My husband is overwhelmed with health issues of his own...he is in his 70's. Mom still expects him to do everything. Any advice?

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My husband is overwhelmed with health issues of his own...he is in his 70's. Mom still expects him to do everything. Any advice?

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His mom still expects him to do everything in her house when he doesn't even take care of things in our own house... we hire outside help. She will NOT let ANYONE else in her home to help her, what should we do? The situation is getting out of hand and my husband's health is at risk. I have never gotten along with her so it is impossible for me to talk to her. Please help.

(This question is being asked by a wonderful friend that has not yet decided to join this group, I hope everyone out there can give her wonderful suggestions and bring her along to join us and she can get some support like I have;)

Care Decisions Family Caregiver Mom

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Sooo many folk on this forum have similar situations.

The person/s providing help get a say in how it is provided (unless paid employees).

Time for a sit-down chat. Gently spell that out. Mum let's talk about helping us ALL here.

This is your life, not a war... but your life has been invaded. Time for negotiations. If they fail, time for barriers. Big & often NO. Saying no often breaks down the wall of 'family only' and outside help has to be accepted. I call the last battle 'accept help or move' to a nursing home - your choice. (I write from the battlefield today...)

Hard to say no to a little old 90+ year old? You betcha! But it will help them ALL in the long run. Otherwise, he burns out/gets ill. Is DIL going to step into his boots & go fix her house?? As a widow... Nope.

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I just remembered asking my husband if his parents were going to pay our bills if he got injured cleaning out their gutters when we were paying someone to clean ours. Because if he got injured, he couldn’t work, and our bills would get paid. Jellyfish Joe / Spineless Sam had a mumbled excuse. The 2nd time I said it, it was in their presence. Yup, they weren’t happy & that started the “she’s such a witch”, etc. slope. A slope which now is my peaceful existence because I am completely out of the picture. He now arranges for someone paid to do (they must have the cash in hand or it won’t get done) & he is there supervising the work. Win-win all around.

(9)

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Would she understand if you told her that her son was sick? Being a mother, maybe her protective instincts would kick in and she would not want to ask him to do anything that might hurt him, it's worth a try.

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They don't get this - my mother says things like, Oh dear your poor back, or your legs are really bad to day, followed by, I have left my card for the hospital on the side so you don't forget it - all in one breath. They can see a problem but no logic or idea that what they demand may have an impact on it or that is should effect what they need. Had to call an ambulance the other night for potential sepsis (the Dr actually called it) she said, I thought the cat was out when the light went on and off. Just don't get it.

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Will he tell her no? Would he tell her he can't come today because he is not feeling good? A couple of replies like that might let her know he is ill.

If he won't say no, your conversation needs to be with him (not her). If you cannot convince him to say no - based on his health and the fact he doesn't even do things around his own house - then this might be something that will continue until he realizes on his own that he is incapable of doing so.

If it's something small that needs to be done, set aside your own animosity with her and go do it yourself and tell her you came because he's not well. Maybe if she sees others can do certain tasks the door might open to allow others in her house.

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My uncle passed away of a heart attack at 62 when he was mowing the grass at his 90 year old father's house. Hire help.

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Turn it over to: The Agency on Aging and
keep him from going over there fixing things.

Good luck

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Sounds like a useful organisation - are they country wide or just in one state etc.

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Just say "Your son is not physically able to maintain the duties at your home. You must ask someone else as your son is ill. Surely you must see that he is struggling."

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Sometimes we have to JUST SAY NO. Something like -- I'm sorry but I'm not able to do these things because my health issues. My doctor has recommended that I avoid situations that aggravate my health and safety. I will find a qualified contractor to do things as needed. And I will be present when they are there.
She won't like it, but she will get used to it. And the only way she will get used to it is for him to stick to the plan.
Sometimes when I tell Mother NO, she says, "I know you hate me." But I stick to my guns. Otherwise, she will think she can guilt me. I'm the mommy now. 😂

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I don't think it's a matter of 'we' saying no. It's 'he' needs to say no and doesn't appear he's willing to do that.

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My 96 YO FIL still calls hubs 62 and hubs cousin 70 to do stuff at his house,, where he supports his other son and DIL fully. They have refused, saying its the other sons problem to deal with as he lives there rent free and will inherit the house. THey are happy to take him places, visit him.. but no way are they laying hundreds of yards of mulch, etc at their ages! He also thinks they are in their 40s ,, but in his defence I also think he wants more company! But his constant neediness just makes my hubs at least avoid the phone

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Your friend will need to convince hubby that this needs to stop first. The best way to do that is to say if this leaves him disabled or worse, WHO will do these things for your mother? Certainly not your friend!

