Sometimes blowing up is necessary?

Exveernon -

1. Being the youngest, you have been trained all your life to take and follow orders from older siblings. It's high time you declare yourself as their equal. They can't make you do anything unless you agree to, guilt tripping or not. Say NO to them, loud and clear and often. Eventually, they'll learn they can't manipulate you. They might not like you, probably will dislike you, but they will respect you.

2. You SHOULD NOT explain yourself to them because they DON'T CARE. They just want you to keep on doing what they want you to do so that they can go back to their lives. Just tell them: 'NO, I can't." No need for explanations.

3. Again, don't tell them what YOU need. They DON'T CARE. You just do what you need for yourself. You don't need their agreement or approval or understanding. Deal with it YOUR way.

4. Of course they don't respect you. You don't respect yourself in front of them. You let them push you around, guilt trip you, manipulate you. Why would they respect you? You let them bully you even though you are now a grown man and a doctor. Do you think any self-respecting adult will let people push him/her around? When you explain to them about your male need, you're asking for their permission. STOP THAT. Turn off the damn phone. Or put it on vibrate (pun intended.)

Your significant other deserves a man, not a baby brother,

It’s time to sit down with your brothers and mother and work out a list on paper of what needs to be done, when and how long it takes, and who is going to do it. That includes ‘on call’ emergencies. If you look at the list when it’s done, and it doesn’t work for all of you, then mother needs to go into Assisted Living. There her care needs will be met around the clock, and her sons can provide love, visits, outings, and oversight of how well her needs are met. No vague assumptions!

Two doctors make for a difficult marriage. You need to start right how to work out with your partner about roles, lines in the sand, and support structures for the two of you. If you can’t do this now, you are both doomed!

Your explosion is a good base for more realism all round, as well as a way for you to make an apology for blowing up, and to get things on a friendlier level.

Decide what your boundaries and participation will be, then call a family conference (on the phone if necessary). Then you will all need to discuss what the options are considering what the reduction in your caregiving is going to become. If they are not willing to step up with hands-on then the logical option is they put in money to cover outside help. This will get their attention. No one leaves the meeting without realistic solutions being agreed upon. We did this in our family as most were not local and had no idea how much help was being put out in a single day. They were worried about the financial end, so we came to the meeting with accurate answers and options. Transparency and calm demeanor is very important. Also, as the main manager of my MIL's care, I sent them out an email "summary" every day of exactly what I did, so they could never say, "I didn't know". Worked like a charm. Good luck!

I am having the same problem here though I am a good deal older. I have spent the last four years tending to my parents needs on a daily basis. My dad passed away two years ago at 100. My mother is 102. I have been with her nearly every day the last two years. I have no free time at all. My wife and I haven’t even had a weekend off together the last four years. I have spent the entire summer either at the hospital or at a rehab center with my mother. Now she is home with care providers she doesn’t want in her home. I have a sister who lives close by, but is focused on her grandchildren or vacations, spending time with her husband, and offers me little to no support. I am burnt out.

Put your phone on DO NOT DISTURB. 😊

The Medical field alone is stressful. My daughter went from being an LPN to RN and now is a Unit manager for a Woundcare Dept. She worked rehab/LTC facilities for over 20 yrs. She has worked 16 hr shifts on weekends to get thru RN training. When she comes home, she just wants to veg out.

The responsibility of your parent is a shared one. Like said in ur other post, Mom could be this way another 20 yrs. I am 70 and a classmate has had Parkinson's for 25 years. Mom has to do as much as she can for herself. You all should sit down and make a list of what her needs are. Then, who is willing to do what. Yes, ur a doctor but she should have her own doctor's and they should be handling her care. Call ur Office of Aging. See what resources there are for Mom.

Boundries. Goid for standing up for yourself.

