What can I do??? How can I have peace again?

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What can I do??? How can I have peace again?

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I am in a very difficult situation with my Mother. She has always been a very narcissistic and manipulative women. We have never had a relationship, but I am her only living child left to provide her care and it's difficult. When I was 7 years old I was raped by a friend of my parents. When I told my Mom and Dad about the traumatic ordeal, my Father was ready to go after the man who sexually assaulted me, but my Mother said to my Father, how do you know that she is telling the truth? She also told me that I brought this on myself and that I deserved what happened to me. Well last night we had a heated discussion because we had a visit to her neurologist and we discussed long term care options that will be better for her to leave my home. She was irate and very defiant last night, refusing to take meds, wear her oxygen and go to bed. We got into a argument and my past was brought up about the above incident. She AGAIN blamed me for what happened when I WAS 7 years old. I was sexually assaulted several times throughout my childhood by bad seeds that my parents associated with, but I stopped telling my Mom because of the fear of her reaction. I want to cut ties with my Mom and move on with my life. I don't even consider her a Mother. I have lost all respect for this woman. She has never loved or cared for me the way a Mother should, the way that I am with each and everyone of my children. I had a brother who committed suicide at the age of 27, while living at home with my parents back in 1996. My Mother never supported my brother or helped with his depression. She could care less about her children. She was never there for me as I raised 4 children. My now grown children, never had the grandmom with my mom.
I am actually at the breaking point and have decided to place her in a long term care facility, but she is refusing to leave my home and I don't know what to do. In the past 3 weeks I have had to call 911 on her twice, but when the police and paramedics talked with her she was sweet as could be and told them that she in fact was the victim. They told me that they could not take her to the hospital against her will. I am praying that I will be able to get her out of our home, where we can all live in peace once again.

Burnout Depression Multi-generational Living Relationships

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First I want to say how sorry I am that your mother would EVER say something like that to you. Second, you may have her involuntarily committed to a psych ward. Once she is out of your house, you may have her placed in a home from there.

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I am very sorry to hear about your abuse during childhood. First you need to save yourself. You need to be there as a whole person for you and your children (and spouse?). Get connected with a local social worker who can advise you and your mother about her options. Much will depend on her finances. Make sure that she is signed up for everything she is entitled to, such as Medicaid, if she has no money. You say that your mother is living with you now. Make sure that all of her paperwork is in order. She needs a living will (advance medical directives if she becomes incapactitated), set up powers of attorney for medical (healthcare proxy) and financial affairs, and a will if she has assets. Are you her POA? Most financial institutions have their own POA forms. A social worker should be able to guide you through the steps of moving her to a senior or assisted living facility. Or you may have to hire an eldercare attorney. I'm sorry to say this, but you still sound like you are under your mother's domination. Drop the guilt. You were the innocent victim at age 7 and your mother is 100% wrong about that. Seek therapy for yourself so that you can put the bad things in your past behind you. I hope that eventually you will be able to forgive your mother's ignorance and malice, but that doesn't mean you should stay in her control, which you are now. Care for her well-being, but cut her loose. If she moves to a senior facility near you, you can visit her to make sure that she's being cared for properly. All the best to you, and a big hug! Be kind and generous to yourself!!! Give yourself the loving care that you need.

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Once she does have go to the hospital, try and get her transferred to a nursing or assisted living facility from the hospital. You probably should call around now. Those places fill up quickly. You can help, but you are not responsible for her life. Once she out, I would not get power of attorney on her.

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I truly hope the proper entities can get guardianship and take over her care so you can heal and have a real life. It’s really rough being around the culprit who trashed your childhood. If you’ve been able to find some peace in your life, it’s extremely disruptive to have the offender back in your life to open up old wounds, especially if at some level your were hoping that things would improve. Grieve the loss of a parent you never had and move on. You owe her nothing. Sometimes people who work in nursing homes feel badly for residents whose children don’t visit but they don’t know the family history. Go get a good life!

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Thank you all for your advice. I was told by my Mothers doctors to actually give it some time and she will eventually need to go to the ER, because she is beginning to break down with pressure sores on her bottom, from sitting all day and not getting up to move and the doctor told me they will admit her into the hospital and then at that point I can refuse to bring her back home.
I have had PT out to give my Mom the necessary tools so that she would not sit constantly, but that has not helped. She refuses to do anything that would be beneficial for her health. I know that she has health issues and I can understand that her energy level is low, but I have repeatedly told her that sitting all day is not good for her, but still she just sits. She has become increasingly LAZY and it drives me insane. I have also contacted the Department Of Aging in my state/county, they will be calling me back sometime this week. I am also waiting for an attorney to return my call.

