Noticing mental changes in mom - need advice on what direction to take.
Hi - Thank You everyone sharing and helping. I wish all of you the best in this difficult journey.
A few months ago I posted about my 92 year old mom. She seems to be getting worse mentally. She would easily pass dementia tests, and can do a lot things herself. I’m concerned with some of the things happening lately though.
She accuses that things were stolen from her because they were not brought to her when she moved. Although she knows she couldn’t have everything in her house when she moved. Now if she thinks of an item and doesn’t have it, it was stolen.
She will latch on to a negative thought (like about the above mentioned items being stolen) and then repeat it over and over and over.
She yells at me, tells me to shut up and swears if we have to go somewhere she doesn’t want to go or do something she doesn’t want to do.
I’m beginning to be concerned for safety. She will sometimes leave the water on, lights / heat lamps on, and forgets that she was heating food in the microwave to eat.
She only wants to do things when she wants, so say if she bathes after the rest of us go to bed, then I don’t know if these things are left on. I’ve asked for her to do them earlier, but I get a mean glare and then she does things when she wants.
If I make a comment she doesn’t like, she will make snarky remarks. I’m always the mean, unpleasant, selfish, have-to-have-it-my-way one. She is not this way with anyone else, just me.
Then sometimes later in a day of snarky remarks, she will act like everything is fine and make normal comments.
She will NOT go to the doctor.
My comments seem so trivial compared to so many of you, but it is becoming difficult to live with.
Thank You for your thoughts.
4 Answers
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For example she ignores her personal self care. Not her usual self in that regard. We tried to get an aide in, that didn't work. I've read all there is to read. Many said an outsider would work, but those we had showed very little initiative. So she does get her hair washed and blown at the hairdresser. This would typically mean my rushing home from work and it was up to dad to get her ready. She is perfectly capable of dressing herself, but ONLY when SHE wants to go out. Tell her she has an appt and forget it. So it was resulting in dad getting distressed, her refusing,being nasty. Then we switched to plan B with me out of the picture. Now the appt is mid afternoons on a Sat. and they are going for a late lunch or early dinner and dad just drives there first. No problem. Found a podiatrist with walk in days...they go to lunch and just go there first.
It must be so hard to ignore outright accusations...that's one I haven't had to deal with. Maybe calling your local Alzheimer's Assn or going to a couple support group meetings others may have better advice. I was going to a group for adult children...
My mom has said some pretty snotty things to me too. I've learned to pretty much blow it off and not respond. The mature way is to distract or divert, but I am low on energy for that...
The safety issues are another matter. I've taken those one at a time. I don't know how you can keep the water from being left on. My mom was obsessed with pulling the plugs out for the microwave and toaster oven. We got a childproof clear box that snaps over the switch plate, and that took care of that. Our kitchen appliances are electric, and older. THe microwave we put on child safe mode and we yanked all the knobs off the stove and oven, though she hasn't tried cooking in ages. She's left the disposal (new) running so we got a small heavy duty surge protector, and dad and I know we have to turn it on/off at that switch before using the wall switch. The safety stuff is a concern...so if she's doing stuff like before you're up or after you go to bed, you may have to lock her out of certain rooms. My dad had such a case of hives a couple years ago we wound up in the ER and best theory I had was mom was using too much detergent (I'd seen her)...so the laundry became my task in addition to others, and we got a locking handset doorknob on the laundry room door to keep her out. Yeah, I caught her once or twice trying to get in, but the novelty faded out and she doesn't try any longer.
My mom is 97. This is a wacky "mixed type" of dementia and they can appear so functional and capable in many ways, and not in many others. My mom UNlocks the patio door when she thinks she is locking it. The other night for the first time she poured cold soda on her hot food in a bowl. And when dad yelled NO! She was quick and snarky with "You eat yours the way YOU want to and I'll eat MINE the way I want to!"
Good luck:-) PS the way we had her assessed was at the suggestion of elder law attny and mom thought we were going to an MD appt for Dad. Always the controlling meddler she was ready to go...and the assessment was mostly a long nice chat with a really nice neurologist...she was clueless...I mean mom was...
I think if I could get myself out of the picture at times, it may help her. But I’m not sure how to do that since she refuses to interact with anyone.
I’ve learned over the past few months to not take any of it personally. At first, even though I thought I wasn’t taking it personally, I felt a welling up inside of defensiveness. But now I don’t feel that at all and pretty much ignore the comments. I usually don’t respond to the negativity. I have tried the distract and divert as it may work momentarily, but then it is back to what ever was the problem.
Thank you for your safety tips. I am going to implement many of them. I’ve also been removing items from where they normally are, in order to eliminate conflict and safety issues.
Thank you for the “mixed dementia” comment. That is very helpful for me to see that it may not just be her trying to control everything and taking it out on me. I’ll have to figure out a way for an assessment. That’s great the way you got it done. Hopefully I’ll come across an idea that will work.
Thank you again for all your examples and suggestions. I wish you the best.
Has a your mother been tested for dementia? Your description of her behavior sounds similar to my mom who has been diagnosed with this awful disease.
If you have access to mothers doctor make contact to discuss your concerns. You can also contact department of Elder Care for resources.
The important thing is to get help if you feel things aren’t right, your mom may not be cognizant that anything is wrong.
I feel for you in your situation and wish you the best.
If she will pass the tests or she will not is really not the question. The question is, can you continue to live like this? Do you CHOOSE to continue to live like this? Because this will not change. It is now a matter of getting the support of a therapist who can help you deal with it, or saying that you do not choose to deal with it. For myself, it would be the latter. I know my limitations. And my Mom would have to do into placement, where I would visit her often as able.
So sorry, but if she will not go to the doctor then she may have to deal with the ambulance TAKING her to the ER; I would level with her that there are now some tests the doctor needs to run, and this can be done "the easy way" or the "hard way". Step one is now a visit to her doctor if you have POA for health. If you do not it may be down to the "ER Dump" but let's don't do there if we don't need to.
My MIL recently died from complications of Vascular Dementia and Alzheimers. My mom would have easily passed the tests that she did not pass. I am not familiar with dementia tests other than these. I realize blood work and other forms of testing are available.
It is becoming difficult to live this way and a decision needs to be made on how to continue.
Thank you for the suggestions of doing this the “easy way” or the “hard way”. I hadn’t thought of that. Now on to the next step...
Ok, I just noticed that your Mom won't go to a doctor. You can find test strips at the drug store, if your Mom is willing to pee in a cup. Just make up some excuse why you are asking her to do this.
I didn’t know there were OTC test strips to do at home. I’ll look for those. If positive, trying to convince her to go to the doctor’s for antibiotics will be difficult. Her mindset is “No intervention from anyone, let nature take its course.”
Thank you for the ideas and suggestions.