Once that is ironed out, he will need to bring the help over (not send them over without his presence) - he is to stay hands-off, direct only, supervise, but NO doing the work. If need be, keep her "occupied" or take her out while the work is done. In addition, he'll have to come up with a way to get mom to pay for the work done. You only say that the friend's MIL won't let anyone into her home, so if HE brings them would that work? There is no mention of whether there is payment for any work done by hubby. That would be another hurdle to get over. If she generally pays him, he can just give it to the hired help. If she expects it for free, sorry mom, we're on fixed income, cannot afford to buy the materials!

MIL needs to understand (once HUBBY understands) that he cannot continue to do this kind of work at his age and physical condition and if she refuses, she either gets no work done on the place OR she moves to a place where the structure is cared for by others (55+ condos, apartments, AL, etc.)

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First enlist the help of the doctor in talking with her. If all attempts to get her to be reasonable and fair, then YOU and your HUSBAND have to take strong measures with no if's, and's or but's. You tell her in no uncertain terms things are going to stop NOW and from now on these are the new RULES. If she still does not cooperate, THEN WALK AWAY - LET HER BE IN HER OWN MESS. It is hard but necessary. If all else fails, tell her she is going to be placed into a facility. That should help. But be prepared to walk away - it will take guts but it will save your sanity and your husband. People like this are not worth the effort it takes to keep them in your lives.

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Talk to or write your husband's doctor about your concerns. Let his doctor tell him he is not to do these things. Then when he tells his mother that his doctor has advised against the extra work, the doctor can be the bad guy.

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Very good answer. My doctor told the HR department where I worked that I needed disability accommodation. They obliged by firing me.

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foxxmolder, ask your friend if there ever was a tradesman at her Mom-in-law's house long ago that Mom-in-law liked?

Why I asked is because my Mom was still asking Dad to fix things around the house. He could fix anything, but once he was in his 80's, his balance and eye-sight made it difficult for him. Poor Dad, Mom was nagging him.

Anyway, many years ago my parents had a painter who they would trust big time. Even gave him the keys to the house if they weren't home so he could paint. So what I did was call the painter and ask for recommendation for a plumber, electrician, etc.

Well, being the trademen were recommended by the painter, all was ok with the world. The electrician was great, my parents really liked him. Same with the other tradesmen.

Your friend may need to use "therapeutic fibs" to get Mom-in-law to call a tradesman by saying so-and-so highly recommended this person, even if they didn't.

As to why your friend's Mom-in-law is doing what she is doing is because she doesn't see her son as being a senior citizen, except she still sees him as being a young 30 year old who could fix anything. That is what happened to my Dad, as Mom still thought he could leap tall buildings in a single bound.

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Time for mom to get on with reality - I bet if she was asked that she would not give his right age as in her mind he is young - I asked my mom how I was & she was off by 20 years

He needs to say 'NO' to her when she asks but that is probably another issue - she has him where she wants him - but he needs to realize if he goes down sick/hurt she will alone so by him agreeing to these demands, at the detriment of his own welfare, then he is not acting in either his or her best interest

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Funny you say that about how they might view you. Even with dementia, mom does often acknowledge that she is in her 90's (doesn't know exact age), however she has been asking if we see her parents, asks the staff to call her parents, etc...

Yesterday they had a BBQ at her place. She has little/no hearing, so I use a Boogie Board (LCD screen) for communication that can't be lip read or pantomimed. In the sleeve, I found 4 lollys... Asked her who those are for and she replied "my kids, if they are around." Ummm, your kids??? I pointed to myself and she just asked if my kids were around. So I realized I am in some kind of alternate universe now, where my adult and child selves can co-exist!

Maybe I can trade places with my child self (but retain the wisdom gathered over the years) and get a do-over!!!! :-)

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“Adult child in lieu of a paid professional” was, basically, my MIL’s & FIL’s identity.

For 50+ years, every home repair and modification was a clumsy, 2-or-3 generation DIY job.

A qualified plumber/HVAC/electrician/roofer/general contractor never set foot on my in-laws’ property. My in-laws never had a door/window/appliance delivered and/or installed.