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CSimmers, you have done so much to help improve the quality of your mother's life by moving her to your home and getting good medical care. Sounds like the neurologist has an accurate view of how she functions in the world....and the recommendation of psychiatric inpatient care for her is an indication of how seriously impaired her mental functioning is.
Glad you are getting local information about your own rights.
The reality is that the most likely event is that she falls, or gets sick with a UTI, and is impaired enough to be taken to the ER by 911 ambulance.
It is ok to turn down your daily interactions with her by a few notches. You can give her meals 3x/day, and be sure she has fluids available. Otherwise, try to be 'busy' in your own house, and out of her line of sight. Let her try to manage all of her needs and wants on her own. She may get nastier to you...just try to let it go past....this may lead to a fall or UTI that will make her impaired enough to need 911 to take her to the hospital. This is not abuse, it is respecting her right to not have to interact with her 'terrible' daughter, while ensuring that her basic needs (food, fluid, safe place to live) are met.
Tough love, in a way - but you come first.

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Nobody can force you to be her caregiver, and, having been one myself, though I love my mom dearly, the best years of my life were devoted to caring for her. But I willingly did it. I love my mom.

What you can try is get her a legal guardian since your situation can either destroy your health, or it could lead to domestic troubles due to pent up resentment. Call Adult Protective Services (APS) or Health and Human Services (HHS) agencies should be able to help you get started with this legal process. This way the State (court system) will appoint a guardian and you will have peace of mind she is still being cared for. This court appointed guardian will make decisions for her.

Sometimes when parent(s) have been abusive and the children grow up, they will not want anything to do with them, and it will be time to get a court appointed legal guardian.

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Excellent advice 👍

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Please think of yourself now ..not your “mother”. I feel for you ..I was lucky enough to have a wonderful mom and wish everyone could. Every child deserves to be loved and cared for and PROTECTED! You owe your mother nothing, she is not going to appreciate anything you do so do not sacrifice or wear yourself out for her. It is a different thing when someone who was a good and caring parent suffers illness and dementia and it warps their brain and makes them become abusive. When those caregivers feel a need to care for this parent it is understandable as it’s an illness and even then they should not feel obligated when it becomes too difficult for them to handle.
You mentioned a husband and children— it seems your husband is supportive but what does he actually think of this? Are your children still in the home? It surely can not be easy for your loved ones to see how your mother treats you ..and how does she treat them? My grandmother was abusive to us as children but always denied it. She treated my mom poorly also. It was traumatic having her around ..and she was not suffering dementia but simply mean. I would never put my kids through that. So especially if they are living with you but even if not ..this is an added reason to get your mother OUT.
id advise against getting POA or guardianship ..because this might cost you financially but also just due to all the added hassle. Take other posters advice for having her taken to an ER ..or consult her doctors and perhaps if she needs a procedure or admission for another reason that would be your opportunity. I might go even further and , while allowing your number as emergency contact ..not go in person to hospital. They can call you and get needed information ..and that way you won’t be as likely to be manipulated into taking her home. Perhaps even leave town for that time ..even if only for when you are speaking to them ..lol drive beyond town limits and then you can truthfully say.. “ sorry but not only am I unable to care for her safely in my home BUT at present I am out of town.” The social worker can talk with you for any arrangements. With your history, I’d let them make her a ward of the state. You won’t be responsible for any decisions , also won’t be allowed to do that ..but I’d say that would be best for you. You survived that woman’s treatment as a defenseless child and made it into adulthood as a caring person ..enjoy the life and family you made yourself .
my best wishes to you.

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My children are all grown and living on their own. I have 3 daughters who really don't like my Mother. My Mother was NEVER involved in my children's lives.
My mother actually threw me out of my home when I got pregnant with my first child, (my Son) at the age of 16. I went to live with my boyfriend (who I ended up marrying 12 days after my 17th birthday) and his Mom and Dad and they became my family. My Mother in-law was more of a Mother to me than my blood Mother. And although I have been divorced from her Son since 2000, we remain very close and I consider her my Mom.
My first born child, Johnny unfortunately was killed in an automobile accident at the age of 22 in April of 2006.
My daughters resent my Mother on how she was never a Mother or Grandmother.
I being a Christian was trying to forgive my Mother and honor her as the bible states, but I am having a very difficult time with that now.