Blowing up, as you say, often just leaves things unsettled. Better is a rational and thought out approach, not open to their manipulation and bullying. Gently explain the facts to them, and when they come back, gently explain the facts again.
I think that a lot of this we did discuss yesterday on your Forum question regarding whether there are any men acting now as caregivers. You did express there also that you do not want to lose the woman you love over this.
Same answers pertain. I don't know if cultural expectations come into any of this at all, but there comes a time when you do need to live your life for your own family. That will now be your wife-to-be, yourself, and the busy careers you both will have moving forward.
I think you will have to move away from being so concerned with the opinions others in your family have of you. As long as you are so overly concerned with their good opinion you stand to be open to their bullying and manipulation. It is time to now move forward with your life. No need to be cruel to family; just explain to them that you have a very busy career and are planning your marriage, and simply don't have a lot of time to discuss these things with them.
This will allow them to seek further solutions.
Time to play GREY ROCK with them. Argument and discussion only leads to accusation and frustration in these cases. Move away from it all, and leave them to their own devices.

Blowing up might make you feel good for a while, but it doesn't solve your problem. There isn't much point in lamenting gender expectations or unfair family dynamics. Talking about problems (here or with friends or a counselor) is helpful to a point, but it sounds like you are at the point of needing to take action.

You know what you need to do.

Turn off your phone if you are not on call. Tell sibs you are doing that and they will just have to manage.

Hope your on call hours are compatible with your SO's.

I haven't been following this thread, but I just have to add my 2 cents worth.  The reason you "blew up" is pent-up frustrations.  You've listed them 1 through 4 (and very valid, at that).  If not dealt with, you'll become angry, resentful and a whole host of other negative consequences. 

I don't understand why your family thinks your mum is "your" responsibility.  Do you live with her?  Your brothers have married and are leading their lives - what makes them think that you don't deserve the same opportunity?  You are young, in love (maybe?) and starting a promising career.  Don't let anyone deprive you of your future.  There are care options for your mum and you and your family need to sit down and discuss them.  You've received some good advice here and I hope you'll heed it.  Then, hopefully, you'll share the good news with us. 

Stand your ground.  You can love and care for your mum without sacrificing your future!  Hugs to you..... yes, men need hugs too.  😊

Good for you - hope it made them think twice. Afraid one sibling always takes the bullet whilst the others give “support via phone”. Think the fact that you are a doctor is possibly contributing - ironically and unusually.

I doubt that they know your schedules so maybe make out they interrupted a medical emergency if that’s feasible in your particular line of practice? Or that you are on a new course if want longer? Plus own time with your SO. (Don’t tell them which are work and which aren’t though.) Give them times that you will be able to attend to your mum and make it clear that outside those times you are not available.

If your schedule changes try to update them promptly so that to all intents and purposes you are being the reasonable and mature one. Most phones can inform you who is calling so if it’s a sibling during a time you aren’t available -ignore or yell till they get the message.

Good luck as they won’t want their equilibrium disturbed - but stick to your guns as eventually they will have to accept the new way. Oh and don’t be guilted by times “no one can cover” - if it’s time you’ve booked stick to it.

Sorry you are having to deal with inconsiderate siblings as well as the stresses of medical practice and finding time with your SO.

Good for you. Kudos !
As for me....I think I am more excited about getting married than the fiancee herself lol....Im secretly looking forward to the honeymoon as a time to be out of the caregiver role. 2 weeks alone with my new wife...and I pray God no emergency phone calls from home (I'm praying HARD)

Good for you! I think that in situations such as yours, the siblings or other family members who aren't helping with caregiving will try almost every tactic to continue avoiding providing help. Caregiving is very stressful for both women and men, and both women and men need breaks from caregiving.

Exveemom - I was a bit harsh in my first post and I apologize.

My best friend's husband is a long time doctor and is the youngest sibling. At 57 yrs old, he still lets his big sisters boss him around. They say jump and he asks how high. He goes along with everything they plan even at the expense of his wife and kids. His wife is frustrated with him and has no faith in him. His son and daughter say they can't count on him for anything. Naturally, they have little respect for him.

On the other hand, my husband will stand up even to his parents if he knows he's in the right. He will simply and calmly state his position and reasons, and no amount of persuasion can change his mind unless it's valid and logical. I have so much respect for my husband.

