Hospice called Thursday night saying the live-in-sibling wants to now remove mom from hospice. Saying mom had blood showing up when going potty. Her stomach was swelling up off and on for no reason at all. Saying mom was running a fever off and on. Said mom didn’t want anyone to touch her at the navel area. The nurse told me a visit was made but at that point only saw a trace of blood but really no sign of constipation this time and hemorrhoids was a maybe. Nurse stated sibling was not agreeable and demanded test such as an ultrasound. My family was already set to visit on Friday but we hate going at this point due to live-in-sibling and the aids who are acting just as crazy but it is not because we have done anything to them.
Come Friday morning, the social worker called and said again get mom into a nursing home. Saying you can’t talk to live-in-sibling because they (the live-in) know more than the nurses/everyone and really is not capable of caring for anyone. Stressing again that live in sibling wants mom off hospice. I told social worker if other siblings want to see that happen, I would do the discharge since I signed both parents up in the beginning and it is like me against seven other siblings. Needless to say, siblings went with live-in-sibling so I did the discharge.
I scheduled mom a video doc visit with the primary doctor she use to be under before going on hospice. So the video call took place and from there the symptoms got exaggerated to the point of the doc saying carry mom to emergency room immediately. So live-in-sibling called the aid to come back (you'll see why below). While getting mom dressed in restroom, I could tell mom had done the due and asked aid not to flush so I could see. The aid ignored me. By then the live-in-sibling came in and told me to help the aid. I told her no because she tells aids not to interact with me. I stood aside. As soon as the aid went to pulling up mom’s pull-up she was snatching, so when she went to pull up her pants I asked her to go easy. She ignored me and so I pushed her hands off mom as she was snatching on the pants. She shoved the wheelchair against the tub and stormed out.
By then the live-in-sibling went to demanding I was the one to leave out and that I am not to go in with the aids when they're interacting with mom. I told sibling to get over it and that mom was my mom as well. She kept trying to be a () not wanting me or husband to help get wheelchair out the restroom. Saying mom is her responsibility and that’s her job. By that time, I was truly ticked and was about to do more than talk when husband came in and man handled me back. I was furious.
Dad heard the commotion and went to crying. Mom started crying saying she wanted her baby daughter with her (me). Saying she be wanting to see me. I explained to mom and dad again why we don't come often. Every time we visit, sibling acts crazy and the aids leave. The employer upholds the sibling and aids in wrong doing.
My teens and husband do not want me to visit alone for fear of sibling and aids jumping on me gang style. So I’ve started to think on staying away permanently.
PS: Again, as soon as we arrived, the aid took off. I mean we only drove up. Dad asked where aid was going and live-in-sibling said lunch. Well lunch lasted three hours. Funny thing is lunch always happen upon my family’s arrival. What is that?
What would you do if this was happening? Would you consider no longer visiting your parents if it is causing your immediate family unpleasant visits and your parents grief?
Whoever is your mom's medical PoA is the one who should be advocating for what mom wants, if mom isn't cognitively compromised. Is your mom able to voice her desires freely? Are those desires carried out by the PoA? If no one has durable PoA for your mom/parents, this will make a difficult caregiving arrangement needlessly more difficult and stressful. If your mom has her mental faculties, and if you (and hopefully another sibling or 2) believe she is not getting appropriate care and her desires aren't been respected, then your your mom can legally create a new durable PoA naming whoever she wishes (and it can be more than 1 person). With so many siblings in the family, being transparent and a good communicator will be essential so that no one can question motives. Please write back to clarify if your mom has a PoA, who is the PoA and whether your mom has ever been diagnosed with any cognitive decline. I wish all the best for your mom!
My purpose at this point is just to strictly visit. When I just do the calls both mom and dad are like but when are you all physically coming/we miss you all. So when we visit, the purpose is to have a pleasant family visit. To sit and talk, to roll mom outside and get some fresh air, to have a meal together, watch TV, etc. Dad often have us walk with him or ride with him somewhere or have us ride him. But from sibling and aides, it is what the heck as if a crime is being committed to interact with mom. Mom is at the stage of being where you put her. She is vocal but has dementia type symptoms although doctors can't find it in notes. So have no idea where her diagnosis came from originally.
To review her care, not really. But to be in the loop, absolutely. An example, mom was said to have fallen out her wheelchair back in March. I learned of it during a visit. Coming to show parents love. That was intent of that visit. But when I saw the bruised face, lump on head, and scarred leg, I asked mom was she in a boxing match. Trying to make things easily and not like accusing hoping that aid and sibling would just openly share, Instead I got insulted as if it was none of my business and I was accusing.