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Prayers now CSimmers.

As parents and grandparents, we always hope and pray, and provide protections for our children in every way possible.
What happened to you was a criminal act, and your mother was complicit.

So very sorry that happened to you. It is unconscionable that you would ever have to care for your abuser.

I am going to be praying for you, that you never have to be in the presence of that kind of evil, that she leave your home, and your presence in her life, and that you will have peace. Prayers that you will be protected from any further harm to your heart, whether it be from past hurts or present. The Lord will protect you, if you let Him.

Psalm 121:7 (NKJV) The Lord shall preserve you from all evil; He shall preserve your soul.

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Call the paramedics again. Tell the 911 dispatch operator that she has dementia and will be a hostile transfer.
Unless you are her POA or court-appointed conservator/guardian, you are not responsible for her.
Call the paramedics/police dispatch and tell them that she is threatening to do herself and you harm and you are afraid. Then tell them she will be a hostile transfer. They will come and get her and take her to the ER whether she wants to go or not. You follow and ask to speak to a social worker in the ER. When one is sent for you tell them you need a 'Social Admit' because you cannot and will not allow her back into your home, and cannot care for her.
If she's on meds and oxygen, the hospital will admit her until they find a bed for her in a care facility. They will.
Your reasons for allowing her to live in your house are your own. As you say she couldn't care less for her children. You owe her nothing.

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Start the procedure to evict her. That's really the only legal recourse you have if she isn't willing to gg and is of sound mind.

Call an eviction attorney tomorrow so you know it's done correctly, and stait the process. That might wake her up enough to realize that if she's evicted, she'll literally be put out on the street.

She can go to an arranged living situation now, or become homeless, but don't merely threaten her -- serve her with eviction papers.

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CSimmers: That is unfortunate that she came to live in your home. Perhaps you could seek answers from a social worker in your locale. Prayers sent.

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This isn’t a difficult situation at all. “Mother” (which she wasn’t one) needs a home. Find one, get her admitted, and go on with your life.

The “but it’s my mother!” stance means nothing when she was not your mother at all. She chose men over you. You will never get closure or a deathbed “I always loved you and I’m sorry I didn’t protect you.” She is cruel and mentally ill. There is no fixing or chance for reconciliation with these people.

A mother who lets her child be raped and never protected her is NOT a mother. Period. End of story. You don’t have to be her daughter. Change the script.

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When I was 7 I went through the same abuse that you describe. My mother would not allow the police talk to me. Everything was a figment of my imagination! She convinced my aunts and uncles that “I was a dirty little girl”. I was made to crawl on a gravel road. Today I still not know my cousins or relatives. Fast forward to 2 years ago when my mother needed help. I did everything I could because she was my mother. The day came when she fell and ended up in hospital. From that point since no one would look after her she was put into a care home. I kept in constant communication with mom when she was able and the staff and Drs. Because of Covid I could not visit nor could I be with her at the end or at the funeral. Can I live with myself? Yes. I got tired of hearing what a dirty little girl I was. I am happily married with 1 son, 2 grandsons and a wonderful loving husband. We are strong and survived the abuse. For me it was 72 years ago. I am no longer reminded by my mother.

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It's truly sad that a Mother could be the way ours were to innocent little children. I am sorry that you went through the same traumatic experiences as I have been through and I thank you for telling your story.
I am blessed with my 3 daughters and 3 grand children. I have a very good husband as well. All of this has with my Mom has opened up old wounds that I have buried and tried to forget.

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There are no words for your mother's behavior: there's no need for you to extend the torment she has brought upon you. I would venture to say that she is and always was unstable: this is something you could work on with a therapist.

Please call Adult Protective Services and request a social worker to place Mom. Start videoing her behavior (baby cams?) so that you can prove her mental state.

