She is currently in a respite care/assisted living facility nearby, as she recently fell on her knee, which aggravated her osteoarthritis in both knees. She is using wheelchair/walker. Our house is not handicap accessible and has steps/no grab bars in bathrooms but only the handles on the sides of the toilet. Her bedroom and bathroom for a shower is upstairs. Also, she gets up multiple times per night to go to the bathroom so if she ever came home, we would never sleep for fear of her falling.
I have been the primary caregiver for the last three years doing everything for her as there are other health issues (I.e., diabetic/insulin shots, Macular degeneration, Dr appts, etc.). So yes, I have created a monster (expectation of immediate dedicated care). She is a strong willed, independent person and we are approaching the idea that it is safer, and she may need to stay there, but she is very resistant. What is the best approach to get her on board? My next step will be to bring the doctor/physical therapist into the conversation and let them be the bad guys to say she cannot come home safely, and then we can make her feel better by saying she can come home for the day during holidays or other family events if she is on the walker.
Her proposed residential care site NEEDS to BECOME HER HOME.
How did you become the “designated caregiver”? Did you offer?
Does anyone in this care giving process have POA?
Does “age related decline” mean symptoms of forgetfulness, overt hostility, refusal to participate in therapies? All or any of those may be symptoms that the “independence” at home that she says she wants are reachable goals for her.
Then there’s this- YOU have cared for her for three years in a set up in your home that was less than ideal for her VERY COMPLEX NEEDS.
You soldiered on, and you are weary and afraid that if you continue to be her primary source of care and attention, your situation AND HERS, could quickly become much worse. She is NOT an “independent person”. She may once have been, but no longer. And that means that her ability to participate in decision making is no longer appropriate to leave in the thoughts of “the monster” BECAUSE YOU AND YOUR FAMILY COUNT TOO.
You have reached a point that many of us ultimately reach. I gained 60 VERY UNWANTED POUNDS and added a sleep disorder before I placed my mother, the most stubborn woman who ever walked the earth, in a very good SNF, where she lived over 5 happy and contented years before her death at 95.
SO- stop trying to figure out how to continue to let her rule your household, and allow her to be placed in the very best near by facility you can find.
Allow HER to adjust to her “new life”, STAY AWAY from the facility if they ask you to do so, until she realizes that this is now her “HOME”, and NEVER AGREE to any or visits or treats.
“We’ll see what ‘they’ think…” works. Blame doctors, therapists, whoever, but don’t commit to ANYTHING that you can’t or won’t be able to do.
BE STRONG. You’ve paid your dues for THREE YEARS. It’s time for a change. Make one.
You've done your due diligence; it is time for her to be placed where she can be well taken care of from a safety prospectus.
I found that once I was labeled, I didn't get calls for assistance.
For me, win-win. Get your home back and no more manipulation, who can ask for anything more?
Can she afford in-home aids? Is she willing to wear an alert system 24/7? Can her home be rearranged so that her bedroom and bathroom are on the main level with no stairs? Is she doing her PT? If she's not willing to do those things, then staying at home will be unsafe. Yet, if you aren't her PoA (or she doesn't have one at all) and she doesn't have a diagnosis of cognitive/memory impairment, she gets to make her own decisions -- it just shouldn't include you as the solution.
Consider researching good, reputable care facilities that have a continuum of care. Make an appointment for just yourself for a tour, discuss price, Medicaid, etc. Take your own pics/video of the residents doing things together and show them to your Mom so she can see that modern facilities are not awful warehouses of the elderly. Help her figure out what she can afford and what happens if she runs out of money. Assure her you'll help her transition every step of the way and make it easy for her. If she still resists, it will become a waiting game for her next fall or medical incident. That's as much as you can do.
It does not matter what she wants, its what she needs. You should be enjoying your retirement years. She still has her independence. She will have her room. She can walk around the AL. She will have a social life, activities and entertainment. There is no talking her into it. She has no choice. This is how it has to be.
