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My mother blames me for everything and everything is my fault. She is just nasty to me, but I am the person who takes her places and brings her everything. Can I change her opinion?
Maybe she blames herself for some past mistakes and she is taking it out on you . Take a break and absence will make the heart grow fonder. Call her an Uber and tell her you can’t make it and fulfill all of her critical remarks . She will make a comment of which I would answer … JUST LIVING UP TO YOUR EXPECTATIONS… after all she obviously didn’t teach you to be kind of she has a nasty chromosome.
If she has dementia you can do nothing. My mom always blamed me for everything that went wrong in her life. She told me she hated me for sending her to rehab from the hospital. I tried explaining to her I had nothing to do with that. It makes for very hurt feelings when I was her primary caregiver arranging everything and anything she wanted or needed.
Remind yourself that her brain is unwell and if the visits are too nasty cut them short. When I put a little distance between us often visits were better.
You do not have any info in your profile or in your question so... If mom has dementia...no you can not change her mind. You can begin to change your reaction to what she says and does. Try to ignore it. If it gets upsetting and it is safe to do so walk out of the room. Get caregivers in to help you so you are not the only person she relies on.
If mom is cognizant then you can change your reaction to what she says by getting up and walking away. No argument. No discussion. Just say, "Mom I am not going to let you talk to me this way" . You can also stop doing all that you are doing for her on her time schedule, do what you want when it is convenient for you.
CTTN55, I don't understand this site as I cannot respond directly to your question.
"I'm glad you walked away, McDolly. What kind of care does your brother give your mother now?"
Here is what happened, my mother lived in NC, in the mountains, she refused to move to Florida with us. One had to be a billy goat to enter her home. Finally at age 94 she has a slight stroke and was afraid to stay alone at night, she kept calling the EMT's, they started charging her $600 each time.
That went over like a lead balloon, so my brother went there, scooped her up, I drove to her house and had her needed stuff moved, as I had found her an AL in Florida. Then we both went back, cleaned out her home and put it up for sale.
I did this all without talking to her, I worked with my brother. She is now 98 and in AL, she loves it. He has to visit her, take her to doctors appointments, shopping and so on. He has now decided that she is a real Beech, he is being verbally abused, day in and day out, welcome to my world bro!
That sounds like a great resolution all around. She's safe, you are out of the picture, and Golden Boy Brother gets to have the privilege (don't they say that's what it is?) of taking care of your mother now.
Be completely honest with yourself. Have you ever been able to persuade her in a positive direction? I bet that you haven’t been able to.
No one in this mighty big world has ever been able to ‘change’ anyone else’s behavior! This is especially true when people have Alzheimer’s disease. I’m sure that deep down you realize this.
Denial happens sometimes. We are hurting so badly that we WISH that we would have the power to change our situation. If you found that type of magic and bottled it up to sell, you would become a billionaire!
Wishing you peace as you continue on this difficult path.
Since you are the person she's around most of the time, she's going to blame you until she dies. It won't change.
If she's going to think you're wrong about everything, you can be wrong somewhere else. You could try telling her that and see what happens.
Probably nothing, but if you could snap a photo of her face when you say it and post it on your refrigerator, you'd be reminded WHY you want nothing more to do with her.
Amazon and Walmart will deliver everything she needs to her home. You order and schedule it. No more contact about that.
Check for a volunteer or paying driving service that takes seniors to appointments. No more contact about that.
Then you can go somewhere to find people who smile at you, say good morning, and inquire about how you're doing. Which will be fine once you drop the mother load.
i wish you could change her opinion. but you won't.
1. she enjoys blaming you. it feels a lot better to blame someone else, than to blame oneself. 2. you're a daughter. you're 1 of 80 trillion daughters in history, who're blamed by their mothers. 3. read number 2 again. in other words, this is very common. in other words, welcome to the club.
if at all possible, try to spend more time with positive people. negative people will always SUCCEED at dragging you down, no matter how positive you normally are. (sometimes you won't even realize you're being dragged down. for example, putting on weight, is being dragged down.)
if at all possible, try to ignore your mother's bad comments. it'll never stop. it'll get worse the older she gets. you're younger. she's jealous of your youth, beauty. she would treat you MUCH, MUCH better if you were a son. that's all it is.
putting on weight, is being dragged down = what i mean is, many people who're mistreated, put on weight. one has to find some way to deal with all that stress/abuse, and therefore some people use food to try to get away from all that negativity.
Oh, GOODIE. I have been looking for YOU all my life and it took me to 80 to find you. I have wondered long and hard who did it all wrong.
And, nope, you can't change it. She has it just as she likes it. You do everything. She punishes you.
It is solely up to you whether or not you stay in this relationship. For myself I would not. I only have relationships with decent loving people; it's how I like my life.
If she has Dementia, no you can't change her opinion of you. She also has probably lost the ability to empathize with u. She also can't appreciate what you do for her. If she was like this before Dementia, she will be worst after. Like small children, they become self-centered. So its you who has to learn just to let it go. Cut back on what you do for her. Do what you need to and walk away. You set boundaries for yourself. "Grey Rock" is a method so look it up.