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First of all, this woman sounds like the scum of the earth and she must, by whatever means, be moved out of your home - no matter what it takes. She is horrible and has no value whatsoever. Get her out of your life and be grateful she is g o n e. Now second, get free consultation with an eldercare attorney as to what legal aspects are involved and how to cover yourself from any liability. Also file a report against her with the Adult Protective Services stating she is violent, has threatened to harm you and the family, and everyone is terrified of her and can no longer have her in your home, etc. Also speak with the neurologist to see what help he can give you to remove her. Now, perhaps you could get a couple of trusted "friends" to visit you and then call 911 (with them as witnesses) that she became violent and is threatening you and you are terrified and they should get her to the psych ward for an examination. DO NOT GIVE UP - She may need to be sedated and bodily brought to the hospital or wherever - she is dangerous and she is of great harm to all around her. She does not deserve anything from anyone - now or ever.

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Riley,

She doesn't need an elder law attorney to find out if she has any liability.
If she does not have POA or does not have court-appointed conservatorship/guardianship over her mother then she is under no legal obligation to provide care of shelter to her.

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Abusive parents don’t stop abusing when they get old they just change tactics.

I agree with the advice here, place her in a home, it isn’t up for debate. You couldn’t stand up for yourself as a child, you can now.

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Dear Cimmers, What if You had a medical or psychological emergency and had to be hospitalized for some time? Would that prompt a dislodgment of her from your home? Work with your therapist to possibly suggest a few weeks in inpatient trauma treatment recovery for yourself. Would that prompt placement of her since someone has said she can not live alone any longer? And, who is paying for the phone that she gambled on? I I would stop paying for it and/or get her a flip phone with none of those options. Sending you strength.

Also, its not unheard of to take her to the Emergency Room yourself without telling her where you are going. Once there, you tell them that you can no longer care for her in your home and it is unsafe. As someone else said " she needs 24 hour care and I can not do that." Then the SW at the hospital will eventually have to intervene. As someone who worked in the ER for many years, I used to despise when people would do this and I didn't understand why they would do this. Now I see why.

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Her holding her breath until she turns purple should have no effect on your decision. Based on what you revealed, I'd call the nursing home as soon as you're done reading this comment. After she's settled there, do not visit until you've met with a therapist on your own, and worked through these issues. Just my opinion.

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SMH... holding her breath until she turns purple. If that's not the oldest trick in the book.

Know how to handle that?

Tell her to hold it until she either sees St. Peter or the devil. Then walk away.
Never give that nonsense a moment of attention.

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As an adult child, your responsibility is to make sure your parent is cared for when he/she can not care for himself/herself. You do not have to do the caregiving. You do not have to pay for their care.

In your situation, get her placed. Call the facility for updates. Visit only as often as you can that allows you to maintain your peace of mind. AND, go live a wonderful life.

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Why, because you are an adult, should you care about her and who is caring for her. This woman is garbage - never waste your time on anyone - no matter who or the relationship - in such a situation. Walk away forever.

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I would not wait any longer I would find a Memory Care facility and place her.
You can not care for someone that has abused you.
She may not have physically raped you but she has repeatedly mentally abused you since you were 7 years old.
If you can not "just place" her next time you have to call 911 for transport to the hospital it is there that you tell the Social Worker that you can no longer care for her in your home. It is unsafe for you to do so.
As far as the paramedics and police saying that they can not transport her against her will......This person has been diagnosed with dementia. She can no longer make competent decisions for herself. She can no longer make medical decisions for herself. Do not let them say that they can not take her against her will. I am hoping that you legally have the authority to make medical and financial decisions for her.

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I wonder if the OP were to have a diagnosis on a piece of paper from the doctor and her own POA if that would work. Mom needs to get OUT of OP's life for good.

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Next time she has a emergency and goes to the ER tell case management you can no longer care for her . The Hospital has a social worker who can help find placement for her . Just say “ she needs 24 hour care and I am not able to do that .” By having your Mother living with you isn’t helping your psyche . Make yourself number one and close the chapter .

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Does that work even if Mom just goes to the emergency room and the hospital doesn't want to admit her?

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From your profile: "I am caring for my mother Ruby, who is 74 years old, living in my home with age-related decline, alzheimer's / dementia, anxiety, arthritis, depression, incontinence, lung disease, mobility problems, parkinson's disease, sleep disorder, urinary tract infection, and vision problems."

What kind of caregiving do you provide? How many hours/day?

