Hello!
My father died a little over a year ago. I thought my mother would be happy and start liking life but she has turned completely opposite. My mom and dad had a toxic relationship most of the 50 yrs they were together. She always put us kids in the middle of it. Bad mouthing my dad at every turn. Mind you, my father was not a saint either. She has lived one block away from me for the last 20 yrs. My husband and I have been helping them all of that time and I played a big role in caring for my father until he passed. When my dad was dying, she wrote off both of my brothers, mind you I thought they deserved it but I am not so sure now that I see how she has turned on me. My twin sister, who has stage 4 cancer, has already written off the family. She used to talk to me about how my mom acted and I didn’t really believe it. I never saw my mom that way. Getting to the point, since my father died I have taken care of everything for my mom. I am the only one. As soon as my dad passed, I feel like she turned on me. She has made up lies I never said, tells me I am cruel, says my dad would be disappointed in me, among many other things. For the past year I have been trying to get her to get checked for dementia. She will not do it. I have tried to cut back on the things I do for her and every time she gets mean. So, the last straw was when she asked for my grandmothers ring back that she gave me. That hurt. She said she wanted it for sentimental reasons and I could have it back when she died. That was the last straw for me. I called her and tried to have a peaceful conversation with her and she kept interrupting and blaming me. Telling me how she wished I could actually be a daughter. That was it. I told her I was cutting all ties with her. I feel guilty because she is all alone but I cannot take the manipulation and cruelty anymore. It is affecting my quality of life and my relationships with my husband and son. Am I a bad daughter?
You're not a 'bad daughter'; you're a daughter who's tired of being the target of an emotionally abusive mother and you're trying to protect yourself, that's all. It's your mother who's a questionable relative in all of this, but I'm sure she'd deny it right to the grave, as most of these women tend to do. They're always right & the rest of the world is always wrong; that's the way they look at things. I know b/c I have a mother like yours; one who's blamed my father for everything she's been miserable about in her life, and was actually happy when he passed away in 2015. She never mentions him since he died, except to say foul things about him and put him down! No picture of him in her room, nothing. Nice huh? After 68 years of him putting up with her horrid behavior, it's like he never was. It hurts my heart that she's so mean & ugly, so I limit my contact with her for my own well being. She lives in a Memory Care ALF nowadays that is 4 miles away from my house. Her dementia has only worsened her ugly personality and made her even more caustic & intolerable than ever before, sadly enough. I'm now the target of her ugly words, so that's why I limit my contact with her, b/c I'm sick to death of ALL of it, frankly. I've never been good enough in her book, and she never lets me forget it (I'm an only child), in spite of me being there for her thru thick & thin.
My condolences on the loss of your father. Please take care of your own heart and health now, and tend to your husband, son, and your siblings. I hope your sister can fight thru the cancer and get into remission. We have a good friend who did just that, and is now cancer free after nearly dying 4x with stage 4 lymphoma. Same thing with my ex; he's cancer free now 5 years after being dx'ed with stage 4 colon cancer. Miracles do happen & I pray that's the case with your twin sister.
Wishing you the best of luck with all you have on your plate.
You are not a bad daughter. Stick to your resolve and call Adult Protective Services and report a vulnerable senior.
That will put her on their radar and she will get assistance without you being her scratching post.
I wouldn't give her the ring back, it is now yours.
1. Guilt is self-imposed
2. NO is one sentence
3. Your are not responsible for the reaction u get when saying NO.
They have a choice now though. No one has to become a nanny-slave to a needy elder. No one should be expected to.
Parents who loved, respected, and valued their children never want them to become nanny-slaves to them in their old age. Only the narcissistic, selfish, uncaring ones who never valued their children expect such a thing.
The possibility of dementia cannot take all the blame here because from what you've stated it sounds like she was this way all of your life. Now is the time for you to let the state take over. Call APS and tell them that your mother is an at-risk elder with dementia living on her own who needs a higher level of care than you can provide. Give the ring back and walk away.
As for her telling you that she wishes 'you could be a daughter to her' that's just one more manipulation tactic out of the needy narcissist's handbook to get what they think they deserve. She doesn't want you to be a daughter to her. What she wants is nanny-slave that will take care of all her needs and demands (on her terms of course) who she can also abuse.
Do yourself and your family a favor and let the state take over and be responsible for your mother.