My mom's body belongs in a NH but not her mind. She makes me feel so guilty, what do I do??
My mom has a good mind, but her body makes it near impossible for her to live alone. If I had the money, of course I would move her to a senior apartment with a full time nurse. But I don't. And I am not going to give up the next 20 to 30 years of my life being her nurse. Im sorry, I'm not that type of person and I am too young.
Maybe someday when I DO have money (from spending my life working rather than being a nurse) I can change her living situation.
She calls me all the time telling me how awful it is there. How some old lady down the hall screams all day. How the staff don't pay good enough attention. How she doesn't have any money....
I feel bad but what can I do? buy lottery tickets while I try to build my career? A lot of misfortunes, bad decisions, and general bad luck led her and my dad to have not a single penny and horrible health - a lot of those issues affected my childhood and yes, I am resentful.
I just feel so bad for her, but I'm done picking up after her. As far as I can see, she can either make the best of her situation or... be bitter about it. I've talked with professionals and with my mom's many siblings, and we all just think she's better off in the NH even though she's unhappy. How awful is that?
There has to be solution but I don't see one and really neither does anyone else except my mom who wants to be out on her own even if it means certain demise from falling or god forbid what else.
Just kind of hopeless right now. Please don't judge me. I was my mom's nurse for several weeks after my first year of college and she was WAY better then, and it was not good for either of us both mentally and with physical safety.
Your parents are so young. Really, to be having health problems this drastic. The NH would not except her and Medicaid would not be paying for her care if both didn't feel she was where she is suppose to be. Have you been blunt with Mom. Sometimes you have to be to get across to them. "Mom, you are where you are because of the choices you made along the way that have now effected your health. I can't help you anymore. I need to earn money to secure my future. I can't do that and worry about you"
I don't see where that is selfish. We all have to look toward the future as its up to us to make sure we are happy and secure. If someone comes along that want to share that with us and care for us, thats just icing on the cake.
Your parents will never get better and Mom can't be trusted on her own. Again, be blunt. Tell her she needs to except this is now her life and to make the best of it, And if she wants you to visit, then she has to stop the harassment.
Your mom still has her mind and can make decisions for herself. If she doesn't like the placement she has, she can ask for a lateral transfer to a different place. What she can't do is ask you to drop everything and become her caregiver. I know lots of people on this forum have chosen to do that for their parents. They've given up their jobs, their homes and negatively impacted their marriages and families because that's what they have decided they need to do. They aren't wrong. But neither are you. There isn't anything wrong with letting other adults have the responsibility for their own lives.
It sounds like you might benefit from a few sessions with a counselor because letting people you love live the consequences of their decisions can be really painful. Check at work to see what's available to you in the Employee Assistance Program.
Mom is angry at the whole world right now. My husband was in a facility where a woman who had a stroke screamed all day as well. The staff tried to comfort her to no avail. They finally wound up shutting the door to her room. When I visited, I’d also shut his door and turn the tv up.
You know, you don’t have to listen to her kvetching. Smell something burning on the stove and tell her you need to go. It’s ok to make her not your top priority and make yourself #1. It’s. Really. Ok.