My husband is bearing all the weight of his parents’ needs that keep adding up. What do I do?

No, that was not acting, but the truth.

Right into being your "late mother", didn't she?

ChrisFeg: Thank you so very much for your personal response. I appreciate your taking the time and effort to post. Yes, from all outward appearances, your husband has rallied from his health issues. Your comment "if you were meeting him, you'd have no idea that he had such serious health issues" is quite identical to what a night nurse whom we used before I could arrive 400 miles away and into my mother's home where she was "keeping house" told us. No, she wasn't keeping house at all. The night nurse, who was a friend of my mother's said "anyone coming in to visit your mother would think that there is nothing wrong with her, because she is dressed and her hair is styled." My late mother had Congestive Heart Failure, Atrial Fibulation, was legally blind from a most severe case of Wet Macular Degeneration, had Hypothyroidism, had been bitten by a tick and left it untreated, had blood pressure of 60 over 40, had fallen twice and didn't deem it necessary to tell me and a lot more. My late mother actressed very well.

Chris, are they at all open to moving to a larger city/town where services might be available? Subsidized senior housing, etc. Frankly, living in a rural, not to say extremely isolated area, is a energy sponge just by itself. Seems that even grocery shopping becomes more difficult, medical appointments, no transportation. I live in a small community and more and more my family is helping out neighbors who no longer can drive and without help could not live - after a while it all becomes too much. Especially when moving to a larger community would solve so many problems right there.

ChrisFeg - Thank you for responding to my questions - the situation is a lot clearer to me now. Trust me, I understand your frustration. Many of us are in similar situations with parents who need a lot of help and have no money to pay for help, and siblings who either can't or aren't willing to help. One person gets stuck with everything, mainly due to being the closest geographically. There are no good answers here.

I'm not defending the sisters - I have siblings just like that. My oldest sister didn't even want to hear about my mother's issues - she felt that she was being guilt-tripped just by being told. The first year or two dealing with my mother's demands I was tearing my hair out, and none of my siblings were willing even to be a source of emotional support for me. I too have wondered why none of them could take a week's vacation and spend it taking care of Mom instead of just dropping in for a meal on their way to somewhere else when they happen to be vacationing in Florida. Eventually I had to pull way back because my anger and resentment was eating me alive.

I suggested paid help or placement in a facility because it's just not feasible to expect much help from people who live far away. Yes it would be nice if they would offer to do something, anything to help, but realistically, whatever help they could offer, short of moving in with your in-laws, would probably be nowhere near enough to solve the problem for your husband and you. And certainly not enough to solve the problem for you if your husband dies before either of his parents.

I hope other posters have some suggestions for you. This is a tough situation to be in.

Arcmiddle14 – Blackhole - Doingmydadsjob - freqflyer – Mally1 – Muffincat - Sendhelp – Sunnygirl1 & suzisunshine, THANK YOU, to each of you that have left responses!

balancedCaring – We really don’t believe things are critical yet. But yes, that could change at any time!!!

CarlaCB – What I expect SIL’s to do? My husband & I tried to start a family blog so that everyone could be on the same page! Didn’t work. 2nd SIL said we were trying to make her feel guilty by filling them in about what’s going on, what’s been done, what needs to be done etc. She’s been difficult to get involved (basically, she can’t handle it). There was no “original understanding” with both home-sites neighboring for the last 20 years. We didn’t know how long we’d each be at our property. There’s never been an agreement about their care. It’s just as it is. A facility?, paid help ? My IL’s can’t afford to do anything, only surviving on SS & deferring taxes on their property, the 2 SIL’s are in pretty much the same predicament. Didn’t plan for their own retirement or any savings beyond their paychecks. We’re not at all hoping to magically make the problem go away for my husband or myself. The #2 SIL & BIL are close enough to spend a weekend helping out, every so often, or even if asking if there was anything they could help with!

DILburnout – I’ve already told my In-laws that if we still live here when something happens to my husband, I’m out of here the next day!!! It’s too remote, with no other neighbors within sight!!! I don’t do alone well anymore.

Fedupgiveup – We have gone on vacations and they do fine, (as far as we know) but we always wonder if they call – what it’s going to be!

JoAnn29 – 1 SIL just moved to SD a couple of months ago & struggled with her decision. She moved closer to two of her children and her only grandchildren. My FIL, when she was here, fought back about her “meddling”. 2nd/youngest SIL hasn’t been able to emotionally engage. Yes, I do have to make it clear to each of them, when I am left to face life grieving & alone, that they cannot count on me for anything as I find my way through grieving & being alone.

