My 84 y/o wife was discharged from hospital requiring at least sub-acute rehab to improve her balance, strength, range of motion, walking or self-propelling a wheelchair. I can assist in her bathing, toileting, dressing at home, but she will need a 'handler' to competently help her into and out of bed, getting into and off a chair, couch and toilet seat. I could be the assistant to the handler, but not the lead.
If you do decide to try home care, you should consider splitting your finances, to protect your half of your joint assets for your own future care. Make it clear to W that this is what it would take. The home care will only be able to continue until her half of the assets is used up. Then it's Medicaid with no options. The bitter truth (probably with tears for both of you) is the only thing that will work to change her mind about trying rehab.
She needs to understand fully WHY it is to her advantage to really TRY in rehab. As long as someone is progressing, the longer Medicare pays. Most advantage plans pick up the remainder.
If she fails rehab, the truth is that you’ll have to have somebody besides you to help lift dw onto the toilet. It will be 24/7 care that at 20 an hour is about 250k a year.
You will need to be the giver of 'tough love' - doing what is needed for her welfare/safety - which is what she doesn't want for herself (her resisting).
* It is understandable that she is frightened and doesn't want change although I believe she knows 'deep down' that she will need more care - from others and/or a different living situation - and is so frightened, scared, and sad losing her independence (as it is) as well as losing you as she knows you. And moving into the unknown(s).
* Since she is 84, I presume you are older too. You must start putting yourself - if not first - on equal footing with your own well being and needs. You want to be there for as long as you can be to support (and love) her - which means taking care of yourself.
- This means making the hard decisions (unilaterally, as she will resist). As others as suggested /recommended, it appears she needs long term care facility - be it a nursing home or assisted living.
- Do not argue with her. I would tell her as little as possible in terms of 'what the next steps are' as it will only scare her and cause her to resist more. I am not saying to keep her in the dark, but do not argue with her. When she resists what you tell her ("I cannot handle your needs at home anymore and I am going to investigate assisted living facilities") - let her talk 'get it out emotionally' and just listen with a response ("I understand" what you are saying and feeling" and leave it at that). This is being compassionate, caring, and the best husband you could ever be. (As you are now).
It isn't clear to me that she is in sub-acute rehab nor OR if she is back home.
Whatever the situation, the time is NOW to find out what is available in your community re assisted living facilities / nursing homes. Some have waiting lists.
- I would do this reseach on your own ... go with a friend or another family member first. I am not sure that your wife would be able to do an initial visit anyway. She may need to be moved directly into it w/o an initial visit. Even so, if she not 'like' or 'want' to move in ANY facility. She wants things to stay the way there are - and whle emotionally and psychologically understandable, the time to make this needed life transition is now.
As another said, you might be able to find a place where you could move in too ... although that may involve selling a home, etc. Get the help / assistance you need to manage these transitions. They are not easy emotionally and you will need all the support / help you can get. Come back to us here too ... we are good people wanting the best for you and your wife.
Gena / Touch Matters