Nope. That’s what adult sons are for.

It transcended poor-mouthing. Moaning and groaning about money was just the ruse.

My in-laws’ prime directive was The Attention Show.

MIL & FIL had 3 grown sons who lived within 10 miles of them. (The Golden Child - son #4 - lived at home his entire adult life and was exempt from any sort of contribution.)

The predictable pattern: Spin the chore wheel. Start working the phone. Pit “the boys” against each other.

If Target #1 said no, it was inevitably his wife’s/girlfriend’s fault. (No matter what the real reason was. Up to and including being out of town.)

Call Target #2 with the job request + a verbal smear of Target #1 and his entire household.

If Target #2 didn’t deliver, Target #3 got the “you’re my last hope” shtick. Buttered up with unflattering tales about how #1 & #2 had the audacity to coach his kids’ soccer team... or take a vacation... or have a Crohn’s disease flare-up.... or be up to his armpits in his own home maintenance. Masterminded by #1’s & #2’s dreadful women. Always.

When we were younger, it was “just” MIL’s & FIL’s annoying tic. Time went by. We got older. We gained perspective.

And we all decided [in our own individual ways] that this contest was not worth winning.

After the a decade - then 2 decades - it became impossible to ignore how infrequently the phone rang to congratulate a grandkid on a good report card. Or ask how our grueling jobs were going. Or offer help/support after a surgery. Or invite us to do something - anything - with them that did not involve a ladder and a toolbox.

MIL & FIL were incapable of recognizing what they created. Where were the warm fuzzies they saw on TV? And heard about from their peers (who got off their duffs and attended a grandkid’s hockey game or high school/college graduation once in a while)??

Return on investment, geniuses. Treat your offspring as unpaid staff, and they’ll eventually respond with “take this job and shove it.”

Worth noting: The love was always there. We’re not ogres.

But MIL & FIL lacked the emotional generosity to sustain dynamic, rewarding relationships. And all the toilet installations and drywall projects in the world couldn’t fix that.

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Your last sentence got me thinking... Often husbands get out of things like laundry chores by screwing it up... maybe a bad installation or two would reduce or eliminate the calls to action!!! It could work... Maybe worth a (sloppy) try or two...

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He only has one Mother. Backoff

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Really? He's supposed to put his own health at risk and his wife is supposed to stand by and watch? Who do you think is going to end up taking care of him if he declines due to this? Children, especially adult children, are not built in unpaid help. I hope these attitudes are dying off with the older generation. You don't have children with the expectation that they are at your beck and call to do exactly what you want. Clearly many people should just not have children.

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It resolves itself when the money runs out. Great to have a husband still that lives with the situation. Does he take medication?

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The thing is, by letting her husband (not) handle it he might die of a heart attack before he sees the light. She needs to grab the phone and tell her no.

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Go to his doctor. She is abusing him & controlling him. I hate to say this, but she has no right to treat him like this when his health is at sake. JUST SAY NO!!

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My aunt (I call her my aunt but she’s really my husband’s aunt) had no children of her own but 10 nephews she helped raise.
When she needed something done, she would say, we’ll get the boys to do it. I would say “ The BOYS are all in their 60’s and have heart problems”!!
Three of them have since died, including the one she had digging a grave for her beloved dog after it died. He was on a heart transplant list within a couple of years of then and knew he was doing something foolish at the time.
She is 92 now and my husband and one other are the only two she still sees on a regular basis. All of them have heart and other health issues. Four can’t or shouldn’t drive. So imagine, in her mind she had the equivalent of 10 sons and None are able to do manual chores for her anymore. They would have never turned her down. She would never see them as anything but able. I just took it over.
Have your husband take his “helper” or his “friend” with him and get the chores done. Tell mom he needs money for “parts” and get it done. If the “parts” are too expensive she can look elsewhere for help. He will be amazed at how easy it will be once he decides he can no longer do the chores alone. She probably does need him there to direct the work. Good luck.

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That is a perfect solution in my estimation! Take his little helper!
great advice

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. My mother expected us to do things that only a 20 year old could do. Yes Handymen are expesive but no matter how you wish you could still do thing it's not worth the risk. Maybe some day there will be organizations that will help elderly people with repairs as they help low income. Or maybe Grand-children can pitch in. (What???) We have no help at all form my brother kids . They are in their 30's nd 40's. If you're able to take your family member to dinner while work is being done. Surprise!