What does your therapist say about moving her out of your home? Is he/she helping you achieve that goal?

In light of the past abuse, I would say you have no responsibility towards this woman at all. The next time she goes to the ER, tell them you can not take care of her. Then she will become THEIR problem to place somewhere.

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I am caring for her by cooking and preparing her meals and snacks, washing her clothes, taking time from work to take her to each of her doctors appointments, bathing her as she cannot get into my tub alone, giving her, her medications ect. I work 8 hours a day from 6:30 until 3:00pm Monday through Friday out of the home and then when I get home from work I work another 5 to 6 hours tending to my Mother's needs until I get her in bed for the night. My husband works second shift so he is there for anything she may need until I get home. My therapist agrees that she should be placed in a care facility but again, I am not able to just drop her off at one.

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I had a DIL who was an abused child. Neither parent was invited to her wedding, and I was told in no uncertain terms by her clergy/counselor that this was the best thing. Before he died she saw her father again (hadn't for a very long time) and he told her he loved her. She has idolized the shmuck since then. Her inappropriate adoration for Daddy screwed her up even more and eventually helped destroy her marriage. Note to self: abusive parents don't deserve love and respect.

From what you say, you have been a martyr by trying to do the right thing (like so many abused children turned adults) and taking care of a biological parent. Stop. Now. All of it. If Mommy Dearest can take care of her self let her. You will feel better about kicking her out. If she can't then you call for outside intervention and tell them you can no longer care for her. Out she goes.

Get help to get out from under this burden. Let your family who you love and who love you help you. Be honest with them. Do what they tell you. They are suffering through this too.

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I agree with what you're saying but it sounds like Mommy Dearest won't go and no one is willing to cart her off. I don't know if you can evict a dependent adult.

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One thing you can count on, is that at some point she will make a trip to the ER for something. Afterwards, refuse to take her home. If you don't take her home, a social worker will be assigned to fast track getting her placed somewhere.

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CSimmers, You say you have love in your heart for your mother and brought her into your own home willingly. You also say that your mother has Alzheimers. Yet you say that she has refused to give you POA, and she could interact with EMT personnel perfectly. I believe in a recent post you told us that your Mom has a gambling problem? That because of this you put proceeds of the sale of her home in a joint bank account I don't know of any elders with dementia who are capable of gambling to any great extent.
If your Mother is diagnosed with dementia, then she is incapable of giving you POA at this time. If you go to an Elder Law Attorney you will be informed that if your Mother has no diagnosis of Alzheimer's, and if she is at all capable of making her own decisions you will not be able to win in a guardianship case. Without winning said case you have ZERO power. I believe in your other post you told us it was your intention to see an elder law attorney to discuss the accounts/taxes questions. Without winning a case for guardianship you would likely be on the hook for about 10,000 for court costs for your Mom's lawyer, which would be provided to her, and your own costs.
If I understand correctly your Mother abused you throughout your life. You have a therapist to help you with that. Your Mother was invited into your home by you, and by your own choice because you love her. Your Mother has NO diagnosis of Alzheimer's or other dementia? Your mother does not want to give you any POA.
If the above is not true please let me know where I misunderstood you?
If it is true you have to answer one question for yourself. Do I wish my Mother to leave my home. If the answer is no, then on you go.
If the answer is yes, then you must first tell your Mother you want her to leave your home. You offer to help her find either placement in facility or an apartments nearby and assure her you will help her (with grocery shopping, appointments, whatever) out of love. You give her a time limit. Two months sounds right.
THEN, if your Mom will not leave you go to see a landlord/tenant lawyer. Rules vary widely. Your Mom would have a lot of rights in San Francisco. Other places, not as much. You go about proceedings to evict your Mother from your home.
These are the facts unless I am missing something. Otherwise this situation will not only continue for you, it will gradually worsen as Mom's mental and physical capabilities get worse. There will be no upside for you. You will never hear the words you long to hear from her "You are a wonderful daughter and I don't know what I would do without you and I love you so much". That isn't your Mom. Never will be.
I sure do wish you the best. I hope that's a GOOD therapist you have. Some just listen and sympathize, which is a good sounding board but doesn't shake one up enough to act in one's own best interests to move out of habitual ways of life.
Good luck moving forward.
Older post:
https://www.agingcare.com/questions/i-have-a-financial-question-about-taxes-can-i-claim-this-on-my-tax-return-472793.htm

