Nearly a year and a half ago my husband and I moved his mother into our house. At the time I was under the understanding that it was temporary and just to get her on her feet. I obviously was wrong...
I will start off with prior to her moving in I had a very good relationship with my mother in law. We have similar interests, she always has been a caring grandmother to our children, and generally she was likable and always with a smile.
There were red flags. I knew she was not the most clean person. She can be dramatic. She can be demanding. But in my mind, we help family when we can so we did. She was being evicted and where else was she to go.
We gave ground rules when she came to live with us. Her room had to be clean and all doors accessible. She could not use her motorized chair but instead had to use a walker (She is obese and would ram into walls causing damage. She is capable of walking and done lots of physical therapy showing so, she just chose to be in the chair because it was easier. This was not us being mean.) It was agreed upon that I would take care of her laundry as she could not get up and down the stairs to our basement. It was also agreed upon that she would provide money to us to cover costs of living there (electricity, laundry detergent, meals, water, etc.). This was her suggestion and welcomed as we were not in a financial position to care for her as we have four, soon to be five children.
Since her move in it has been a disaster. The children and I can no longer use the upstairs bathroom because I can not keep it clean from her use. She is what I would guess is nearly complete urinary incontinence. Her room, our old bedroom, is a complete disaster. She orders daily. So much so it is not a surprise when she receives 2-5 packages a day. (She now hides this by having the delivery driver place it in her room. Yes a stranger in my house!)
I was hoping at our year mark we would be able to revisit the situation and find housing for her. I understand she can no longer live on her own as she has declined so much from living with us but I also am at my wits end living with her. Talking to her is a struggle anymore because I am so upset to what she has done to herself and our house. We have tried talking with her several times about the cleanliness of her room, the bathroom and herself however it falls on deafs ear. She has no interest in changing and if I had to guess is a hoarder by nature.
I'm at a loss. I care about her and her wellbeing. I want to see her do well but she will not change for herself, she most definitely will not change for us. I am in my third trimester, our house is busy. And if I am honest I am tired of washing urine soaked laundry and scrubbing a poo and pee covered floor on my hands an knees. I do not live this way and I am tired of her forcing us to but my husband feels responsible for her. He feels like it would be wrong to "put her away" even though I think its in her best interest and ours for her to go to a nursing home. Honestly, could she even get out of our house right now? Im not sure because she hasn't left since October.
What do I do? Am I wrong in thinking it is time for her to move on? Should we be providing her different care?
As long as you keep doing this he will continue to let you. She is not “our” responsibility, she is his and you just repeat the male mantra of “whatever you decide I will back you 100%”
you do not say how old she is but no matter. I am not a professional person but it does seem to me that she could be a shut in.
Dont take on anymore care or responsibilities and DONT clean her bathroom. Let your husband deal with it
he will find a place for your MIL ASAP
i think she needs to go to a good GP and referred to a geriatrician for a psychiatric evaluation and an aged care assessment done. Let your husband initiate and source this and you be the wing man
As far as my husband goes, he doesn't like her living here either. He finds it gross as well but he also feels this weird we "have to" there is no other option ridiculousness. Any words of support on how to get him out of this mindset? He feels obligated to care for her even when I have tried explaining that she has the financial capabilities to live in a nursing home or assisted living she just doesn't want to lose her money?
She actually needs a Geriatric Specialist.
Might I suggest that you lay out what is going on with MIL to your OB-GYN? Let THAT doctor explain to your husband in words of one syllable that you will not be scrubbing on your hands and knees any longer.
Also, be aware that you might be in danger of losing your children to Child Protective Services for exposing them to health hazards like this.
Call your local Area Agency on Aging and arrange for them to come out to do a "needs assessment". They can tell you both what she needs and what assistance she qualifies for.
Whatever gave him this idea that there is no other option? His mother's money is there to take care of HER needs. She should either be paying you folks room, board and for caregiving or for AL.
If he won't stand up for you, then he needs to use her money to hire aides to come in to clean up after her and help her with her needs.
Best of luck!!
(GP is general practitioner -- her primary care doctor.)
Another baby on the way? And MIL has basically hoarded you out of what, 20% of your living space--the master bed and bath?
I'd lose it at my hubby. No second chances, no nothing. She finds an alternate place within 30 days (that should give her time to check out options, low income housing, etc., and she needs to be GONE.) She have any friends she can stay with, or other family, temporarily? The longer you say she can stay the longer she will drag out leaving.
How about you take the other 4 kids and yourself on a little vacay--go visit relatives somewhere else and let DH see how bad things have gotten. My DH decided for 'us' that his dad could come live with us. I had nothing against his dad, we simply didn't have space and I still had 2 kids at home. I planned to take the girls and go to the cabin for a few days and leave DH at home with his dad.
Never happened. He was MORE than happy to let me do 100% of the CG, but he was unwilling to do any.
You may have to push--but do stand your ground. If she has money for online shopping and food, she has money for a place to live, that's not your home. YOU DO NOT OWE YOUR MIL ANYTHING MORE THAN RESPECT. Helping her to stand on her own is possible and even necessary.
Would you put up with this from your own mother? You are being used, honey, big time. She expects you to clean the feces and urine from the bathroom, even though this can be a real health hazard. How do your other kids feel about this? MANY kids have grown up filled with resentment about having to basically wipe Grandma's bum and giving up their own lives for an aging, ungrateful relative. You're harming all the kids--and yourself.
You yourself said she was 'worse' than when you took her in b/c you have done so much for her. She can recover baseline abilities if placed in a NH or SNF where they can monitor her and help her.
How much is she spending a month on 'stuff'? Find out. Tell hubby. SHOW him the bedroom and bathroom. Don't clean them anymore and see how long before DH 'gets it'.