High time you "blew up" or in my opinion, enlightened sibs as to reality. They are taking advantage of you and this is very wrong. You are doing the right thing, and doing them a spiritual favor, by telling it like it is.

Have you asked your mom what her plans and intentions are for her care?

I would be open and honest with her and get her involved with finding a facility that offers her social interaction, activities, 24/7 care and the ability to have sons and not caregivers.

Congratulations on your up coming nuptials. I vote for turning the phones off and spending the entire 2 weeks devoted to each other and having a honeymoon that will bring you happy memories for the rest of your lives.

Hugs to you and your lady.

First let me congratulate you on your upcoming marriage. This is an exciting time for you, marriage, both of you new doctors. It is also a VERY stressful time for you and your fiance. (Marriage, new doctors, some student loans added into the mix,moving residences) I do feel for your situation concerning mom, you are the "baby" of the family and others want to dump her care on you. What is always frustrating is when family pulls the disappearing act when it come to mom's care and leaves it up to you. In my case it's not my mom's care but my 92 year old MIL. My husband is the middle child with 2 sisters. I tend to do 95% of her care tho he does help out with some if the house cleaning and laundry. This is a long, lonely journey that if you choose to be her main caregiver along with your fiance. It WILL affect your marriage and not for the better, I do not say this to be negative, just honest, 37 yrs this year for us and I can not think of anything that has put a greater strain on our marriage than this journey,we have zero me/us time. Your siblings find excuses/reasons not to help out now, wait it will get worse. Some days it seems like they dumped and ran. When you have children it will also have a great negative affect on them also. The two of you are entering a high stress job, caring for others to begin with, add mom into the mix, guilt trips from your siblings, their lack of help and excuses will eat the two of you alive. Time off for just the two of you, um not gonna happen. MIL been living in our home almost 2 years, I dont recognize my home anymore. I do my best by her and yes I get pissed when SILs bark orders at me to do this that and the other thing, finally had enough and asked one of them mid tirade when she was getting her a** over to do xyz, cuz I had other things on my plate that day. Got hung up on, MIL immediately received phone call that I was picking on her(sil),🤦‍♀️It maybe in her and your best interests to place mom in AL. How will you be able to juggle your marriage,profession and mom equally? When you juggle balls will start dropping. You will not be able to go out, socialize, vacations will be a thing of the past, a distant memory. Want to go out on a nice romantic dinner? Not gonna happen, 3s a crowd and mom will be there. You are just starting to live your life and it passes faster than you think. I do understand that your brothers believe that you should do this because you're a doctor, I do need to disagree with them on that point, you are a person,son,brother,soon to be spouse who does care and love his mother. Being a doctor is what you do to make a living, just like a policeman, firefighter, athlete, plumber, electrician, etc. Just because you place mom in AL doesn't mean you don't love or care for her, it just means she has the 24x7 care she needs, by people who get down time and proper sleep.Staying engaged and interacting with others may help her too. Even when in AL there are multiple ways people are still the main caregiver, just not at their home.I don't know what your mom's finances are but there are some really good programs out there that could possibly help. I really hope that you don't take on the burden of being her in home caregiver, I say this as someone who does it, lives it, breathes it daily. Yes it is a burden, we love her a great deal but day in, day out care without a break sucks the life out of you. Let us know how it goes, BTW, male or female, no one should have to suck it up or man up. Why doesn't the brother who told you man up, man up and step up himself? Oh, ya, because he'd rather dump it in your lap so his life isn't disrupted.

Is Mum living with you? Or do you live the closest to Mum? I don't get why you are the *one* to be 'on call'. I can see why a blow up (volcano size) was needed. But now, real plans need to be made. Is it possible to all work together with Mum for a future plan?

As she worsens, will you be expected to take her into your home? Or go live in hers? As others have written, think very very carefully about doing this...and the majority of posters would say to NOT do it. It will probably be expected, since you did used to live with your parents, right?

If your fiancee were to write in to us, our advice would probably to think very carefully about jumping into marriage with you. You wrote that you are already worried about this.