Llamalover47 - . . . “when he is so very ill himself” I have to tell you all, after his diagnosis, left kidney out, risky IL-2 treatments - with low success %’s & he was a positive responder, resulting in continued monitoring CT scans, then later a renewed growth of spot (metastases), removal of renewed growth of spot, in addition to 2/3 of right lung removed (because of location of spot), removal of growth, with low to moderate change of breathing challenges & stamina, CT scans now every 3 months to monitor spots left in his lungs. This has been the progress and although nothing much is noticeable to most friends & family, he looks just fine, in fact he looks great. If you were just meeting him, you’d have no idea that he had such serious health issues!!!

Nicenurse10 – SIL’s are not able to help financially.

rovana – no they are not living the true definition of “destitute” at this time, but let’s just say neither are they living their “preferred lifestyle”. Truly, they just get by and they have had to give up a lot over the last several years!! They live a very humble and meager lifestyle by necessity!!!

Tothill – They have no veteran status. No, no deliveries out here in the sticks! No one has POA at this time! It’s in the delicate issues list we & they are slowly wading through. Yes, they would be better off in town and we are working on an idea to help with that, but FIL is not ready to admit that he still can’t do it all. You are absolutely correct that something needs to be done to figure out his currant driving capabilities! Thank you for that push.

Windyridge – Medicaid is not a topic we can talk about yet. There’s a pride issue & they have expressed (my MIL is especially fearful) to not be put in a home. #2 SIL has mentioned that she’d have her mom live with her when the time comes.

Thank you all again for your thoughts & suggestions kindness ~ ChrisFeg

Your husband cannot begin to continue this responsibility when he is so very ill himself. The parents should be looking at different living arrangements such as an Assisted Living. Best of luck.

There is simply no obligation, legal or moral, to help parents maintain a preferred lifestyle. Destitution is one thing, but continuing to live as you always have by devouring another person is wrong. And it is not honoring your parents by aiding and abetting their unreasonable demands.

My advice is to ask sil for financial help to aid with caregivers etc. Believe me I know the situation . My brother was terminally ill and told me he was leaving money to help with mom. Unfortunately I had greedy sil who didn't give us a penny, had will changed while brother was ill and I did all care alone for 41/2 years at 60 yrs old. I never wished to put mom in nursing home, but it almost killed me since I am totally alone. Oh how I wished I could have gotten him to put something in moms name or mine.
Family members don't understand or care that you put your life on hold and that it would have cost them at the least 1000 or so a month ( their part) if she had gone to nursing home.
Long post, just to say, she can help financially for care to ease some of your stress. My Sil seemed to think mom had only one child. Please do something soon and have a talk with her. Best wishes to you and your husband

I agree with Mally1 THEY are not independant and they are the ones that need talking to not the siblings.
Time to move to a situation where they dont need you.. who is going to care for them when your husband dies. which is seems is sooner than them.
Organise for someone to take them to appointments and once a week shopping, NOT you. if they demand to stay where they are.
Five years ago it would have been so ideal you next door to help with some chores, that pretty pink picture of caring for the older generation and things rosey.. but the black n white facts are there. and you are not being selfish wanting time with your husband in his last few years.
And get the old man off the road. How will you feel when he has a medical event and kills a young family, sadly he will survive and have more medical problems and expenses and a guilt to carry.
Tell the siblings what is going to happen, and Im sure they wont jump forward to change it.
Its so similar to what happened to my sister 30min away from my parents, tho they were in town. who landed up spending 2 x days week trying to help but it all turned to custard .
I feel for you in this position, when by rights you should be having 100% focus on your own needs and wants at this time. I hope you get it

My sister complained for three years non stop that my brother did nothing to help our 90 year old mother with dementia. I kept saying go on a vacation once the dèadbeat is some caregiver he will get mom in a care home. She never did and a year ago had a breakdown. It took the dead beat one week before he rushed mom to the doctor and then he found a great care home. I helped all I could but I have MS and lived 1000 miles away. Arrange a vacation and have your siblings come to take care of mom and dad. Your husband deserved time to enjoy his life. You both have done enough

