My MIL has such a hold over my husband. I just don't know what or how to deal with the situation. She has always wanted us to live with her since the day we married 37 years ago. She is 85 years old and having extreme trouble walking and standing. She has refused anyone other than me or my husband to do anything for her in her home and she even threw out the medicare lady that was there one day to do an assessment saying hostilly, "My son and DIL take care of me!" She is exhausting to say the very least. She moved to where we live begging us to move in with her. We tried her living with us but OMG it was awful. Nothing was ever good enough no matter how hard we tried or how much we brought for her comfort. She's a narcissist, always right, her way or the highway. She lived in her house for 11 years, 3 miles away from us. Until about a year ago she began having more trouble walking and with her balance. She fell, that we know of, maybe 6-8 times because she would call for us to come immediately and get her up off the floor. I noticed she wasn't moving her knees and of course she refuses to see a doctor or even think of the possibility of knee surgery. We brought up the idea of an assisted living facility and the wall came down. She treated us as if we were putting her in a nursing home where they leave you to die in your own urine. She told my husband, "So you're done with me!" as soon as he walked in her door to do chores for her that day. He was shocked. I told her that she needs around the clock care and that we are concerned for her safety. We explained that with both of us working full time we could not be there all the time to watch her. She wanted to sell her house to my husband for a dollar and us move in with her. My husband and I both know that if we thought things were bad the 3 months she lived with us while her floors were being done, it would be 1000 times worse on her own turf. Very bipolar, obsessive compulsive and afraid of everything, severe anxiety. Drives us crazy! She screams and cries out loud for no reason but to irritate us. We have learned to ignore some things. This is a woman that taught her 2 sons not to cry and she herself is very prideful and stoick. She said she never had to wash her hair growing up because her daddy made it available for her. That's nice, but she's spoiled.
Someone in the family came forward and offered to help get her in a care facility so we immediately started looking and found the best we could because this is what the family member said to do. We were in shock, it was a God sent. The family member was only able to give so much. We thought well, if we sell MILs house we may be able to keep her in the facility until she is 92 or 93 years old or before she would need a skilled nursing facility. She is already showing signs of dementia. We were told that when this happens she will have to be moved to memory care and Medicare would not pay. She gets about 1600 or 1800 dollars a month which is too much to get Medicaid. For now she's in a care facility for about 4000.00 plus per month, She wants us there with her 24/7 and calls and texts 24/7 during our work. We have asked her to please press her call bell and ask the workers, but she doesn't want to bother them and they don't like her. I wonder why? She calls the front desk to get help, yells for help because they have not taken her food tray. She calls and text us to do something about it and hangs up on us when we don't give in to her. It's actually a lot worse than it sounds. What gets me is how my husband just seems to take it but he says he is not going to get mad because that's what she wants and that she has always been argumentative and seems to thrive on it. It's hard for me to do this. My husband has told me when he was driving his mother to Georgia a few years ago, which is an 8 hour drive, he wanted to slam head on into a large tree to be killed instantly. HELP
Start by blocking her number.
Visit once a week and leave the minute she "starts" or gets nasty. Simply say "oops, gotta go. We'll be back when you're feeling better."
Don't engage.
Is your husband her Power of Attorny?
Blocking her is not going to be a problem. If there was a true emergency, the facility would call you.
Your mils income is likely not too high to qualify for Medicaid down the road. See an elder care attorney for guidance on that matter, is my suggestion.
Best of luck!
Join a caregiver support group. I know that’s what this is, but an in-person or online Skype in real time type can really help. You will come to realize that you and husband are not the only ones dealing with this kind of stuff.
That is all I can offer for now, but others on here will give you great advice and wisdom. Hang tough, you got this :)
YOU need to set boundries. MIL will continue to try to step over them. So you need to stand firm. The calls, go "do not disturb" while you are working. The calls will go to your VM. Give the AL your work # for emergencies only. I have my phone set for 11pm to 9 am. If its an emergency or really need me call home #. When you get home, hopefully she will be having dinner at the same time. But if she calls say "MIL we just walked in the door. I will call u later when you are done dinner" Tell her you will call her once a day about 7pm after she and you have eaten dinner. There is no other reason for you to talk during the day. A lot of money is being paid for her to take advantage of what the staff can do for her. But also tell her you attract more bees with honey than u do vinegar. If she is nice to the staff they will be accommodating to her. If she continues the way she is, they will do the bare minimum for her. Aides like easy, nice people.
Does she use her phone for any other reason than to harass people? If so, I would lose it. When she says she wants to get another one refuse because she misuses it. She has a call button. Put a big sign above it with "Call button" and an arrow pointing to it. Maybe put it in a nice frame. If she is going to act childish, treat her that way.
Your husband is correct. Getting mad will have no influence on her and just gets his B/P up. Not good for him. This is how he has learned to deal with her. At this point you aren't going to change her. You change you. Looks like you and dear husband are going in the right direction. Just stand firm. Hopefully she tires out eventually. Remember Mom needs u more than u need her.
Caregiving is a long, difficult road, and we're happy you have found the support of others here on this site. However, there are limits to what untrained members of the forum can provide.
Your husband talking about wanting to die or to kill himself is very serious. Please reach out to experts at the 24/7 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline by dialing 988. You can also find resources on the Lifeline website here: https://988lifeline.org/help-someone-else/
I'm sure other caregivers will be along shortly to provide more words of encouragement and advice. Hang in there and please take care of yourself!