Wow what to ask first so many questions....
My mother sees people that have passed on, us kids when we were very young, she gets upset when we don't see them/ especially at my dad he is with her most of the time. She believe's she is in her home town most of the time. She won't leave the house for fear someone may come while they are gone like her parents, or someone is going to take all her stuff. She won't let my dad work on/do things around the house she say's her daddy is going to do that. How do we deter her away from this? She don't remember how to cook, won't take showers / just sponge bathe, she is starting to forget where the bathroom is from time to time.
My dad her husband is someone else a lot of times, I'm not her daughter most of the time, I'm a friend from school or someone who is trying to take control of everything...it is getting hard to do things for them like doctor visits bills anything important, my youngest brother has to do most of it. If I talk about any of these things in front of her she will get very upset at dad and take's it out on him when I'm gone. So other than do things behind her back/over the phone with dad, What other way is there to take care of things? Thank you all in advance
A few suggestions for you..
Redirect her when you can. This can save a lot of frustration on everyone's part.
When your dad tries to fix something have him tell mom..your dad asked me to fix this, he will come by later to make sure I did it right.
The visitors she has, if they do not frighten her or up set her don't try telling her she is not seeing them or it is her imagination. You will NEVER win an argument with someone with dementia.
Get a caregiver in to help out. She may say she does not want anyone to help, but this is for you and your dad as much as it is for her.
A caregiver sometimes can get someone to take a bath or shower more easily than a family member.
Is the house set up for her safety? Get a shower bench or chair so that she does not have to worry about slipping. There are a lot of steps to taking a shower and she may be forgetting what step comes next. This is where a caregiver comes in handy.
Find a good support group.
Hand in there and keep reading the questions and answers.
Another wonderful read is the book Still Time by Jean Hegland, about the mind of a Shakespearian Professor afflicted by Alzheimer's. While fiction it is a great read and Ms. Hegland spent many years volunteering in Memory care before writing it.
It is so difficult if you are attempting care in your own home, and it may not be always possible to do so. It is some slight comfort that when you Mom DOES go to Memory Care she will likely find there a whole other set of interesting people she assigns her own identities to, and will perhaps not be overly distraught.
It is a painful thing to lose a family member, yet have them still there. It is frustrating and heartbreaking. Do what research you can. Be forgiving of her and of yourselves. Wish you so much luck.
My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.