Does Mom live on her own or in a facility? If alone she is eventually will need to be placed. On her own dime or on Medicaid. I would not take her in.
I wonder if the mother ever had any empathy for her daughter at any time. I know mothers like this because I have one. They never have a moment of empathy for their daughters at any time. Even when we're children. When there's a history, there should never be a daughter/caregiver-to-mom scenario.
I was the family scapegoat my entire life and my mother blamed all the world's woes on me somehow. I always took care of her and always gave her another chance. Until I didn't. You need to step back. It really makes no difference if her nasty behavior towards you is dementia-related or not. The way you step back is different though. It's still putting your mental and physical health at risk. Either way you step back from helping her. If she has dementia then she will either have to accept homecare aides doing for her or she will have to be placed in managed care. If she does not have dementia and is just a nasty mean person, leave her to it. Do not tolerate her verbal abuse, instigating, gaslighting, or anything else. Go completely 'Grey Rock' on her or don't communicate with her at all. Your mental and physical health is more important than being her caregiver. There is no way to change her opinion of you whether she has dementia or not. Any effort trying to is futile and will only end in you being more hurt and frustrated. It's time for you to step back and change the dynamic here before it changes you.
BarbBrooklyn has said everything you need to know with her first question.
Your mother is either the same person she always was, or she is no longer capable of regulating her discourse towards you.
If you can arrange for others to care for her (do what you’re doing now), AT HER COST, do that.
If you CHOOSE, for your own reason(s) to care for her, be sure that you have a good reason and a thick skin, and do that. If you make THIS choice, it will be YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to ignore her insults and defend your own feelings from her diatribes.
If she HAS diagnosed dementia, she isn’t expressing an “opinion”. She’s using her own habitual language without assessing the consequences of what she says, and not being able to filter.
This isn’t something you and change, and it’s a waste of your time and strength and endurance to try.
Practice ignoring. It feels better by far than believing that what she’s saying is a reflection of who you are or what you do.
It hurts but ignore it. It’s just the prattling of an old woman at the end of her life who needs to blame someone else for her misery. Change the conversation, get up and go into the other room, do not engage.
If dealing with her is becoming unbearable, tell her to pay others for the services that you are rendering for free.
You know you are not at fault and that’s all that matters.
I was always my mother's scapegoat, she was mean, manipulative to me, I did the most for her over and over again.
My brother lived his life, if he came to visit her 1 or 2 times a year it was like the return of the messiah, he is the golden child.
I stopped talking to my mother 12 years ago, now he is stuck with her as no other family members have spoken to her in 35 years.
Now I call him the 'Golden Goat". If you are a woman this is not uncommon behavior by a mother, we are to serve them, take their abuse and do whatever they say.
Sorry, I pass. You mother will not change, it is you who has to change, set boundaries and stick to them. No one has the right to abuse another.
I'm glad you walked away, McDolly. What kind of care does your brother give your mother now?
In my case, I ended up being reimbursed by one of the POA out-of-state brothers for my time at $20/hour, including back pay to when my mother's demands on my time really went up (when she gave up driving -- she didn't live with me or vice-versa; rather, she lived "independently" in her condo). When I'd requested compensation from her before my POA brother took over, she got mad at me and said, "You don't pay family!" Because I was being paid, I could consider it just a job.
And it was all gifted to me (no taxes). No problem, because my mother never would have qualified for Medicaid.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
Remind yourself that her brain is unwell and if the visits are too nasty cut them short. When I put a little distance between us often visits were better.
If mom has dementia...no you can not change her mind. You can begin to change your reaction to what she says and does. Try to ignore it. If it gets upsetting and it is safe to do so walk out of the room.
Get caregivers in to help you so you are not the only person she relies on.
If mom is cognizant then you can change your reaction to what she says by getting up and walking away. No argument. No discussion. Just say, "Mom I am not going to let you talk to me this way" . You can also stop doing all that you are doing for her on her time schedule, do what you want when it is convenient for you.
"I'm glad you walked away, McDolly. What kind of care does your brother give your mother now?"
Here is what happened, my mother lived in NC, in the mountains, she refused to move to Florida with us. One had to be a billy goat to enter her home. Finally at age 94 she has a slight stroke and was afraid to stay alone at night, she kept calling the EMT's, they started charging her $600 each time.
That went over like a lead balloon, so my brother went there, scooped her up, I drove to her house and had her needed stuff moved, as I had found her an AL in Florida. Then we both went back, cleaned out her home and put it up for sale.
I did this all without talking to her, I worked with my brother. She is now 98 and in AL, she loves it. He has to visit her, take her to doctors appointments, shopping and so on. He has now decided that she is a real Beech, he is being verbally abused, day in and day out, welcome to my world bro!
No one in this mighty big world has ever been able to ‘change’ anyone else’s behavior! This is especially true when people have Alzheimer’s disease. I’m sure that deep down you realize this.