1) Ck for VA Aid and Assistance if either of them have served in an active war
2) ck medicaid to see if they are eligible
3) ck state agencies for help (in KY we have an agency who can come in a few hours a week to help w/cleaning, shopping, laundry, etc)
4) do they have the resources for AL....if not, can the non-present daughters help pay for it?
5) can the non-present daughters take them in for several weeks a year to give you a break?
6) when my grandmother needed help, my mother was the primary caregiver, but her other two children flew in for one week a quarter to help out, so that gave Mom 8 weeks break total, which helped (my sister and I also helped out). Of course, if the sisters work full time, would not be able to come that much.
7) driving: we had the family doctor tell my parents (who are now in assisted living) that they were no longer allowed to drive. We were on the verge of bringing the police in (to watch my mom driving and tell her she could no longer drive) but she voluntarily stopped after we told her she could very easily kill someone else (she ran a red light and almost hit a friend of mine, who called me)

If the assisted living is something they can afford, get all three children there and just tell them they are worrying you to death....my parents fell so much, and my sister and I couldn't get them up by ourselves so would have to call ems. Mom finally agreed to assisted living (Dad has Alzheimers) and now she loves it as she doesn't have to cook, clean, etc, and THEY take them to Dr's appts, etc....sister and I go with them sometimes, but the van does the actual transportation (they both need wheelchairs...are 90 and 92)

GOOD LUCK....is such a difficult time!!!!

ChrisFeg, time for hubby to write out of list of everything, and I mean everything he does for his parents.... now have him cross off half of the items.... now cross off a couple more. Use that list as a guide on what hubby can do for his parents.

If parents call and need something that has been crossed off the list hubby should say calmly "sorry, I can't possibly do that". What is happening here is that your husband is enabling his parents to continue on with their own life-style while you and your husband had to change your own.

Plus there is always that child/adult dynamics. In hubby's parent's eyes and mind, he is still a person who can do everything. I ran into that with my own very aging parents who didn't want to move from their house nor hire any help. Even with me waving my Medicare card and AARP membership it went in one ear out the other.... I was still that 20 year old who could do everything, instead of a senior citizen myself with my own age decline issues :P

Every sibling needs to be a team player, find out what they are good at doing for their parents and let that be their job. Don't tell them what to do, ask them what they would like to do. Every little bit helps.

This is now a critical situation. The only choices I see for you and husband is to place them in a nursing home or ALZ under medicaid, or to have their siblings take over. You need to draw the line with the siblings. Now. Your husband deserves your attention and protection.
You might want to call an elder ombudsman if you have one in your state. They may be able to help in directing you on what is available for the parents. Or, if asking your siblings to take over care does not help, you might want to engage an Elder lawyer to draw up an official letter to the siblings to take over the care of their mother within a specific time, due to the condition of your husband. Sometimes people do not listen until an official doc is received. Worth a try!

Make a phone call to the daughters. Tell them your husband is Ill and cannot take on the full burden of caring for "THIER" parents. This happens all the time, One child does it all. Or most of the time. They are selfish children not to offer to come give you a break or take them for a few months. What will happen when your Husband god forbid passes? I know is sounds terrible but what will happen to his Parents? Will you care for them? When children live far away and one child cares for them if something happens to that person is his spouse expected to care for her In Laws? I have told my husband that if something God Forbid were to happen to him, I would be looking to move. And if I did my MIL would not have a family member close. It sounds terrible but since I cared for her for 15 years I would sell my house and leave. I have done enough. These are questions family members do not talk about till it is too late. Make a call to the Selfish daughters and tell them You Expect help so they can decide how they can manage. And 4 hours is nothing. She can come and give you and your husband a weekend or two off every couple of weeks. My opinion of course but I have been thru this and I know if you do not say something nothing will change. I said something and my brother in law and sister in law have not talked to me in two years. No big loss as far as I am concerned. I guess I hit a NERVE with them. They have been calling and taken two visits to see my MIL. Very big of them don't you think? Make a call. Address the problem.

I have a similar situation. My father-in-law is 93 and no health problems other than his eye sight which prevents him from driving,
I work full time and my husband's work varies from full to part time.
My husband makes 6-7 trips a day to drive FIL to various daily events. My husband never stops. my sister in law who lives 35 minutes away helps 1-2 times monthly but not more than that since she is further away.

Some of the trips can be consolidated or the adult grandchildren
SIL's children can ease the burden for us. My husband cant reason with my FIL and feels bad about not doing what he wants.

