Two of my siblings are very dictatorial in their speech when trying to get mom to do things. How do I teach them the proper way to speak to her?

Question

Two of my siblings are very dictatorial in their speech when trying to get mom to do things. How do I teach them the proper way to speak to her?

Follow

Share

My mother is in early stages of Alzheimer's/dementia. I have several siblings, two of whom are very dictatorial in their speech when trying to get her to do things that are necessary (i.e. reminders to take med; to wear incontinence products when going out). The more dictatorial they are, the more she is embarassed and of course stubborn.

Communication & Language Relationships

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

18 Answers

Most
Helpful Newest
First Oldest
First

Is mom living with you or with them? Your profile says that you are caring for her in your home. If that is accurate, then, I'd kindly suggest that they adjust their tone and offer some reading material on dealing with people with dementia. If that didn't help them adjust their ways, then, I'd have to not have them in my home. No way, they would address my mom, who is mentally disabled, with inappropriate words. I would no more tolerate that, than I would them hitting her with a stick.

I might also get a consult with an attorney, to make sure that I was on sound legal ground.

For me, honesty is a good thing and I would have no problem telling them to stay away if they can't act right.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

My mother might think that I'm dictatorial. But here's why -- she doesn't hear well, and I just cannot repeat things over and over. Things have to be said short and simple, and I have to raise the volume so there's a chance I might not have to repeat them.

Also, her reasoning is going, so that's another reason I don't go into long explanations. This frustrates me, because I know that I would like more explanation on things.

One time she said, "You don't have to yell at me!" That was just one time, though. All the other times it's the case that I have to repeat what I've said, sometimes multiple times.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

My mother called me "Hitler." Say what? I had left my home in Maryland and moved in with her as she was living alone in her own home in Massachusetts and failing at keeping house, but demanded to stay there. I said to her "Hitler killed 6 million people." She didn't even get it!!!! She didn't like taking her medications. Yes, the elder can talk badly to the carer.
Perhaps you can talk to the dictatorial sisters. Good luck.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Countrymouse, you have it right only I would ask them how would they react if someone talked to THEM in that tone of voice?

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Does your mom live alone or is she staying at each of your homes? Your sibs may not comprehend what your mom is really going through. It's a huge learning experience for the children and when a parent doesn't jump to your request it is hard to understand why they suddenly can't. Are your sibs dictatorial to all the family and it's just the way they talk to people? I've said this before, the best advice someone gave me is whatever your mom says or does no matter how hurtful or confusing or frustrating it may be to you ignore it and go on with your day. Sounds like someone just needs to tell the 2 sibs just to be patient with her. Tell them to count to 10 and simply ask your mom to do whatever. I had to get mom up before I went to work at 10am to get her dressed, take her pills, eat and get her downstairs everyday. She was not a morning person. I had to figure how best to get her to do these things that worked for both her and me. No one tells you daily this is what will happen and this is what you need to do. It's a learning experience. Talk to your sibs about your concerns, they may not realize they are being dictatorial. They may just be thinking of the end result mom needs her meds, etc. Tell them instead of commanding mom to do something, hug her first and ask how they can help her do the task. We sibs all think we know what is best for the parent but we don't. What's best is a hug and a kiss and I love you. You won't regret the care you should be honored to give your mom.

Helpful Answer (1)

Report

Have they noticed that their approach just makes matters worse? That did the trick with one of my mom's caregivers (my mom does not have dementia, but is strong-willed and not happy about needing care). Initially this caregiver would keep repeating her request, e.g., "Mrs. M., time for breakfast!" and would repeat it more loudly each time, thinking that my mom hadn't heard her. The caregiver has a naturally hard-edged voice and can sound like she's angry when she isn't. My mom would just keep her eyes shut and pretend to be asleep. Finally, during one of these bouts, my mother opened her eyes and said, "My hearing is excellent, and I resent your shouting at me." And then promptly closed her eyes. The caregiver got the message!

Maybe there is a social worker or other third party who can help your siblings understand that they need to change their approach? A social worker visits from time to time and her input has been invaluable.

Helpful Answer (3)

Report

I can tell you that when both my mother and husband were in a Skilled Nursing Facility and Rehab respectively, the aides in both places were very firm with their charges. Same with the Visiting Nurse that came to see hubby over the summer. They were not insulting or nasty, but very direct in their communications. Mom could be nasty and was delusional and dramatic and hubby is just stubborn. Both needed a firm directive. But, OTOH, being verbally abusive and insulting isn’t the way. If you witness them behaving this way, right in front of Mom ask them to reword what they said, that it sounded a little “harsh” and Mom is a little hurt by their tone.