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Needs to be in a home before she kills your husband. He would be doing too much if she were helpful but with her attitude he is doind way way too much and its not going to be a positive outcome for him. Get her into a facility.

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Even when my FIL was alive, MIL would con my husband to do normal maintenance and emergency repairs around their house. Her reasoning was “because of their age” (younger than we are now). Hubs at first was flattered & because he was younger & had 3 sons helping, he could do it. Then it slid to me helping in other areas.

When WE started hiring outside help for our home & he would do the same things at their home, I put my foot down. Frankly, I didn’t care what they or anyone else thought. Him doing those chores for them when he was paying someone else to do them at our home affected us in many different ways.

Suddenly, I was back to being “that witch”, ungrateful (for what?), and worse. Forget all that I did in the previous 10 years — I guess it was expected. Anyway, hubs was now on his own with helping them, which made him realize he couldn’t do it all. He had to say no. His compromise was to arrange for help and be there when the work was being done. MIL did try saying they didn’t have the money, blah blah blah. Hubs response was if they couldn’t afford to stay in that home, then time to downsize. Suddenly they found it.

I couldn't change them; I could only change my reaction. Hubs couldn’t find the strength to change himself until circumstances changed. MIL & 2 SILs (FIL has since passed away) now are totally feeling the brunt of me no longer helping. I, meanwhile, feel like I have been liberated. People are commenting how relaxed we both are.

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Good for you! You make sense to me - people still don’t realize / You reap what you sow!

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When my FIL died my MIL did exactly the same thing. 1.5 hr round trip Then she started getting him to do things for her elderly neighbours. So one day she rang and told me to tell “her son” that she needed whatever and I just said No. He’s too busy working and then I just wouldn’t pass the messages on to him. It didn’t take long for her to work it out. She sold up and bought a very nice flat

you and your husband (you know this means you, right) just have to start saying no

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It is not impossible for your friend to talk to her. It just means that there will be a row and the problem can’t be ignored. MIL should be told that either she hires people to do the things she needs, or she will have to go into care. Lay it on the line that your friend is not going to see her husband die because of his mother. Someone has to have the guts to front this, and if it can’t be your friend's husband perhaps it has to be her. Or can you think of someone else that can do the dirty work… even you! That's not such a bad idea anyway - the row will still happen, but as long as they don't back off, it is there on the table without either of them being 'at fault'.

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Try hiring a handyman to come to your home and make the repairs that hubby can’t or won’t. With the prices they charge, I’d be willing to bet hubs will be making the repairs to his house himself.

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Please read her question again. Her "hubs" can no longer do the things he could do even 5 years ago

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Since it is your husband and his mother - let sonny boy tell her in his own time and own way what he is capable and willing to do for her. Just ask hubby if he wants any help from you scheduling professionals for mom's house. If he doesn't ask for your help or input, let them handle it.
My hubby and his mom also started down this same route about 10-15 years ago. In the end, I was the one handling both of their affairs. Mom in law has passed now (she made it to 97), and hubby is now completely reliant on my caregiving. It will all work out in the end if you stay in the background and just offer help when they ask. Good Luck.

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I do hope that the care your husband now needs has not been made worse by the waiting on his mother he did.

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It is up to him to say no, if he is too weak to stand up to her, nothing will change. This is not an uncommon problem, many men don't have a backbone when it comes to their mothers.

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I too didn't have a great relationship with MIL. I was nice to her but I never loved her. Hard to explain. I allowed my husband handle his Mom in his way. TG she lived in Fla or once his Dad died he too would have been going things for her.

Time for you to step up to the plate since he won't. You need to tell her that at 70 your husband is a Senior too. As such he is slowing down. He can't do what he did 10 yrs ago. He, like her, is aging to. And if there is a health problem with him, tell her. Tell her u don't want to lose him because he is caring for two households. She needs to pay help. But, if your husband is like mine, he won't appreciate u saying anything. So, drop a hint every so often.

This is coming from an almost 70 yr old married to a 72 yr old who is just realizing his limits.

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Sometimes we have to step back and let the senior fail before they will make any changes.

It is difficult but it is a must if it is effecting your husbands health.

What would her options be if he dropped dead? Maybe a family friend could help her understand that she looses everything if something happens to him, so he should be handled with care.

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My husband is overwhelmed with health issues of his own...he is in his 70's. Mom still expects him to do everything. Any advice?

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