What you need to do is allow her to adjust. When u visit u do not need to stay long. I stayed no more than an hr. She needs to get used to the staff caring for her. If she calIs numerous times a day, put a stop to it. Tell her to take advantage of what the AL has to offer. Use the aides. If she gets mad, oh well.
Assisted Living is not some house of horrors that an elder is being "dumped off at", for petesake! It's a luxury environment where an elder gets care, meals, activities, entertainment, outings, and all sorts of other amenities too numerous to mention. We should ALL be so fortunate to be able to afford AL in our old age. Your MIL, at her age and in her level of need, is no longer capable of living with you and needs more care than one person can safely provide. She needs a team of caregivers working 24/7 to care for her now. Those that don't understand this need have a Superman complex or an extreme level of ego combined with ignorance blinding them to the reality that they're simply incapable of being All Things To All People At All Times. Fortunately, you have the intelligence and presence of mind to realize the need for AL for your loved one.
Get her doctor on board to explain the need to your mil and that at 94, it's simply too dangerous for her to live anywhere else but AL. Let her know you'll visit frequently, too, and then be sure you do. Before mom went into a wheelchair, I'd bring her to my house for Sunday dinners and holidays, then it got too difficult and she was too high strung when she did come over, and wanted to get back to her apartment almost immediately. By then her dementia had gotten pretty bad and she'd segued into Memory Care. So we'd bring the festivities to her instead in the library which was nice. You'll figure out what works.
Wishing you the best of luck.
She won't be safe at home and you and your dear husband (dh) can no longer be adequate caregivers.
There's no "convincing" her. YOU say "no, we can't do this anymore" and accept that she won't be happy with you.
You have to steel yourselves to not be afraid of her anger, her displeasure and her sadness.
Keep stressing the "unsafe" part of it, not that you need a life. She obviously doesn't realize or doesn't care that you are not having much of a life now as her caregiver.
Does H have POA/HCPOA?
How did she come to live with you and H?
Past post replies, just refuse to allow her back to ur home.. ur her only source of transportation.. Tour, choose the Al that has a bed available that u trust And that's the only place she will be driven to. Work with AL staff to get this transition done.. they have been through this before... Al staff will even go to meet with her at respite care center. When we toured the woman giving the tour said she gets embarrassed sometimes that an elder will be so polite, co-operative to her while just treating their LO like dirt.
She said the LO will ask what they r doing wrong...... Nothing it's just the way it is for most.
And the tours of AL will make this more real for u and ur husband.. and give u something to do besides worrying. Make u feel more in control in a situation u feel so out of control
Beatty, who posts here, says that "There will be no answers as long as YOU are all the answers". It is true.
This won't be easy. Habits have been formed on both sides. You might consider an few hours of time with a Licensed Social Worker in private counseling practice. They know the drill, they know the resources and they are best at counseling on life change work. My best to you.
Gena / Touch Matters
She will be angry and will carry on. You know her being in AL is what's best for her and everyone else.
Be plain in your speech when you explain to her and the administration of the AL that she is not coming back to live in your home then state the reasons why. It is not up for debate and do not allow your decision to be questioned.
There's no "bad guy" here. You're not taking her back and there's no blame here because it isn't wrong. It's the right decision and you do not have to justify it to anyone.
Make sure she knows that she's not going to miss out on anything like holidays or family events. It's not prison. People move to AL not as punishment but so they can live in safety and get some help with managing. It's for people who don't want to be a burden to their families and don't want to ruin their adult kids' lives by forcing them to become slaves to their neediness and demands. It's not a nursing home and it's not a memory care.
You're still independent, only with a little help.
She'll get over it.
@Cover999
The OP and her husband do not want the MIL coming back to live with them and they should not take her back.
How many loving and caring parent/adult child or SIL/DIL relationships with in-laws that were totally wrecked and devastated because they took on caregiving?
