my thoughts - I still love you all ~
Someone who gives over financial control to an abusive husband isn't acting normally when they are educated and have a masters in Nursing.
There are ways to report someone for child pornography. They include the FBI.
There are divorce attorneys who will help you get charge of your own finances and monies and half the assets of the marriage.
Yet every suggestion gets shot down with the fact that no one will help.
And to be honest, Police? APS? etc? I don't believe that no one will help OR we are missing a lot of the story.
And yes, someone who stays with an abuser, both physically and mentally abusive who is also abusing CHILDREN through child pornography? You are correct. That isn't a Martyr. That is someone complicit in abuse of children in my own opinion.
I do not think, as I have said many times on our forum, that we help people with non-judgemental sympathy. I think that often people need to be shaken out of habitual ways of behaving that are harming them and in this instance HARMING SMALL CHILDREN.
I appreciate your concern. Our OP now has someone trying to shake her up enough to call the FBI, report abuse, go to a divorce attorney, and someone who is sympathetic to her. I will be more sympathetic, I believe, when I hear that this madman is reported for abusing children.
I know you are only sharing your thoughts, and good on you for that. You are being an advocate, and I know B. appreciates it. But I remain firmly ensconced in how I feel about these postings.
I strongly suggest you reach out to the West Georgia Domestic Violence Shelter (www.westgaadv.org) for help with your situation. They can probably give you much more practical advice about what you are going through, including getting help and finding resources locally.
From their website:
"Carroll County Emergency Shelter is a non-profit, Domestic Violence Shelter located in Carrollton, Georgia serving the Counties of Carroll, Heard, Haralson, Coweta and Meriwether."
Our number one goal remains the same to provide safe shelter and supportive services to victims of domestic violence in our five rural counties."
It would at least be a place to start for help.
I would encourage you to be very careful about sharing the child pornography that you took a picture of. You will be charged with distribution of child porn if you share it. It is a law.
I, honestly, can NOT believe that you told the police that he was buying child porn, with proof and they just ignored you. I would be contacting their boss and get this scumbag you married off the streets and maybe the sobs that are distributing this garbage.
Sorry, if someone sees this stuff and doesn't report it, they are as culpable as the sob in the pictures/video with the child, as is every pos that looks, buys or is involved in anyway. These are children's lives at stake!
Please do the right thing for these young victims.
Please get yourself to a woman's shelter (see below). They have experience dealing with abusive situations and can help you to get out of this mess and build a new life for yourself and your dog, You can't change others, only yourself. If what you have been doing isn't working, which is obviously the case, you need to try something different.
Reach out to agencies for women who are being abused and let us know what happens.