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Who are you caring for?
Which best describes their mobility?
How well are they maintaining their hygiene?
How are they managing their medications?
Does their living environment pose any safety concerns?
Fall risks, spoiled food, or other threats to wellbeing
Are they experiencing any memory loss?
Which best describes your loved one's social life?
Acknowledgment of Disclosures and Authorization
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington. Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services. APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid. We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour. APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment. You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints. Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights. APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.I agree that: A.I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information"). B.APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink. C.APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site. D.If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records. E.This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year. F.You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
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Mostly Independent
Your loved one may not require home care or assisted living services at this time. However, continue to monitor their condition for changes and consider occasional in-home care services for help as needed.
Remember, this assessment is not a substitute for professional advice.
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I think this is a personal decision and is based on your circumstances. I have a 50+ year old, with teen kids (one who has health issues) and a full-time job with travel. These are my priorities, so I consider anything that significantly impacts these priorities, is unreasonable.
I would never move to be nearer or allow my mom to move in with me. I would also never use my own finances to support her. I feel anything that impacts my mental, emotional, physical or financial wellbeing in a significant way to be unreasonable.
I'm guessing your mom says that her expectations are reasonable.
When I was in my 50s, my mom was in her 80s.
Her expectations were the occasional accomplishment to a procedure (outpatient surgery, colonoscopy); accomplishment to to a doc appointment when she wanted a second pair of ears, occasional help with major financial decisions and hiring help for cleaning, snow removal and appliance purchases.
When mom was in her late 80s, suddenly EVERYTHING became an emergency and she started demanding someone showing up every day
It was not possible for me to do that and hold my job. I told her "I can't do this anymore".
Mom moved into a facility shortly thereafter. My message is, if YOU think it's unreasonable, it is. If it affects your ability to earn a living, have a marriage or be with your minor children or grandkids, it's unreasonable.
My simplest way to put it: Who dictates the terms.
Occasional assistance is reasonable. “Would you mind picking up a few groceries for me on your way over?” Which is dramatically different from “You are to take me shopping every Tuesday at 10am plus whenever I want something.”
If you do not have the option of saying NO, it is unreasonable. Because it is a demand or dependency, not a favour.
It is easy to cross the line between being helpful and enabling people to continue living beyond their capability.
You should not be expected to quit your job to provide free care, nor financially support your parent. Doing so jeopardizes your own future.
You should not be expected to put your parent ahead of yourself, your partner, or your own children.
You should not be expected to fulfill social needs and provide entertainment. You are not responsible for your parent’s happiness.
You should not be expected to provide physical help beyond your ability, training and available time. Whether it’s lifting your parent or repairing the roof.
You should be able to determine how much time you are able to devote to fulfilling your parent’s expectations.
Again, if you are not allowed to say no, the expectation is unreasonable.
IF/when homecare , or a facility is where care happens , do not fall for demands or make any promises because they need hired caregivers . It’s not your fault they are old and need help. Boundaries are necessary . Do not promise to see them on any particular day every week . ( For example to take them out to dinner ) . You make the schedule and see them when it is convenient for you . Like Anna says , you are not required to be their entertainment .
First how old is Mom? Elderly to some people is 70 and at 73 I am far from what I consider elderly.
Do u live with her, her with you or does she have a place of her own?
What are her expectations vs what you feel you can or want to do. Does she expect u to be at her beck and call? Does she call you numerous times a day? Are there things u do that she could easily pay to have done. Do you work, have kids and a husband? Do you live nearby or miles away. To help you, we need to know more of what she expects and what ur willing to do.
If you are asking this , I’m assuming the expectations have reached to the unreasonable level.
Set boundaries and stick to them . Easier said than done . But many of us will tell you it’s necessary for your own health and mental health . Your life matters too . Keep up taking care of yourself and do not become isolated . Continue hobbies , seeing friends , social life.
By proceeding, I agree that I understand the following disclosures:
I. How We Work in Washington.
Based on your preferences, we provide you with information about one or more of our contracted senior living providers ("Participating Communities") and provide your Senior Living Care Information to Participating Communities. The Participating Communities may contact you directly regarding their services.
APFM does not endorse or recommend any provider. It is your sole responsibility to select the appropriate care for yourself or your loved one. We work with both you and the Participating Communities in your search. We do not permit our Advisors to have an ownership interest in Participating Communities.
II. How We Are Paid.
We do not charge you any fee – we are paid by the Participating Communities. Some Participating Communities pay us a percentage of the first month's standard rate for the rent and care services you select. We invoice these fees after the senior moves in.