You sound kind of timid--and I hope it's not cause DH is a bully. You have a right to a clean home. You have a right to a life sans drama. You have a new baby coming--how do you plan to care for a new baby with an OLD baby living in the house.
I hope you can be tough--b/c you are going to NEED to be.
I hope you can get MIL OUT long before baby arrives. You're going to have to have the bathroom hazmat-cleaned and new flooring put down in the bedroom.
Yes, you were wrong to bring in someone with care needs beyond your' s or anyone's in t h e home capabilities. Is your mind clearer now?
Maybe treat yourself to some housekeeping help too.
My Mom did that with my Dad when he didn't want to wear Depend type garments. Mom got exhausted trying to clean the rug [she was in her 90's] so next time Dad had a mishap, Mom handed him the cleaning supplies. After a couple of times of cleaning up his own messes, I saw Depends for Men on Mom's grocery list :)
Oh, just curious why your Mom-in-law was evicted from her apartment?
I don’t like losing my money on things like utilities and food. But I do like to eat and use AC so I don’t swelter, and such things aren’t free.
What she really means is she doesn’t want to lose money on living expenses and would rather have you & husband support her instead.
Is she incontinent or to lazy to use the toilet?
She should be told that her options are quickly coming to a facility and she can pretend not to hear, but making a mess on the floor and expecting you to clean it is over.
I am appalled that your husband thinks it is okay to subject his children to this. He will get on board with finding her a nice facility when he comes home tired and gets to clean filth.
That is how you change his thinking, this we business is not gonna happen unless he has a mouse in his pocket. He feels obligated then step up and be obligated but that doesn't mean you get to be her personal servant.
This behavior messes with my head, I can't imagine what would possess a grown woman to behave this way, she obviously knows there are issues or she wouldn't be hiding her shopping sprees.
He should file for representative payee with social security and take control of her money.
Want to act childish then you can be treated like one, go all out and give her what she wants. Adult day care, diapers, told when to go to bed, no tv, no electronics, no ability to order more junk. This could be very unpleasant for her.
My husband set up a date to talk with his mother with both of his other brothers in hopes that having all over her three boys saying the same thing would convince her with little unrest. They never got the chance to have the talk with her.
I took her to a doctors appointment. This was a huge concern for me as the last time she had been out of the house was back in October 2018. Knowing she had a steady decline in her mobility and a steady weight gain, I was concerned about getting her out of the house, safely to and from the appointment, and back into the house. I know most will ask where my husband was, unfortunately she NEEDED this appointment and he just could not get off of work plus I had an appointment at nearly the same time. The week he currently has is being saved for when baby is born and I will really need that help. We weighed our pros and cons on this one and chose what was more important to us as a couple.
Concern immediately bumped up to worry as she barely made it out of the house and into the car. We are talking less than 50 feet and three steps to walk down, then a step up into her car that she normally has no issues getting into. How in the world was I going to get her back in the house? Well we made it to and from the doctors office with little issue other than her usual driving me crazy with questions.
Back at the house? Different story. I get her out of the vehicle and send the children in to play. (Someone asked before they are 10 and under.) We get her inside where she is left to face the big hurdle, the stairs. She gets two steps up and then just continues to shuffle her feet. She doesnt want to lift them. Instead she wants one of MY children to get behind her and lift her foot up for her. (To paint a better picture, three steps up into the kitchen, 13 steps into the concrete floored basement. I was already in position holding her walker in place so she could put weight on it without it moving.) My answer was in no way shape or form was I going to allow one of my children to stand behind her where they could possibly be pushed into the basement or squashed or both. NO thank you. So what does she do in protest? She decides she will not continue up the stairs and instead of backing down them and sitting back in her chair, she decides to lay down on the steps. She claims she "fell". Folks it was not even close to a fall. She threw a fit like a child and laid down. This resulted in the only thing I could do, call 911 and get a lift team. An hour and a half later (we live 20 miles out of town), some shouting at each other, and help from 6 people she is up and in her lift chair. This. Was. The. Final. Straw.
We discussed safety, there is just no way a ramp will prevent her from falls and help her get in and out of the house safely. What if she fell outside trying to get to her motorized chair on her own? The ramp could not be a permanent one because of how the house is set up. What would happen if she needed to get out if there was a fire? What happens if she has a medical episode and falls in her room?
She agreed halfheartedly and is now moving into the assisted living apartments in town. Will she be evicted because of her hoarding and uncleanliness? Probably. Is it something we can prevent, control, help with? Not at all. I finally have my husbands head. He agrees that this will be hers on her own. Two of the three boys (One takes care of their father) have done all that they can for her and she is going to have to learn to adult on her own.
Good luck and stay in touch!!
Have you gotten results on her health?
Hopefully with time my husband will find healing in this. I just wished he was more vocal about how he was feeling about the whole situation. Lessons have been learned and now the lines of communication are much more open with us, thankfully.
I bet it feels so good to have your home back!! In spite of the fact she was helping out a little financially, it probably is completely worth it to have her gone.
Sad for her, but good for you. Her little tantrums cost her big time, didn't they?
Good luck--get that bedroom repainted and cleaned and start afresh!!!
And no to the financial help because it really wasn't. She paid a very minimal amount that did not cover all of the cost of having her in our home. We paid the extra. So honestly we will be saving a little money as well.
Give him time, it is still early days and I am sure that he resisted believing that his mom would take advantage of his kindness and do all the things she did. When we loose the image we had of our parents it takes time to accept and adjust to the reality. He will find his balance and boundaries to be able to love and see his mom. He obviously loves her very much and that makes it harder to come to terms with. He will be okay eventually.
So happy for you and your family that you were able to get her out without additional trauma. You will soon have a welcomed, wonderful new addition to the house and that is what you should be focusing on, new birth is so amazing.