My mother complains about her incoming mail. She asks me to help to sort all, which I have, filed it, then I find on a return visit, she has misplaced it. She also accuses me with evening phone calls the day of the visit that I have taken her bank statements...etc. and other paperwork. The good thing is, I was proactive a few years ago and set up automatic payments from her checking account and her bills therefore, are up to date. How can I continue to help her, without being accused of taking her mail and personal documents?
If you go with safety deposit, be sure to have an alternate listed on it - in the event that something happens to you first... not that we want to think about that, but it does happen!
By doing this you are showing that her documents are very important & that you are respecting her - when you help her with paperwork take pix of all you file - tell her that's so you can help her when she has a question over the phone but it also shows where you left it
I'm wondering and will try next visit, to file her valuable papers, bank statements, marriage cert...etc. and place a large note on the file box stating " Helen, please leave these documents here in a safe place". If she will actually abide by that note? I wish it would work!
It's so exasperating & hurtful.
I actually temporarily forwarded her mail to me for about 1.5 months (I could not be there often enough to snag all the mail over the month) and took over all the bills. I contacted each place and had the billing address changed to me. She received notice of the temporary change and was mad - "I get more than bills in the mail" - yeah, a bunch of crap (flyers, various other junk mail, donation requests, etc.) I also had to get my brother to take her out for a while and go remove any/all paperwork to stop her digging through old crap. It caused another nightmare! I was going to suggest doing that, then YOU mail her a copy of each one, but then she might notice your address on the paperwork.
Another option, since she seems paranoid about the outgoing mail - perhaps a PO Box in her name? Then you could maybe pick up the mail once/week and go over it all? Show her the scheduled payments (which you could continue to show her.)
Even better - you can say that billing is all electronic now... everyone wants me to switch to E-Billing... If you did that, you can show her the statements online and print them if she wants it. Tell her the banks now require it!!!
As to meds - you need to remember she is not in charge but you are so hire the med people - tell her that it is manditory or you can go away for a few days & hire service while you're gone then say it's now permanent - if you go away tell her it was such a load off your mind that you decided to keep up med service for you not her
I do think she is grieving the loss of her independence, primarily because of the challenges she has with her short term memory. As her caregiver who wants to protect her and meet her every need, because of her difficulties, she may perceive me as taking away her sense of control in her life. I understand her frustrations with her limitations, I know Mom appreciates all that I do for her. As caregivers, how do we stay strong in the midst of our loved one’s emotional suffering?
My father had what appeared to be some sort of dementia the few days before he died in that he would ask over and over again about some financial matter. Eventually, I learned not to tell him he'd taken care of it, but to "call" the bank to check--sometimes two or three times an hour. Sometimes, the only think I can think of doing is lying.