Helpful Answer (0)

Report

Let your siblings know the way they speak to your mother bothers you and how it makes you feel. Use "I" statements like "When you speak to our mother like a dictator it makes me feel sad and worried that we are not helping our mother." Watch the Teepa Snow videos yourself before you send your siblings links to them in emails. Let your siblings know that it is important for your mother that all of you learn to speak to her in a way that she feels loved, respected, and soothed. This will only get harder for all of you as your mother's brain disease gets worse. The sooner you and your siblings learn some of the skills needed to deal with a person who has Alzheimer's the better.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

I hate to say this but once people are adults, their personalities have formed....it is rare to change that for the better. You can either keep your family away from the patient and thus avoid yelling, etc. or you must put the patient somewhere where the family can't yell. This is the only way they know how to get things done. You can't teach much at this age unless they truly, without any question, prove they want to learn. Sad but true. Adults usually do NOT learn by following examples where children can learn that way. Good luck.

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

It sounds like she definitely needs someone looking out for her. Eventually she's going to need guardianship and hopefully at someone trustworthy who won't take advantage by stealing from her. Someone definitely needs to be looking out for her best interest

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

My mother snapped at me that I was "maddening." That turned me bright pink and silent, I can tell you.

I'd suggest you suggest to the sergeant major siblings that they listen to themselves. And then think: if an outsider spoke to your mother as they just have, how would they react?

Helpful Answer (4)

Report

You may not be able to "teach" them but you can lead and show by example. When they use their approach and get nowhere and you use your approach and get results and they see that it may change their way of communication.
It might also be a good idea to get everyone to a Support Group or find out what videos the Alzheimer's Association has on line and they can see what works. The Alzheimer's Association also has a number you can call and talk to someone about frustrations and problems you may be having. They may give you some good suggestions as well as tell you what videos to view. They may also have local programs on the various stages and how to cope with problems that arise.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

We get frustrated, but just TRY to have empathy! Put yourself in your parents' place. How would YOU feel? A controlled tone and, when possible, a smile goes a long way...especially with a dementia patient. Lots of good tips at Alzheimers Reading Room website.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Midkid58, (I'm not sure of your situation of course just sounds like you're in a 'patient' situation from your post) I myself am I guess in more caretaker position. It's only like just sitting over my grandma's house. A month ago I finally said I'd had enough and quit going over her house (like you said about tone of voice) My gm only cares about herself and is happiest when someone is doing (anything) for her. I'm not saying my age again due to certain comments I've received from others here, but I've put up with her for 7 years and die to her dementia she gets meaner everyday. However my parents (the only ones who could do something) don't seem to have any interest in doing anything about her. My mom, who's her daughter seemes in denial about it all despite her cousin (and my therapist) can clearly tell she's driven me down to the ground emotionally. I guess this didn't really have to do with it, I'm just upset.

Helpful Answer (2)

Report

Send your sister links to Teepa Snow videos on Youtube. They are very informative.

Helpful Answer (8)

Report

This happened the other day when my mother was acting out due to a UTI that messed up her psych meds. My brother was yelling in her face and she was getting more upset and agitated. I must say that his behavior was learned as a child and when he gets upset, it's default behavior. He loves my mother dearly and does a great deal for her. Anyway, I asked him to leave the room, which after some huffing and puffing, he did and watched from the doorway as I calmly, and in a quiet tone soothed her down. I have had to model new ways of behaving to my siblings many times as they, and I, learned healthier ways to react. I did bring it up on the ride home. Again, in a calm voice, I told him that he can't yell at Mom-it only made things worse. I was tempted to not say anything, but for me, gone are the days when I let things get swept under the rug. He got huffy again, and quickly changed the subject, which was fine with me. It had been said, and we drove the rest of the way talking of other things.

Helpful Answer (14)

Report

Shoot--my kids and hubby talk like this to me and it drives me nuts! I am nowhere near having dementia--but they will get very "now, mom, you should be doing a,b,c....and lifting weights and probably taking this or that" and they can get really in my face. I ask them to stop treating me like a child--that usually shuts them up. Hubby or probably the worst, since I live with him, but he needs to think he's a lot smarter than I am--like it matters.

Often just the "tone" of voice is all that matters. That is all you "hear".

Helpful Answer (17)

Report

I'd tell them to read up on demetia/Alzheimer's mabe that will give them a little perspective. They should also have a little respect just because she's mentally declining doesn't mean just doesn't have feelings still.

Helpful Answer (9)

Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.

Two of my siblings are very dictatorial in their speech when trying to get mom to do things. How do I teach them the proper way to speak to her?

18 Answers

Recent Questions

Popular Questions

Related Questions