Yesterday, after sibling was telling doctor how bad mom was bleeding during several bowel movements the day before, yes I wanted to see how things were progressing during our visit. Since I was there and she was in bathroom with aid getting ready for ER visit. I went in to help but aide immediately stopped taking moms clothes off when I came in and became instantly huffy.
Neither parent has PoA. Dad asked me to become PoA. But after speaking with a lawyer, the suggestion is that another sibling would just go behind my back. Hospice social worker has asked siblings in several conversations, if someone would be willing to do PoA? No responses. I guess the only other thing while they were on the program was to ask social worker to ask them how they would feel about me being PoA?
So I'm at the point of just not wanting to visit. I love my sister but she is just not having it. The aides, I've done nothing to them, but you would swear I've thrown hot water on them.
I'm not wanting to visit anymore but parents be wanting to see their children in most cases.
I am just tired of the ugliness. It's not like we come every week or daily. But when we do, it's always a big deal starting off with the aides hot wheeling out of the driveway. Then if they don't do that, they are staring at me the entire time of trying to interact with mom. I'm the television. I'm it.
A close friend, more like a sister, said maybe just go and sit. Don't bring a treat, don't bring lunch, don't offer water, don't talk, and don’t do anything. Just sit beside my mom. Cut visits to thirty minutes was also suggested. It takes forty-five minutes to get there. To sit for thirty minutes, I may as well not go.
I hate putting them through this. I don't even want to go on Mother’s Day this year. I'm truly thinking to stop all visits. But was open to suggestions if anyone could picture themselves in my shoes.
Every time I visited my Mom in memory care, I would try to bring a little something for the caregivers, too. They would certainly be grateful, and even a small gesture or gift would certainly be appreciated. A snack basket with candy and fruit is an example. I even took over beer and wine one time, which was a huge hit! Just trying to offer some suggestions, since it sounds like a hostile environment you had to endure for the last visit. Thanks for reading, and hugs from Denver.
Gretchen
I’ll be thinking about mom this Mother’s Day weekend. My family has decided not to visit and chance mom having a rotten day. Not going will be hard as we never miss. Mom is so sweet. Hopefully my family will keep me busy.
We're thinking flowers even if it means she only gets to see them for a day before they end up in the trash. Yes, live-in just that low down. As for as the caregivers, this would need to be handled by mail as well because as soon as my vehicle pulls up, the aid(s) roll out. No hello, nothing. The aids employer then gets a call from the live-in so they all are on same page. The aid only came back the other day before we left because live-in wanted aid to get mom ready for ER.
And yes, we have attempted to butter up to the live-in with food and gifts but they just wasn’t having it and so we stopped all attempts about a year ago.
[Who knows what your family members have been telling the paid caregivers about you.]
I agree highly. But the thing is it has nothing to do with how I’ve treated any aids EVER. What has happen between me and my family should have nothing to do with them or them and myself. It is a hostile environment I’ve had to endure for every single visit this year.
This will at least get us through mother’s day. We had been trying to do every couple of weeks but will try to go three weeks this time and maybe even longer. I'm just undecided.
No gemswinner12, hugs to you and thank you for reading and helping.
And then one day, if you really want to dive deeper into this, arrange ahead of a visit to have an appointment with a lawyer, take dad for a drive, saying nothing, and if it’s what he wants have him visit the lawyer and draw up documents for POA and a will if he doesn’t have one. No need to discuss with sibling, it’s dad’s document and his choice.
Is there some reason your mother can't make her own healthcare choices?( I just read that your profile says she has dementia and other health issues.) If not, I'd seek legal advice about intervening, if you think it's necessary. If someone else is acting as POA, then, I'd adjust to make nice with them so you can maintain contact with your parents OR get legal advice on how to replace him, if you think he's not doing a good job.
Rarely, all the siblings and their spouses agree on all caregiving decisions, but more often than not, they don't. I'm so sorry for this turbulent and hurtful ongoing situation. Is there any chance for a family video conference? Are there any siblings you can confer with and ask what the hostility is all about? Could it be a misunderstanding that has gotten blown out of proportion? Have you ever gotten along with these siblings, and if so, when did the falling outs happen? Again, my thoughts are with you; please update us and let us know how things are evolving. Gretchen
Gemswinner12 - Yes, all the siblings are on one side. They can’t go against the live-in because then they will no longer have access to any extra money that comes through that home, they will no longer have access to any extra grocery that comes through that home, they would no longer have access to extra meds, etc. You get the picture. So it’s like this live-in is the drug dealer and if they go against, then they will get cut off. I don’t have that dependency factor.
Hospice, when parents were on the program kept stressing something needed to be done. The live-in is not capable based on their interactions. The live-in is a know it all and even fought them when it came to care. I asked the social worker if they could consult with APS and the worker said oh they will just say a family conflict. Well sure enough APS made a report but said just a family conflict but because mom is considered vulnerable they would at least make a report.