Denial happens sometimes. We are hurting so badly that we WISH that we would have the power to change our situation. If you found that type of magic and bottled it up to sell, you would become a billionaire!
Wishing you peace as you continue on this difficult path.
If she's going to think you're wrong about everything, you can be wrong somewhere else. You could try telling her that and see what happens.
Probably nothing, but if you could snap a photo of her face when you say it and post it on your refrigerator, you'd be reminded WHY you want nothing more to do with her.
Amazon and Walmart will deliver everything she needs to her home. You order and schedule it. No more contact about that.
Check for a volunteer or paying driving service that takes seniors to appointments. No more contact about that.
Then you can go somewhere to find people who smile at you, say good morning, and inquire about how you're doing. Which will be fine once you drop the mother load.
Good luck with your new freedom!
but you won't.
1. she enjoys blaming you. it feels a lot better to blame someone else, than to blame oneself.
2. you're a daughter. you're 1 of 80 trillion daughters in history, who're blamed by their mothers.
3. read number 2 again. in other words, this is very common. in other words, welcome to the club.
if at all possible, try to spend more time with positive people.
negative people will always SUCCEED at dragging you down, no matter how positive you normally are. (sometimes you won't even realize you're being dragged down. for example, putting on weight, is being dragged down.)
if at all possible, try to ignore your mother's bad comments. it'll never stop. it'll get worse the older she gets. you're younger. she's jealous of your youth, beauty. she would treat you MUCH, MUCH better if you were a son. that's all it is.
but you keep being your beautiful self.
what i mean is, many people who're mistreated, put on weight. one has to find some way to deal with all that stress/abuse, and therefore some people use food to try to get away from all that negativity.
And, nope, you can't change it. She has it just as she likes it.
You do everything. She punishes you.
It is solely up to you whether or not you stay in this relationship. For myself I would not. I only have relationships with decent loving people; it's how I like my life.
Does Mom live on her own or in a facility? If alone she is eventually will need to be placed. On her own dime or on Medicaid. I would not take her in.
I wonder if the mother ever had any empathy for her daughter at any time.
I know mothers like this because I have one. They never have a moment of empathy for their daughters at any time. Even when we're children.
When there's a history, there should never be a daughter/caregiver-to-mom scenario.
I always took care of her and always gave her another chance. Until I didn't.
You need to step back. It really makes no difference if her nasty behavior towards you is dementia-related or not. The way you step back is different though. It's still putting your mental and physical health at risk. Either way you step back from helping her.
If she has dementia then she will either have to accept homecare aides doing for her or she will have to be placed in managed care.
If she does not have dementia and is just a nasty mean person, leave her to it. Do not tolerate her verbal abuse, instigating, gaslighting, or anything else.
Go completely 'Grey Rock' on her or don't communicate with her at all.
Your mental and physical health is more important than being her caregiver.
There is no way to change her opinion of you whether she has dementia or not. Any effort trying to is futile and will only end in you being more hurt and frustrated.
It's time for you to step back and change the dynamic here before it changes you.
Your mother is either the same person she always was, or she is no longer capable of regulating her discourse towards you.
If you can arrange for others to care for her (do what you’re doing now), AT HER COST, do that.
If you CHOOSE, for your own reason(s) to care for her, be sure that you have a good reason and a thick skin, and do that. If you make THIS choice, it will be YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to ignore her insults and defend your own feelings from her diatribes.
If she HAS diagnosed dementia, she isn’t expressing an “opinion”. She’s using her own habitual language without assessing the consequences of what she says, and not being able to filter.
This isn’t something you and change, and it’s a waste of your time and strength and endurance to try.
Practice ignoring. It feels better by far than believing that what she’s saying is a reflection of who you are or what you do.
If dealing with her is becoming unbearable, tell her to pay others for the services that you are rendering for free.
You know you are not at fault and that’s all that matters.
My brother lived his life, if he came to visit her 1 or 2 times a year it was like the return of the messiah, he is the golden child.
I stopped talking to my mother 12 years ago, now he is stuck with her as no other family members have spoken to her in 35 years.
Now I call him the 'Golden Goat". If you are a woman this is not uncommon behavior by a mother, we are to serve them, take their abuse and do whatever they say.
Sorry, I pass. You mother will not change, it is you who has to change, set boundaries and stick to them. No one has the right to abuse another.
Take care of you!
In my case, I ended up being reimbursed by one of the POA out-of-state brothers for my time at $20/hour, including back pay to when my mother's demands on my time really went up (when she gave up driving -- she didn't live with me or vice-versa; rather, she lived "independently" in her condo). When I'd requested compensation from her before my POA brother took over, she got mad at me and said, "You don't pay family!" Because I was being paid, I could consider it just a job.
And it was all gifted to me (no taxes). No problem, because my mother never would have qualified for Medicaid.
The only behavior you can change is your own.
If you stop helping and stop being around her, you wouldn't hear her opinions. Is that an option?