MIL is pretty good - nothing like Dad BUT she has her moments.
For years she's stayed with us for 2 night a week. To help with childcare etc. Alas, now daughter is older its not really needed. She was alone for a few months during covid lockdown and got lonely.
So she comes to stay again but its turned into up to 4 nights a week now. She's "OK" but even my wife finds her mother hard to deal with for that long. It is 1/2 days too long to be honest.
We've had many arguments about it but wife doesn't want to upset her mother. I dont get it - she will argue with me but not upset her mother.
I get her mother is on her own but 4 days a week is driving me up the wall!
Wife says she's stuck in the middle. Even suggested I sort it with her mother- I am tempted to have a polite word to be honest....
Any suggestions?
I think my wife is the same as me with her mother...
The fact that your wife doesn't like her around that much but is afraid of upsetting her mother is also telling. Your poor wife, I can so relate to this. And you seem a bit like my husband in that you are willing to be a buffer and even draw boundaries that your wife is struggling with on her own.
I say have the talk with MIL, but also encourage your wife to be more firm too.
I don't know why wife prefers to upset me rather than her mother. She says its because I understand the situation.
I get it she is somewhat stuck in the middle and I'd never want her to hurt her mother I just feel she could take advantage of things a little. Like say "oh I'll get you wednesday this week and take you home friday, I'm busy tuesday".
It might come down to me having to have a word with MIL. I don't want to upset her either and would be ok with her coming 2/3 days a week.
I like the idea of offering something else, when your turning them down. Like yesterday with my mother, I wanted a day off from seeing her and when she started trying to engage to come over I told her "No, we're laying low this evening but come over tomorrow for food and football".... that worked. Similar to your Weds-Friday suggestion.
Good luck.
We KNOW shes going to overreact though - seen it before.
But as they say, if you're kind to someone but they dont like something you decide, their reaction is not your problem.
Thing is I've seen this all before with my Dad so I can see it happening. I can see it all blowing up in a bit argument which is sad.
"MIL has a hide like a rhino" these type of people never see that they are taking advantage. And they get indignant when u point it out. From what I see on the news, England is much stricter than we are with this COVID. I really wonder how your MIL is allowed to come back and forth. I just read a whole street was quarantined because one of the neighbors was found positive in England.
She is allowed in Wales. Bubble since she lives alone.....
Sometimes we pick her up (its 30 mins away), sometimes she gets a lift off her other son.
Its going to come to a head son. Wifes brother has helped and laid down the law a bit to her, pointing out a few things. There is now no doubt she knows - whether she will listen who knows.
But yes I think we need to be blunt with her.
I spy *Mother-in-Law Mission Creep*!
That spare room has her name on & it's a short step to "Oh I may as well just live here now".
Counteract with *Retreat* tactics immediately!
Your wife will have to break the expectation first: "Mum we can only have you 2 days this week - insert any old reason". Then wind this back to fortnighly, then monthly.
Wind this back BEFORE her mobility gets worse, BEFORE shower assist is required, before a broken hip!
Paul, I think the talking to you instead of to Mother is a form of triangulation. It's not evil, we probably all do it... but it will be more effective if she talks to her Mother direct.