I can tolerate the aids leaving but they need to be honest why they are leaving to the persons they are caring for so they don't have to keep asking. I will be okay if they just want to watch my every move but then to report back to the live-in is unnerving. Makes me wonder how far they would go to keep their jobs. Makes me wonder if they too are getting some of the benefits like the siblings, which would be incentive to go against me.
It's like they are trying to provoke me. If I strike, they they can get a restraining order and keep me away. If not that, to just keep the tension so that eventually I and family would stop coming.
It's just a sad situation
My husband says the same thing. He thinks the pros are better than the cons as he is an only child.
I would not expose myself to this group of grifters; eventually they will push you in some way and expose you to legal action. I wouldn't put myself in that position.
I will try to just make contact by phone and see if I can get my emotions to fall in line not seeing my parents in person. Life changes so quickly.
Stepping aside seems like the only sane thing to do.
About to call area agency on aging again this morning to see about having an assessment done on mom in regards to her needs. Hospice is coming to get all their stuff. I don't think live-in will call and ask for help or tell me what is needed to help financially replace things.
Right now, I'm managing their finances. Tried to talk siblings out of discontinuing hospice. Now neither parents are under that weekly nurse care.
I would contact hospice and tell them that you are backing out of being there at all; ask again for them to contact APS.
One responded in fear saying those people aren't coming out when called and they're not doing their jobs. I knew immediately where the wrong info was coming from. Hospice was great at their jobs and even came out early morning and almost graveyard night. The other sibling went to babbling a tune of some sort and I said you're being rude.
Spouse was like this is a losing battle. You do not have the support of one sibling. Let's go do the discharge. Hospice said I had to do the discharge since I signed them up and I did the same day.
The social worker of hospice did tell me they would see if the live-in would call back after the hospital visit. So guessing that did not happen. I will call hospice again and ask them to contact APS.
I see from pastnposts that parents defend siblings and then call you with complaints.
You are being triangulated by your parents. They are playing you all off against one another.
Stop responding and let your parents deal with the results of their behavior. No lights? Sorry, YOU are the ones who gave the thief the financial reins.
Proportion of balances to credit limits on bank/national revolving or other accounts is too high
Time since delinquency is too recent or unknown
Too many inquiries last 12 months
Serious delinquency
Credit decision based off: Equifax Credit Information Service.
With that being said, at their ages, I don’t think credit is an issue since no home or auto purchases are in their future. But what if a repair comes up and credit is needed?
Now I have not applied for anything in their names. All the bills I manage and know of don’t go unpaid. Is there anything I can do besides keep the letter to protect myself? I thought of pulling the suggested credit report, doing a credit freeze at the bureaus, and maybe this identity theft protection that I saw recommend on this website.
But do I have authority to take such action?
Your siblings are making purchases and taking out loans in your parents' names, most likely with your parents' blessing.
If there is a repair needed, it is NOT your responsibility. Your parents have made their bed.
You have continued to be involved and I can't see from what you are writing that it is accomplishing anything good for your parents or for you or for anyone else. It continues the discord within the family and in your life. I know your intentions are good, but good intentions that cannot translate into good action are of no value. As well as not accomplishing anything good your involvement is harming you, at the very least and continuing this unhealthy game - the triangulation that Barb wrote about.
I know letting go of family, especially vulnerable adults, is difficult. Perhaps it would be wise for you to seek some counselling for yourself to help you with this. Honestly I can't see anything positive coming out of this. I gather you are handling their bills, but without financial POA you have no authority there. This is a very bad position to put yourself in. Please get some professional help, emotional and financial, to find a good path out of this. ((((((hugs)))))
I’ve tried to give the money business back to parents and dad refused. Just keep it. No, don’t leave that here. So when live-in tried to change banks behind my back, I called SSA and asked them to call parents and ask if they would like to designate a representative payee. The agent told me to give them a week to make contact, and they will call me back. Nothing has happened.
I have called APS since March and each time they just want to make reports. Each time, all I can do is make a report but they can’t tell me if a report has already been made although two previous agents said they would. The last call about hospice, I was told to give them 90 days but all they could do was make a report. I called the county and all they can do is suggest a big family meeting. Oh brother!
So basically all I keep getting from everyone is that the live-in has control. No services can be forced on any of them.
Thanks everyone. So getting a final verdict on the income is the last piece of the puzzle. Every suggestion that has been made to me, I am taking action. Just may not get the outcome desired, which is someone else managing all areas of my parents care and finances. But if that is the outcome, I’ll have to be ok with that.