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She has dementia. She was never diagnosed with Alzheimer's and I never stated that she has Alzheimer's. She has COPD, Dementia, and Parkinson's symptoms. Some days she is ok and other days she is very confused. Her neurologist is treating for dementia. We own our home and she lives with me, she can make some decisions at times, she is not completely over taken by the dementia, but none the less has been diagnosed with it. Her neurologist also believes that she needs an psychiatric evaluation and told me that a lot of what she is doing is more than likely a personal trait, (her personality). She was told by her previous MD that she cannot live alone because she was having terrible hallucinations and calling the police stating there was a person living in her attic. I since moved her up here with me and have gotten her the correct medications and doctors in hopes that her quality of life would improve. She rarely has hallucinations anymore. I have joined a group called Legal Shield and will be contacting a law firm for legal advice.

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Like AnnReid noted, if you are her PoA and she has a medical diagnosis of dementia, then you can transition her into AL or MC (whatever she qualifies for at a facility). Your profile says she is 74 and has dementia/ALZ and other medical ailments. You may need to tell her a "therapeutic fib" to get her moved in and facility admins know how to work with families to do this. Paying for a facility (with her funds only) will be another matter.

In the interim you could contact social services for your county to see if she qualifies for some in-home care so she starts to get used to others taking care of her and giving you some distance and a break.

You do have the option of resigning your PoA. Depending on how advanced her dementia is, she won't be able to assign anyone else. You can allow the county to become her legal guardian and they will place her and manage all her medical and financial care. Again, contact social services to discuss.

Have you seen a therapist to work through the abuse and denial issue with your mother? This is very serious. You should consider that you have a dysfunctional co-dependent relationship with her. You need a wise and objective voice to help you put up boundaries to protect and restore yourself. We don't get to choose our families but as adults we get to choose how much we interact with them. You are not responsible for your mother's happiness. You have done more than she deserves to date. You do have options (and she won't like them but too bad). I'm so sorry for all your pain and suffering but you can work on that now with the choices you make moving forward. They will feel hard but there can be light at the end of this tunnel. May you receive healing and peace!

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Yes, I am talking with a therapist. Thank you for being so kind I appreciate it. My Mom refuses to give me POA. So I am kind of in a mess right now.

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If you have a diagnosis and recommendations for your mother’s future needs, then it’s time to let go of your regrets about her past failures.

Are you her POA? If so, you need to have THAT document AND the neurologist’s diagnosis with you every time you need to deal with anyone who might be taken in by her “sweetness”.

Being formally diagnosed with dementia means that although her track record with you and other family members can’t be forgotten, it MUST be set aside when making care decisions for her. The fact that you are “her only living child” has very little to do with who you are as a capable reasonable adult, and who she is as an adult with multiple illnesses and management issues and a deteriorating cognitive profile.

My mother was a severe agoraphobic, with many acquired narcissistic traits along the way. I fought my way to adulthood thinking I was a failed daughter, but with years of learning about her, and about myself, I came to have a loving relationship with her until she died.

Get your legal situation figured out. You have designated yourself the only person “to provide her care”, but that may or may not be the case, and when planning for a manageable future for you both YOU need to know where you stand.

You have to totally separate yourself emotionally from her behavior. You are no longer a tragically wounded child. You are an adult, and you may have more “rights”, especially concerning the management of her care, than you presently know. Find out.

Spare YOURSELF any “heated discussion” with her. Walk away, walk out, put a door between you……and her.

You are YOU, an adult who has stepped in because no one else was there. Give yourself credit. Many would have walked out and never returned.

If you find that you are legally responsible for her, find the BEST placement SHE can afford, and PLACE HER. You may be surprised to find that she actually IMPROVES in residential care.

Good luck with taking the first step…

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I did put my feelings aside, that is why I brought her in my home to care for her because regardless she is still my Mother and I do have some love in my heart for her. I feel very sorry for her and truly wanted to help her, but in turn she has become very ungrateful. I moved her from another state and got her the best doctors because she was not taking care of herself and was told that she could not live alone any longer. I have always wanted to have a relationship with my Mother, but she never wanted that. I remember as a child longing for the care and love from my Mom. I just need to let go and find help with placing her in a long term care facility.

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What can I do??? How can I have peace again?

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