III. When We Tour.
APFM tours certain Participating Communities in Washington (typically more in metropolitan areas than in rural areas.) During the 12 month period prior to December 31, 2017, we toured 86.2% of Participating Communities with capacity for 20 or more residents.
IV. No Obligation or Commitment.
You have no obligation to use or to continue to use our services. Because you pay no fee to us, you will never need to ask for a refund.
V. Complaints.
Please contact our Family Feedback Line at (866) 584-7340 or ConsumerFeedback@aplaceformom.com to report any complaint. Consumers have many avenues to address a dispute with any referral service company, including the right to file a complaint with the Attorney General's office at: Consumer Protection Division, 800 5th Avenue, Ste. 2000, Seattle, 98104 or 800-551-4636.
VI. No Waiver of Your Rights.
APFM does not (and may not) require or even ask consumers seeking senior housing or care services in Washington State to sign waivers of liability for losses of personal property or injury or to sign waivers of any rights established under law.
I agree that:
A.
I authorize A Place For Mom ("APFM") to collect certain personal and contact detail information, as well as relevant health care information about me or from me about the senior family member or relative I am assisting ("Senior Living Care Information").
B.
APFM may provide information to me electronically. My electronic signature on agreements and documents has the same effect as if I signed them in ink.
C.
APFM may send all communications to me electronically via e-mail or by access to an APFM web site.
D.
If I want a paper copy, I can print a copy of the Disclosures or download the Disclosures for my records.
E.
This E-Sign Acknowledgement and Authorization applies to these Disclosures and all future Disclosures related to APFM's services, unless I revoke my authorization. You may revoke this authorization in writing at any time (except where we have already disclosed information before receiving your revocation.) This authorization will expire after one year.
F.
You consent to APFM's reaching out to you using a phone system than can auto-dial numbers (we miss rotary phones, too!), but this consent is not required to use our service.
I would never move to be nearer or allow my mom to move in with me. I would also never use my own finances to support her. I feel anything that impacts my mental, emotional, physical or financial wellbeing in a significant way to be unreasonable.
When I was in my 50s, my mom was in her 80s.
Her expectations were the occasional accomplishment to a procedure (outpatient surgery, colonoscopy); accomplishment to to a doc appointment when she wanted a second pair of ears, occasional help with major financial decisions and hiring help for cleaning, snow removal and appliance purchases.
When mom was in her late 80s, suddenly EVERYTHING became an emergency and she started demanding someone showing up every day
It was not possible for me to do that and hold my job. I told her "I can't do this anymore".
Mom moved into a facility shortly thereafter. My message is, if YOU think it's unreasonable, it is. If it affects your ability to earn a living, have a marriage or be with your minor children or grandkids, it's unreasonable.
My simplest way to put it: Who dictates the terms.
Occasional assistance is reasonable. “Would you mind picking up a few groceries for me on your way over?” Which is dramatically different from “You are to take me shopping every Tuesday at 10am plus whenever I want something.”
If you do not have the option of saying NO, it is unreasonable. Because it is a demand or dependency, not a favour.
It is easy to cross the line between being helpful and enabling people to continue living beyond their capability.
You should not be expected to quit your job to provide free care, nor financially support your parent. Doing so jeopardizes your own future.
You should not be expected to put your parent ahead of yourself, your partner, or your own children.
You should not be expected to fulfill social needs and provide entertainment. You are not responsible for your parent’s happiness.
You should not be expected to provide physical help beyond your ability, training and available time. Whether it’s lifting your parent or repairing the roof.
You should be able to determine how much time you are able to devote to fulfilling your parent’s expectations.
Again, if you are not allowed to say no, the expectation is unreasonable.
Anabana’s post is perfect .
I would like to fast forward and add
IF/when homecare , or a facility is where care happens , do not fall for demands or make any promises because they need hired caregivers . It’s not your fault they are old and need help. Boundaries are necessary . Do not promise to see them on any particular day every week . ( For example to take them out to dinner ) . You make the schedule and see them when it is convenient for you . Like Anna says , you are not required to be their entertainment .
Do u live with her, her with you or does she have a place of her own?
What are her expectations vs what you feel you can or want to do. Does she expect u to be at her beck and call? Does she call you numerous times a day? Are there things u do that she could easily pay to have done. Do you work, have kids and a husband? Do you live nearby or miles away. To help you, we need to know more of what she expects and what ur willing to do.
Set boundaries and stick to them . Easier said than done . But many of us will tell you it’s necessary for your own health and mental health . Your life matters too .
Keep up taking care of yourself and do not become isolated . Continue hobbies , seeing friends , social life.