You know already that the equation of:
Fulltime Doctor + Newly Married + Fulltime or even Parttime Caregiver = a massive mess of stress.

Looking at the Holmes & Rahe Stress Scale:
Change of job responsibilities (29) + marriage (50) + change in familiy member's health (44) + vacation/honeymoon (13) = 161 points. That's medium to high chance of getting ill already - if you add moving house or a mortgage it will be even higher.

There are many cultures/families where the it was assumed the youngest would be the caregiver. Was like that in my country back in the day of 8 children families, it was hoped a younger child stayed at home for the eldercare - but I'm talking 1800 - 1900s. You are the youngest? How dare you want your own life & a wife & a career...

Seriously, the total responsibility of Mum's care has been dropped like a package on your doorstep. Return this to sender. Not even addressed to you. This is actually your Mum's future that she needs to make. I have zero education on the law, but If not able to make decisions on her own, then with someone to make assisted decisions, or if that not possible, POA or even guardianship. (Others know about these things).

Very best of luck with a plan & remember, just because no plan has yet been made, does not mean YOU are the plan!

Exveemon, I believe in prayer and I believe in boundaries. Pray for guidance on how to set them with your family.

Nor to be morbid, but what would they do if you died? You wouldn't be jumping to their emergency, so they would figure it out.

I would probably be really angry with you if I was your new wife and our honeymoon was cut short because your family didn't have enough care for you to figure it out. Not to mention that I would feel very poorly about them as human beings and I would probably not want to ever be around them. People that don't respect others and their boundaries are not worth knowing in my opinion.

I am the youngest and my siblings wanted to be my bosses. It took some serious discussions to get them to stop.

I would also point out that doctors have visits with their patients, they diagnose and prescribe treatment they don't do the hands on, day to day details, so their expectations of you are soooooooo unrealistic.

Best of luck, you are changing their comfort zone, so be prepared for some kick back. FYI: The groom's mother doesn't usually participate with the planning. They do the rehearsal dinner. Traditionally that is.

1. Your brothers have wives and children. Soon, so will you. And then you'll find out how much comfortable free time they have.

2. If you want your brothers to understand how busy a junior doctor's schedule is, why don't you write it down for them? Or get them a copy of The House of God. The book may be getting on now, but depressingly little has changed.

3. Quote them the rates for suicide, alcoholism and drug abuse in the profession. Burnout is an actual thing.

4. Record a different outgoing message: "Hi, this is Galen, if you would like me to call you back then leave a message and don't call again until I get back to you. In an emergency, by which I mean an emergency, leave one urgent message."

Or switch your phone off, obviously.

If your brothers are not medically qualified, then you're not going to tell me that you are either surprised or resentful that they consult you about your mother's disease. You're supposed to know, right? - more than they do, at least. Do they have any other doctors in the family they can ask?

Hoooeeey I can relate to blowing up on siblings - wish I could blow up on mine but she's in the wind, except when it comes to asking for money!

To add to what's already been said, I do recommend turning the phone off! Another thing I've done is change my mother's ring tone to a special sound so I know when it's her that's calling. In her case I chose a battleship alarm. Might get wearing but for now I crack up whenever I hear it. In your case maybe various ring tones for family members to help you sort out when and where you want/need to pick up?

Lastly I picked up a Garmin inReach. Basically a satellite communicator for emergencies when out of cell range, or sans cell. I know someone who got one and when her father took a turn towards the end of a camping trip she was able to receive the message and change plans accordingly. This is not a cheap device, in my case I bought it after my Dad passed and I got a little money. You can put three people on the call list and I'm currently asking the aging care manager I hired ( immediate family is a mess ) if she can be one of the three. Of course you might not go out of cell range but this could be another wall of protection.

And I have to thank you for bringing up this topic. I haven't set up my inReach yet but am finally about to go camping so this is a great reminder. The stress will make you sick, and I'm speaking of one who is healthy but whose body is starting to go to pieces from 3 years of hell. This device feels like a break for freedom to me...

Good luck!

Exveemon, please, please, set boundaries!! It’s not fair to your fiancé!! She needs to come FIRST!!!