I feel SIL can help more, she has never worked and uses the too far away exuse,

Even thought we want to help elderly parents its not unfair to set boundaries. This will save your health and sanity.

"They are not independent" is the absolute truth, Black Hole! My in laws are in a similar state, constantly having "surgeries" and in and out of the hospital. She and their alcoholic son who lives with them do not drive and FIL should not be. MIL just had a near death crisis 2 nights ago, may succumb yet. They really need AL or NH, but refuse, so other local son tries to help and my husband, from 350 miles away tries, too. So selfish, and as for the dangerous driving.... the boys are going to try to stop that now that they've both experienced it; maybe then they'll go to an AL facility, or at least get someone in to help - which they also refuse, tho they can afford it. You CAN talk to social services; they help a great deal with my mom - inlaws may be another story - we are where you are - God bless!

Use Tothill’s response as a checklist. And be quick to correct anyone and everyone who wants to discuss your ILs’ “independence.” They are not independent. As you know all too well.

I agree that you, your husband and his sisters need to sit down with your in-laws and have a discussion about their ongoing care. You need to stand firm on what you are prepared to do now and after your husband dies.

It may help if you investigate local services providers ahead of time. What transportation options are there? Handi-Dart, Taxi, church volunteers? Speak with their minister and ask the church for help. Can the Church provide rides on Sunday?

If your father-in-law has a crash (it would not be an accident, he is an accident waiting to kill someone) and someone other than him is harmed, your guilt will be much greater than telling him he cannot drive.

Do either of the seniors have veterans benefits they can access for help around the home and yard? Do any of the local grocery stores or pharmacies deliver? I know you said you are 30 minutes out of town, but in my community that is nothing for delivery services.

What do you think would be reasonable for your sisters-in-law to do to help? One is across the country, the other across the state. Who has POA for your in-laws? Is this something one of the sisters can manage?

Would it be better for the in-laws to move closer to town? What about you, when your husband dies, will you want to move closer to town or somewhere else all together?

How would your husband's sister help from out of state? Are you trying to convince husband's parents to accept outside hired help? Could she do this? Is there a plan to get them help, so your husband can get out from under stress and responsibilities? I might do that and then see if sister will support you. It's a lot of work to care for two ailing seniors in their home. Can they afford private help? If not, I'd see what they may be entitled to.

So sorry you are dealing with this. But I like your phrase “get those big girl panties on!” I think it’s time for that phone call! Best wishes! Many prayers for your family!

So sorry that your husband is terminal.
Spending time with him would be your priority, understandably.

Your husband is terminally ill? I assume the elders and family have grown to expect hubs to deal with everything. This is so unfair on every level.

If his folks have money hire outside help or get them to assisted living. No money, apply for Medicaid.

I take care of similar parents. They should have moved off their farmette 10 years ago. Fortunately I'm  pretty healthy but I really resent having to spend my retirement as a caregiver.  I can't imagine doing this if I were sick. If I go down my folks would end up wards of the state.

Chris, I understand your frustration, having an oversupply of uninvolved siblings myself. But what I don't get from what you've written is an understanding of what exactly you expect your husband's siblings to do, and what they are in a position to do given their own circumstances.

It looks to me, given the geographic arrangements, that the original understanding was that you and your husband would take of your in-laws' needs so that they could remain in their own home adjacent to your property. Clearly that arrangement is becoming unworkable, but what are the alternatives? Can your in-laws move to a facility when their care needs become too great? Why is that not on the table at least? What about getting them some paid help to take the burden off your husband and you? Is that an option? Are you expecting your sister-in-law to uproot her life and move in with her parents long-term to help out? That would be a blessing for you and your husband, and perhaps his parents, but what about her? It doesn't sound like that's an arrangement that she agreed to, or is willing to agree to.

This situation appear to be heading towards a crisis point, that will occur when your husband dies or become too ill to assist his parents any longer. At that point, either the siblings will step in to provide alternate care for their parents, or you will have to make the hard decision to continue or discontinue providing their care alone. It wouldn't be fair for you to be stuck holding the ball this way, but neither is it fair, in my opinion, to expect your sister-in-law to magically make the problem go away. JMHO.

It's time to tell the siblings that something has to be done. That their brother can no longer handle the responsibility and your responsibility is him. They need to come home and see for themselves. Tell them the stress is not helping ur husband. Make it clear that when all is said and done that ur not willing to take on the responsibility of ur in-laws. Don't back down or u will end up caring for them.