I am an only child. My stepfather passed six years ago, and my daughter passed away from HBP three months after we moved Mom across the country almost five years ago. Although I can be consulted about my mother's health I do not have medical power of attorney unless she becomes unable to respond. However, God has blessed her at 88 years old with relatively good health, she just has diabetes and she is a cancer survivor. She has the services of CNA, RN, and OT PT as in home care givers. However, she panics if I need care - (cold, head ache, physical therapy (and initiates 911 crisis, she will not use her emergency alert but calls me and yells and demands I help- I call 911 if the complaint requires it. However, she would do this when she lived 1500 miles across the country and my father was alive and able.) So far, nothing is wrong i.e last week I had minor breast surgery and biopsy. I go for my follow up tommorow so send good vibes. Anyway, second night after the surgery my Mother calls me and just yells "Help" and basically is both hysterical and angry. I called 911 and had my granddaughter drive me because of possible seat belt injury to surgical area. Long story short. No evidence of fall, good CT and blood work showing nothing of concern except mildly elevated glucose. I don't know what to do when she reacts like this. It is as if she feels she has to compete for her care, which is excellent, with my health or even that of my children or grandchildren. I am starting to feel guilty about self care and on edge before daily visits, or phone calls. She has dementia, but it is consistent with aging as opposed to disease. I do realize that the move from her large home to an apartment was trumatic, however, she was found parked in the woods near her house with no idea of how she got there so we moved her to her own apartment here.
If not, move her again, this time to a place where there is someone on duty 24/7 such as a nice ALF.
If so, let whoever is in charge be in charge, and do not answer your mother's calls "out of hours" (and you decide on the hours).
I do not know how you are making decisions about what to do at the moment. For example, I cannot understand how a person can decide:
to call 911 (whatever did you tell the call handler?)
then to call her granddaughter
then to have herself driven to the scene of the ? emergency for which she had just called 911
in spite of needing to avoid pressure on a post-op site
and deciding therefore not to wear a seat belt.
What were the good outcomes that you were aiming for from any one of these decisions? Regardless of what actually happened (your mother was fine, thank God), what benefit or solution did you believe your actions would accomplish at the time? Please note: these are not rhetorical questions and I am not being rude. I genuinely think you would find it interesting and helpful to reflect on what actions you took, and on what the aim of them was, and then lastly on whether what you did was likely to result in what you wanted.
Your mother has dementia. She cannot be held responsible for anything that she does, nor for "planning" what she does. I suspect it is your anxiety that she's picking up on, possibly even your anticipation that she will "play up" when you are most under stress. This would be an almost perfect example of the self-fulfilling prophesy.
There are, judging by your account, several responsible family members and professionals who are able to take good care of your mother; and you must learn to let them. If you need help to step away from the drama, regain perspective, and build more effective boundaries, find a therapist who will work with you on better responses to your mother's behaviour.
In time, you may need to consider Assisted Living or Memory Care for your mother. In such a community, she will have 24/7 care which is not available at home. Plus, living alone for ANY part of the day/night is never a good idea for a person in your mother's state of mind; it's dangerous!
Best of luck!
You say you went to live with her when she was 31? So this means you didn't always live with Mom?
I would not tell her anything concerning your health. I would also ask your doctors office not to mention your appts to her. Which they shouldn't anyway.
It is excellent advice to see your own doctors, and to keep your info private, even down to the appointment time.
Have an excellent check up!
I am sorrry for your loss of a daughter. How awful. Yes, you need self care. Rest, care for self, no matter what is going on with mother, because she'll need you later.
It is an annoying feeling, to feel like you do not have privacy. I guess small towns are charming in some ways and annoying in other ways.
in my opinion you do have the ability to distract her, consider that a luxury. Obviously medication can be used, not ideal but as I age mine have worsened to a point that I foresee unimaginable things happening (I’m talking about the most far fetched crazy things that scare me and I lock up on my bed for hours) so please don’t dismiss her anxiety. Ask Dr if she could benefit from medication, keep your own medical situation to yourself and by all means HANDLE your health and well-being first and foremost without guilt.
i can tell you 1 single thing that can help... warm-hot blankets. Rotate 2 in the dryer and swaddle her until her temperature is past warm. It’s the only non medicinal way I’ve pulled myself and others out of it. If she starts having physical symptoms it’s going to be bad, head shaking, cold hands, pacing, crying. Wrap her in hot blankets until she relaxes, normally I will not get another one in the same day. It’s certainly no cure all but it works well on everyone I’ve shared it with. Bless you for all you are handling, I hope it helps even in the smallest way so you can concentrate on you.