People get fooled when they hear the word "caregiving". It sounds wonderful, doesn't it?
I've seen so many families over the years destroyed by caregiving for an elderly parent or in-law. Loving marriages that broken beyond repair because of caregiving. Brothers and sisters at each other's throats over preserving inheritances or resentment going too deep for healing because one sibling gets saddled with all of it and the others don't get any.
CindyAL and her husband should keep the MIL in assisted living for their sake as well as hers.
we looked at many places and researched state reports. We found one close to several of the kids so we can visit often. And we made sure there were good activities almost every day. They have an activity director who organizes games and special events all week. We also met with all the staff and they had good positive attitudes. Dad has a nice suite with living area, kitchenette, bedroom and orivaye bathroom. We filled it with his and my late moms things from home. Parents can be resistant to an ALF as they remember the nursing homes in the 60s and 70s. Depressing. Get your mom involved in the decision. If you can, take her on the tours of the ones you narrow it down to. Tell her there is no choice but you want to find one she likes best. Maybe do a respite weekend so she can enjoy some of the activities and meals. Many offer that.
I realize some people think we 'owe' our parents, but now they live to 100 but lost their brain at 85. Bones are brittle, sight and hearing are gone, mobility is gone, bodily functions are not reliable and multiple aging diseases have to be managed - YOU cannot give your life up. So don't.
"How do I get myself on board?"
* You need to realize you/your husband are in control.
* Set your boundaries
* Expect 'kicking and screaming" - OF COURSE she'll be resistant... why wouldn't you expect this response?
* UNTIL and UNLESS you change your mindset, she will continue to do what she always does - she won't change.
THE BEST APPROACH:
1. Be clear
2. Be concise (don't make excuses)
2a. DO NOT give too many examples of 'why' (give one: it isn't safe for you to be in our home due to no wheel chair accessibility" - that's enough). Long explanations = feeling guilty or out of control of the situation, if not intimated).
3. Be firm
4. Do not argue.
5. Walk away as needed (as she'll want to engage / scream / argue - give her time to cool off / cool down.)
6. Make needed arrangements.
GOOD TO BRING IN THE PROFESSIONALS...
Realize there is NO easy answer to what she needs as she won't accept what she needs. DON'T MENTION THE HOLIDAYS YET. That won't register and she'll think why "JUST" the holidays. And . . .
If she can come home for the holidays, why can't she be there all the time?
Be very very careful what can of worms you open.
Gena / Touch Matters
Have " the talk" with her with Physician and case mgr support WHILE she is already in a facility.
Expect her to disagree, argue, pout, try the guilt trip on you and, overall not cooperate. This is normal and most families experience this in some fashion. She is grieving the changes that she realizes and her loss of control over her independence. You will likely feel some grief needing to make this decision for her safety and your well being. Focus on her safety....
Get support for her and yourself via your or her local faith clergy ( if you have one) or if not, access a chaplain who visits the facility. Also get the facility social worker involved and they should also be helpful sorting through the range of emotions, grief and needs for both the MIL and yourselves. Be kind to yourself....practice good self care... Do not cave in to bringing her back home unless you are prepared for making major changes continuously and allowing this to control you and your life instead of you controlling the situation for her safety and, your and your spouse / family health, survival and we'll being.
Best regards jnm
There are other options. You can look for in home care for her if you are no longer willing or unable to care for her.
An Elder Law Attorney can advise on all the issues that affect her and you. The financials will be very important in a proper placement. If your home is not up to ADA standards, then she really needs your attention in finding the nearest place to you, so that you can watch over her medical and emotional treatment.
She couldn't live on her own, so I put her in AL (eventually SNF). Of course, she was resistant as she was losing her independence, but she had lost that before she arrived at the facility. The only reason she was able to stay at home was because my dad did everything for her. I couldn't and wasn't prepared to do that.
Not only is AL the safest place for her, but it also ensures you can have your life back.